


Hurt

by rennerfan_1



Category: Jeremy Renner - Fandom
Genre: Emotions, F/M, Jeremy Renner - Freeform, Prison, take
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-17
Updated: 2015-07-30
Packaged: 2017-12-29 15:38:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 32
Words: 61,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1007132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rennerfan_1/pseuds/rennerfan_1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This fiction is inspired by Jeremy Renner's the movie, "Take"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Hurt (Saul Gregor)  
Prologue- Not Afraid  
Chapter Rating- NC17 For Mature Themes

Authors Notes- Feedback would be lovely, guys! 

*****

 

Death is something that he had experienced young when his mother passed away after a long illness and he had been left to raise himself while he looked after his sick father. For years that was his life until he found trouble and trouble equally found him. His life had consisted of nothing but disappointment after disappointment and it only fuelled his knack for messing up. Saul Gregor had prayed for miracle after miracle and was greeted with even more disappointment, struggling through the shit storm that he called life. Stuck in the cycle, Saul only seemed to drown and he couldn't find purchase to get himself out of the dark, murky waters. He had gambled everything; money, his life and the life of a family who were no longer a family because he had run out of options.

***  
The handcuffs feel tight around his wrists as he's escorted from the secure room, where for the first time since he came face to face with Ana Nichols. The last time he saw her is etched into his mind like a hot iron leaving an imprint memory that he can't ever forget. He doesn't want to forget it because he knows he doesn't deserve that inner-peace.  
Saul's cheeks are wet from where he had been sobbing and the two guards who are holding him by the arms refuse to give any sense of comfort as he's put back into the holding cell. He sits on the hard bunk, wringing his hands together as he stares at the floor and he's imagining that he's staring at his own reflection. Subconsciously, he touches his left eye and feels the dull ache and the blood. He could see in his left eye and then it went blurry, eventually turning into darkness. It was constant darkness.  
Hearing those three little words from Ana Nichols made the darkness recede in his heart and mind. He could breathe easier and he is no longer afraid of dying.

Saul looks up at the sound of approaching footsteps and swallows hard. He had resigned himself to his fate a long time ago and now that it was time, it didn't make him feel any better. He would be paying for his crimes, he knew that and it didn't offer any sign of comfort. It wouldn't make up for what he did just because he was sorry. He never meant for any of it to happen, but it did and he was responsible.

The cell door opens revealing two stony-faced guards.

"Come on, Gregor" The guard says."Time to go"

Saul glances up at the guards and nods silently, his eyes fixed dead ahead as he's cuffed and is led through the deathly silent secure corridors. Every step makes his heart beat in his chest and he isn't even sure if he's breathing anymore. Emotions bubble to the surface as he's taken into the chamber and strapped down onto the gurney. He knows she is probably watching from behind the darkened windows in the booths and he doesn't blame her for wanting to see his end. He deserves it and he knows it.

An intravenous is put into each arm and he is laid back as the heart monitor is attached. He can hear every noise; the tick of the clock and the guard's shuffling feet. He starts to breathe hard and heavy, to keep in those emotions and he tries to keep it together. Agitation cripples him as he tries to focus, to not think about dying because it does scare him. He's terrified and tears roll down his cheeks and he doesn't know if dying hurts or whether it feels like a long sleep. He thinks about the chemicals that are going to race into his bloodstream and kill him. 

For Saul Gregor this is it and he imagines taking his last breath as the distant ring of a phone penetrates the silence.


	2. Pardon?

His breaths come in ragged gasps and his squeezes his eyes closed as the clock continues to tick away in the silent room. The door to the side open and Saul looks at the two guards in confusion as they undo  
the restraints around his body.

"What's...." He chokes out."What's happening?"

"The warden wants to speak to you"  
The guard on the right answers and helps Saul up, then puts the cuffs around his wrists, ankles and waist. 

Nervously, he licks his lips and tries  
to control his breathing as he shuffles down the corridor, almost being dragged as he loses one of his flip-flops. The Warden, a guy called Bennett had organised the visit with Steven to help Saul in the transition of realisation from life to death. He stands, his hands shaking with adrenaline as the Warden emerges from the small walk-in cupboard.

"Gregor. Do you know why you are here?"

"I...uh...I was in the room" Saul stumbles, shaking his head."No."

"It appears all your prayers have been answers. The execution has been.....cancelled"

"Cancelled?" He looks at the Warden with growing confusion."But I was found guilty."

"That as it may be, Mrs Nichols called the governor and requested a pardon. She got her request and so, you are no longer a death row inmate."

Saul's eyes mist over and he tries to process the news and he shakes his head with many burning questions.

"But why?"

"You will need to discuss that with your attorney who will be here tomorrow. You will be taken back to the general population and remain there." The Warden answers."I imagine your attorney will request an appeal, given Mrs Nichol's change of heart on dropping the charges."

"She dropped the charges?"

"She did, yes. Why? I have no idea." He smiles."You're not a bad person, Saul. You just made some mistakes that got out of control."

Harold Freeman smiles across the table at Saul and Saul is no mood to return friendliness to his attorney. The last twenty-four hours have been crazy and have left him confused, expecting to wake up any second from this dream and to be dragged into the execution room to die. He can't shake the thought that there's been some mistake, but Freeman clarifies everything.

"After Mrs Nichols visited you, she spoke directly to the governor and pleaded for the execution to be stopped. She has her reasons, obviously."

"Why did she stop it?" Saul asks, his hands clasped in front of him and he glances up at Freeman. "Why would she want to stop it?"

"I have no idea. But she does want to visit you until your appeal is accepted."

"I've already made her life hell. Seeing her isn't going to help bring back what I took and I'm not appealing." He answers, looking back down to the table.

"Saul, you've already spent seven years in here and you've served the minimum sentencing for armed robbery. This is your chance. Mrs Nichols......doesn't want you to rot in here."

"I don't get it." He answers, sighing in frustrating."I took her son and now he's dead. That's down to me and I-"

"You panicked. You were desperate for money and like a row of dominoes, everything fell. You said it yourself that she forgave you. And she wouldn't have called the governor and dropped the charges if she thought otherwise."

"And I can't forgive myself." Saul sighs and rubs his eyes.

"Talk to her and I'll sort the appeal"

Saul sighs again and agrees to talk to Ana Nichols and he can't understand why she would want to talk to him, to help him, to let him live. When he saw her, he saw Jesse and how terrified he was and it was because of him. Every time he closes his eyes the whole day plays over like a movie in his head, hearing the choked screams of help in his dreams and it kills him every time. He just wonders what Ana Nichols is trying to accomplish by visiting him, by letting him live.

*****

A glass of wine sits next to a smouldering cigarette on the kitchen table, a laptop whirring softly and the clicking of keys is the only noise in the whole apartment. Ana Nichols stops to read what she's written and reaches for the wine, a little surprised that her letter to the governor and the Warden looks so professional, but still heartfelt. She had originally gone to the prison to tell Saul Gregor exactly how much damage he had done, but when she looked into his eyes, he already knew. He already knew how much damage and heartache he had caused and she could see that he never meant for any of it to happen.  
Ana had expected herself to scream and cry and hate him, but when she saw him, she didn't. She knew that somewhere he had a family, a mother and father who would grieve like she had and she couldn't put them through that and truly believed that what happened in the store was an accident. Her ex-husband and Jesse's father, however didn't agree but had moved to another state to start a new life. 

There are so many questions she needs answers to and she needs to see him. She wants to talk to Saul Gregor because she can see that he is just as lost as she is.

 

Due to the circumstances regarding her visit, Ana is led into a spacious visiting room that is normally used for inmates to consult with their attorney's. She sits with her back to the door and tries to imagine what it must have felt like to sit here, hear whatever prayers and guidance were on offer and to still know that God would never you. 

The door opens and the shuffling of feet and heavy footsteps penetrate the silence, the rattling of chains drawing closer. Ana doesn't turn around and waits as Saul is put into the seat opposite, the handcuffs chained to the surface of the table with a padlock through a loop and the cuffs around his ankles to the legs of the bolted down chair. One of the guards stand by the door and then the door is locked from the outside. Saul doesn't say anything and just stares at the table, his hands clasped in front of him with his head bowed.

"You're probably wondering why I'm here" Ana says as she stares at the top of his head.

He briefly looks up at her and nods.

"What happened to your eye?"

"That day...." He begins, swallowing hard."I got hit and I couldn't see out of it."

"You're blind in that eye?"

Saul nods and rubs his hands together anxiously. He still remembers the pain and seeing everything and watching it go blurry, fading out and ever returning.

"I have some questions" She says and does her best to keep her emotions under control."Will you answer them?"

"I'll try"

"Why were you robbing the store?" Ana asks and folds her arms across herself.

"I needed the money. I owed people some money and if I didn't pay up by that night, it was game over."

"Game over?" She probes, watching the way he won't look at her.

"I couldn't let it happen. My pop, he needed me....I was there to get his prescription."

"Do you look after your father?" She continues to gently ask.

"I did. But when he....found out what I had done. That was it."

Ana remembers him in the store buying medication and then he had demanded money. The clerk had grabbed hold of the gun and it had gone off. Saul had panicked. He had gone into fight or flight mode and his irrational thinking had cost her Jesse.

Saul finally looks up at her with misty eyes, his hands trembling as he tries to piece the words together.

"Why did you stop it?" He asks quietly, unable to look her in the eye for long."Why didn't you just let them do it."

"I told you that I forgave you."

"How can you?" He chokes out."How can you forgive me when I took your son and now he's....I can't."

"You can't what?"

"Forgive myself" He answers and his head bows once again."I won't ever forgive myself."

"Did you mean to kill my son?"

Saul looks up at her again and shakes his head and she believes him. She genuinely believes that he never meant to kill Jesse.

"I forgive you, Saul." She says empathetically."I think you need to learn to forgive yourself."

He nods silently and no amount of praying or committing good deeds is enough for him to forgive himself, but hearing Ana Nichols say that is like a weight lifted off his shoulders.

"What I did was unforgivable" He says, on the verge of an emotional breakdown.

"I've spoken to your attorney and when you are released, there's help. Therapy groups, psychiatry."

"We both know I shouldn't be allowed out" He answers, his bottom lip wobbling."I know that."

"What happened was an accident. I've seen you, spoken to you and I know if you could change what happened, you would. We both have regrets."

Saul nods and swallows hard, feeling his throat close up and tears sting his eyes. His shoulders start to shake as he buries his face in his hands, reliving that single moment over and over. He's been telling himself that he should have just let them kill him and his pop would hurt, but it would be nothing compared to the disappointment he felt and openly voiced. That hurt Saul a lot more.

"Just think about it. You have a second chance here and I know, my Jesse wouldn't want someone being unfairly punished for an accident and neither do I"


	3. Fate In Another's Hands

The silence is deafening and something she had grown used to in the last seven years. There's no sounds of excited playing or chatter, no sounds of early morning showers and the pleading protests of not going to school because it's boring.   
An emptiness swells inside of Ana as she passes the fridge that is devoid of artwork and the kitchen feels drab and cold, unwelcoming and uninviting. 

Wrapping her cardigan tighter around herself, she wonders what Jesse would think of the place and how he could spruce it up with some colour and fun. She still cries for Jesse and she misses him terribly, every christmas and birthday, mother's day and summer vacation she tries to think of what it would have been like if he were still alive. She imagines him asking for the latest fashionable christmas present and the disheartened look when she says she can't afford it, but then seeing his grinning face when he opens the very last present to discover it is exactly what he wanted. The coffee pot bubbles away and Ana sits down at the small fold-away kitchen table, reminiscing about the good times.

***** One Year Later

The last year had been difficult for Saul Gregor as his retrial approached and since being pardoned and forgiven, he had really changed his attitude and his life. He started applying himself more to his coursework and passed with flying colours and enrolled in a sociology course which he is halfway through thanks to perseverance and dedication. Saul likes to think that if he is released he can make a difference somewhere and when he showed his degree to Ana, she was positively over the moon with the result. Ana Nichols visited Saul twice a month and has done for the last year and with every passing month, they started opening up to one another in the most unlikeliest of friendships. One, that not everyone would agree with. But Saul had Ana's support and she really hoped he could turn his life around.

He watches as the jurors take their seats; seven women and five men, all from different backgrounds and walks of life. He notices the little old lady on the end and he feels sorry for her as she looks around nervously, mirroring exactly how he feels and he thinks that she shouldn't have to be there, not at her age. He feels even more sorry for her as she startles at every sound. Everyone stands as the judge enters the court room and he sits down, eyeing everyone with scrutiny as the case details are read out by his assistant, moving on to introduce the prosecution and the defence attorney's. Each attorney reads out a pre-thought statement, the prosecution saying that Saul Gregor is a dangerous individual and that he should be found guilty of murder, not manslaughter. The defence argues that Saul Gregor has rehabilitated himself and looking towards the future, giving examples of his studies and arguing that Ana Nichols, the victim's mother had even forgiven his client. Saul notices her sitting in the public gallery, eyes fixed on the attorney's and he presses his lips together, wondering if he's done the right thing by agreeing to appeal, willing to plead guilt to manslaughter and not murder. 

Ana listens to the details and all the evidence, trying to work out what the jury is thinking as the prosecution attorney delivers his speech. The twelve in the jury box are sitting with stone like expressions, everyone except the little old lady who would jump at her own shadow. She knows every detail of the case and every shred of evidence that there is, relieved when the attorney sits down and Saul's attorney begins his own speech. Everything he is saying is true because she's seen it for herself, how sorry the accused is and how he's turned his life around for the better and deserves a second chance. Ana wonders if the jury believes it.   
Very quickly, the court is adjourned and will recommence the following morning where witnesses for both sides will be asked questions. The prosecution will use the people who believe that Saul Gregor is a cold-blooded killer and the defence will use the people who disagree entirely. All together, the retrial could take weeks depending if the jury come to a decision or not.


	4. The Verdict

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback would be lovely, guys!

It had taken the jury only two hours to reach a verdict and Ana takes her seat in the gallery with bated breath. She had paced the corridor repeatedly and smoked ten cigarettes down to the filter and drank bad coffee from the vending machine in the cafeteria area, her nerves shot to pieces. She eyes each member of the jury carefully and tries to mentally gauge their decision based on their expressions, but their poker faces are too good and she reasons that she's out of touch when it comes to working people out. 

She imagines that their decision wasn't easy and remembers the time she was on jury duty, a case that wasn't as complicated as this but still upsetting in it's own right. A woman had helped her terminally ill husband take his own life and she was standing trial for murder. Ana had felt for the woman and she the act was not of hate or violence, but of love for the man she had married. 

Sadly, not everyone in the jury saw it that way and the woman at seventy-four years old was found guilty on the charge of murder and sentenced to fifteen years in prison.

Saul is brought into the courtroom and she can tell by the pain in his eyes that he's hurting. Eventually the judge enters the room and everyone stands and the proceedings begin, a brief run through from both the prosecution and defence attorney's and then the court clerk addresses the jury.

"The foreman of the jury, have you reached an agreed decision?" 

"We have" The foreman says, not   
looking at anyone except the wall.

"Do you find the accused guilty or not guilty of murder?"

Ana and Saul are both holding their breaths, Ana's eyes frantically searching the foreman for any indication of the agreed verdict.

"Not guilty"

Ana has to stop herself from yelling out in celebration as she covers her nose and mouth her hands.

"Do you find the accused guilty or not guilty on the lesser charge of manslaughter?"

"Guilty" the foreman answers and takes his seat.

For the first time since arriving in court, Saul looks up to see Ana smiling at him and he knows not to celebrate too early. He could still spend a long time in prison and the retrial would have been for nothing. He isn't allowing himself to get his hopes up. The old judge bangs his gavel and clears his throat.

"Mr Gregor, you have been found not guilty in this retrial to the original guilty verdict of murder." He begins, drawing it out as long as possible."You have shown you are remorseful and that you are no longer a danger to society by your good behaviour in prison. What I find extraordinary is the good characters reference submitted by Mrs Nichols, the mother of the boy you killed in what can only be described as a terrible accident. You have been found guilty of manslaughter and I impose that you serve another two years in prison with a minimum of fourteen months before consideration of parole."

Two years, fourteen months minimum he would have to wait to taste freedom and breath in free fresh air. In fourteen months time he could be released into society, back amongst the human race if he kept his nose clean and he knew he would. He would be a reformed criminal starting a new life and while he knew he had been given a second and final chance, others wouldn't be so easy to forgive, forget and let live.

***

Ana dumps her handbag and coat on the sofa as she presses the play button on the answering machine. She groans in frustration when she hears her ex-husband's voice and knows he's only looking for an update on the retrial. 

Grabbing the cordless phone, she presses his number.

"Tim?" 

"No, it's Valerie." A woman's voice says."Whose this?"

"It's Ana. Tim's ex-wife. Look, he asked me to call once the verdict came through."

"I'll get him. He's changing Olivia's diaper" Valerie answers.

Ana tries not to feel hurt by Valerie's innocent comment and waits patiently for her ex-husband to pick up.

"Ana, hi. How did it go?" He asks quickly.

"It went great. He's been found not guilty of murder and guilty of manslaughter, so he could be released in the next fourteen months"

"I don't know why you sound so damn happy about that" Tim answers abruptly."In less than two years that psycho will be out and looking for another kid to murder."

"He isn't a psycho, Tim and Saul won't hurt anybody."

"Can you guarantee that?" He snaps, emotional by the news."Can you vow that he's not going to hurt another human being again and how would you know? You live miles away from him."

"I know. He didn't mean to kill Jesse. He's sorry for what he did."

"He's only sorry because he was going to be served justice, Ana." Tim continues to rant angrily down the phone."How do you know all this anyway?"

"I've been visiting him."

Ana knows that Tim is ready to explode and she knows better than to give into his temper tantrum. He never used to act like this, but since the separation he just seemed to be getting worse.

"You've what?"

"I've been visiting him" She says heartily."I have been since I stopped the execution."

"You what?!"

"You heard me, Tim. I've been visiting Saul since I stopped the execution." Ana says it again, simpler and sterner for him to accept.

"Why the hell would you do that?"

"He's suffered enough" She answers.

"He's suffered enough? What about us, Ana? We were his parents!"

"Do you really think I've forgotten that?" She asks, becoming angry."Don't you dare question my motives when you ran off the first chance you could get."

A stony, quiet silence does nothing to unsettle her and eventually Tim comes back on the line, angry.

"That isn't fair, Ana." He says, his anger diminishing as he speaks softly.

"What isn't fair is that someone was going to die for making a mistake, an accident."

"Killing someone is hardly a mistake or an accident" He counters, sighing."I hope you know what you're doing, Ana. If it was me, I wouldn't let him see the light of day again."

"Well, I'm not you. Good-bye"

These kinds of conversations with Tim always exhausted her and it was always the same topics, always the same arguments. Pouring herself a large glass of red wine, Ana goes upstairs and runs a hot bath, hoping to relax before going to bed. She has a busy day at work tomorrow and she wants to be as bright-eyed and bushy tailed as can be, within reason.


	5. Two Years Later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come on you guys. Feedback is needed

Butterflies flutter violently in his stomach and every wave of nausea makes his head spin. He packs up his meagre belongings into a standard cardboard box issued by the correctional staff and he looks over at his most recent cell mate, Nathan. That's the thing about prison, people come and people go and eight times out of ten the newly released convicts would be rearrested and incarcerated again within four months. Saul had read the statistics and he also noticed that more and more young men who had just left their teenage years were being locked up. 

"What's the plan on the outside?" Nathan asks from his bunk.

Nathan Fitzgerald had been sentenced eight months ago and housed with Saul because of his excellent record inside. The Warden believed that Nathan spending time with Saul would keep him away from the trouble that simmered away and would one day explode like a volcano. 

"I don't know." Saul answers."Do anything as long as I don't end up back in here."

"You'll miss the place. Three meals a day, a bed to sleep in and a roof over your head. What more can you want?"

"Freedom" He answers as he slides the bundle of letters down the side of the box next to his books and course materials.

"Isn't as great as it sounds, man. Everyone's out there to screw you. You're a marked man in society, everyone's going to have their eye on you."

"I'll just need to give them reason to trust me." Saul responds.

Heavy footsteps make their way up the metal stairs and along the landing, two guards of similar size and build.

"No one trusts an ex-con." Nathan answers as the door is unlocked."Good luck 'cause you're going to need it."

"Come on, Gregor" The first burly guard called Mason says."We don't have all day."

Saul grabs his box and follows officer Mason down the walkway, hearing the slam of the metal door behind him and the click of locks. It will be the last time he ever hears it and he can't help but feel overjoyed as he's taken to administration. After showering and changing into some clothes, he signs out his belongings and completes the paperwork. He is then paid for the work he's done in prison and is given a copy of his parole agreement, along with the details of his parole officer who he reports to once a week. Finally, Saul Gregor is free.

***  
The warmth of the sun and a cool breeze kisses his skin as he breathes in his first breath of free air. He steps over the security threshold and turns to look at the concrete building that's surrounded by guard towers, electric fences and concrete walls that are impossible to climb, finally turning his back on that part of his life. Saul lifts the plastic bag and the box from the ground and walks out onto the main road towards the bus stop that will take him where he needs to go. 

He squints in the distance at the silver car as it speeds towards him and abruptly stops, Ana Nichols rolling down the window.

"Thank God!" She says with relief in her voice."I thought I missed you."

"Huh?"

"I'm here to collect you. Just like I said I would." She answers as she pops open the trunk."Well, get in."

Saul does as he's told and puts his things in the trunk and slides into the passenger seat, anxiously fumbling with his seatbelt as Ana pulls away from the prison. He steals a glance at the building and he makes solemn vow never to return. 

"I can catch a bus, you know."

"I know, but it would take you almost two hours to get into the city." She answers, still focussing on the road.

"I'm in no hurry to be anywhere."

"Where are you staying?" Ana asks as she rolls up the window.

"My parole officer's got me a place at a halfway-house for ex-prisoners. She said that it's got a good reputation."

"None of those places have a good reputation." She comments."Most of the people in there end up back in jail within a week. It's because they are still with what's familiar."

"It's not the best option, but it's something. It will do until I get a job and find my own place, if I get a job."

"Why do you say, if?" Ana asks curiously.

Saul glances out the window at the few passing cars and scenery, remembering how it felt to make the journey into prison and he likes going in the opposite direction a lot better. 

"I'm an ex-prisoner." He answers as he looks over at her, then away again."Guy's like me don't get to forget their past."

"You served your time. It should be good enough for any employer."

"Nobody wants an ex-prisoner doing anything and that's the truth of it." He says with a sigh."I'll be lucky to even get a job stacking shelves in a supermarket or packing up groceries at the check-out."

"You know there is programs   
designed to help newly released prisoners. It's worth a try, isn't it?"

"Yeah, I guess it is." Saul huffs and the butterflies haven't settled down any."I'll talk to my P.O about it."

They continue to drive in silence for a while until they reach the suburban neighbourhoods and pass by and into the city. Saul pays close attention to everything around him; the look of the buildings and the way people are dressing themselves these days, the new stores that replace the old family run businesses. The world has just gotten much scarier.

Ana reads the address of the halfway house and pulls into the side of the road, looking up at the building that looks simply depressing. On the porch, a few men sit with bottles of alcohol in brown paper bags and smoke cigarettes, despite the house's policy on prohibited items. Saul turns to Ana with a genuine smile and she can't take her eyes off the overgrown grass, the broken windows that are boarded up on the ground floor and the rusty gate. Just then, two young men who look as if they are completely physically wasted by drugs start fighting, no one caring.

"Thanks for the ride." Saul says as he opens the door.

"Let me help you inside with your things."

They both get out and Ana makes sure she's locked the car and that nothing of value is in sight. She doesn't trust anyone as she follows Saul into the house, that stinks of stale sweat and urine. The caretaker takes them both upstairs to the second floor and opens Saul's assigned room and Ana isn't impressed by these living conditions. She knows these kinds of houses are set up to reintroduce men who have been institutionalised to start taking care of themselves, but she doesn't see how living like this could possibly help. 

Naturally, she inspects the room as the caretaker goes over the rules with Saul. The windows are filthy and every surface of the kitchenette is thick with grime and the bathroom is no better. Her eyes water at the odour coming from the blocked toilet and anyone would need to use antiseptics after using the shower. Ana shakes her head at the holes in the carpets and the stained mattress, some very wet looking stains soaking through the sheets. She is absolutely disgusted, but what grabs her attention is that there's no lock on the door.

"Is there a reason why there's no lock on the door?" She asks as she folds her arms across her chest, feeling her skin crawl with unseen parasites.

"Health and safety." The wrinkly old man announces."Would be a good idea to push something heavy against the door at night."

"Why's that?" She probes further and his face falls a little."What aren't you telling us?"

"A lot of the new guys want locks on the doors, but they ain't allowed them." The caretaker responds."Hasn't been the first time a few guys have came into a room to get acquainted, if you know what I mean."

"Are you saying they break in to molest people?" She asks in horror.

"Yeah. Won't be the first time and won't be the last and I think molest is too nice a word for what some of these animals do." He answers and turns to Saul."So, if you like your ass push up the wardrobe, cabinet, bed and whatever else. Not saying that's going to keep them out, mind you."

"Alright, sure." Saul answers as the caretaker leaves the room.

"Please tell me you aren't serious about staying here?"

"It's fine. You heard what he said, put things against the door." He replies and he also feels dirty from just breathing in the squalid air.

"And he also said it didn't stop them either."

"I know." He sighs in defeat."But I don't have much choice. I've got nowhere to go and this is the only place in the city who takes in ex-prisoners."

Ana runs her fingers through her hair and she makes a mental note to scrub every inch of her skin and burn her clothes when she gets home. She doesn't understand how the rehabilitation services could expect any human being life in conditions like these. 

"You can't stay here, Saul." She says."You heard what the other men do."

"Right now I don't have much of a choice. I'll be fine."

"Come and stay with me, then."Ana says with resolution."I have a spare room and you won't have to grow eyes in the back of your head. Please, Saul. You need to think about your safety. We can call your parole officer and explain to her what's going on here and that you will be staying with me."

Saul sighs and looks around the room, disgusted as something that looks like a cockroach scuttles across the floor and he physically jumps as a commotion breaks out in the hallway. Ana also jumps and raises her eyebrows at him with her hands on her hips.

"Okay." He says in defeat."Just until I get things sorted."

"It's a deal. Let's get out of here because this place is making me itch."

"Sounds good." He answers as they make their way out to the car, receiving nasty looks from the drunks on the porch.

***** 

"Make yourself at home" Ana says with a wide smile as she removes her coat and places it over the bannister."Are you hungry?"

"No, thanks. I had breakfast before I left."

"Are you really going to turn down the offer of real food?" She laughs as she takes a spare key from the marble fireplace and hands it to him."Treat the place as your own."

"Uh...thanks, I think."

"You're welcome." She smiles."Now, let's get you some real food and I'll show you the guest room."

"Thanks. For everything."


	6. Heart To Heart

His first meal as a free man had been a towering plate of steak and onions with mashed potatoes and grilled corn, a feast compared to what he's been used to and Ana had no objections to cooking it either. It had been a seriously long time since she had cooked for anyone but herself and as she finished her own meal, she couldn't help think about the past and how things once were. Brooding over the past has never been a good thing for her and Saul notices that something is bothering her.

"Ana?"

"Hmm?" She glances up at him, oblivious to the fact that she got lost in her own thoughts again and notices his look of concern."Sorry. It's been a long day and I'm a little tired. I think I'm going to take a bath and go to bed."

He watches her as she takes their plates to the sink and oddly, he can read her like a book and knows what's bothering her. Inviting him to stay in theory had been a good idea, but in reality it only dredged up unpleasant memories of loss and hurt and heartache.

"Ana, I really appreciate what you're trying to do." He begins, speaking softly."But I don't think it's a good idea me staying here."

"Why wouldn't it be? I wouldn't have offered you a place to stay if I didn't mean it."

"I know, but I just...don't think it's a good idea." He answers and he needs to tell her honestly how he views the situation."I just don't want to bring back bad memories."

She sighs and walks over to him as guilt pools in his eyes and he looks away from her, afraid that one day she will go crazy at him after what he did and he would never blame her for it.

"Saul." She says clearly."I want you to stay here and you aren't bringing back bad memories. I was just thinking about how nice it is to cook for someone other than just me. Saul, I know you feel guilty about what's happened, but you served your time."

"It doesn't make it okay."

"I know that." She says softly."But you owe it to me and you owe it to Jesse to have some kind of life and you owe it to yourself. Living in guilt isn't going to change what's already happened."

"I'm sorry. I don't know how to-"

"Move on?" She asks and he nods, looking away."I'm not going to lie to you and say it's easy, but it can be done. I managed to do it."

"I would do anything to change what happened."

"I know you would." She says softly."And God knows I'm partly to blame."

Saul looks up at her as she blames herself and he can't quite believe what he's hearing, how this strong willed and incredible woman is blaming herself for something he had done.

"It wasn't your fault." He says in reassurance.

"I shouldn't have let him go to the rest room. I should have tried harder to convince you to give him back, but when I tried to....I froze. I couldn't and he looked so scared. I was his mother and I couldn't do anything to help him."

"What happened....wasn't your fault." He says gently, guilt and emotion tugging on him like a master training a pup." I remember how....scared everyone was."

"I remember how scared you were too"

Ana catches the look of disbelief and pulls her thick wool cardigan tighter around her slim frame, reaching for the pack of cigarettes she keeps in the drawer.

"What would have happened..." She exhales a plume of smoke and looks up at her guest."What would have happened if you didn't get those pills and you couldn't pay your debt?"

"Pop would have got real sick. I always had to make sure he took them and he just didn't get any better."

"And the debt?" She asks and offers him a cigarette, which he takes and savours the taste."What would have happened then?"

"It would be game over, no matter what. I would be some corpse in the mortuary."

"Were you close to you father, Saul?" Ana asks as she starts preparing coffee and they sit down with it on the sofa.

Saul takes a sip of his coffee and sighs, remembering the many times he had sent letters to his father in prison and he either didn't reply to them or they returned unopened. 

He had always did what he could to make the old man proud, but it never seemed to be good enough and the fiasco at the supermarket didn't help the old man's resentment towards him and Saul always had a nagging suspicion in his mind as to why, but he never called his father out on it.

"We weren't close." He answers."Not even when I was a kid."

"Some people aren't maternal as they should be."

"He hated me most of the time." He begins, remembering every bad memory from his childhood."Mom left when I was a kid and he blamed me, told me all the time that I was why she had gone."

"And you don't believe that?"

"I don't know." He sighs."When you get told something all the time as a   
kid, you start believing it."

"Did you ever try to find her?"

"I wouldn't know where to start." Saul admits quietly."And pop wouldn't want me looking into things that's got nothing to do with me. I hope she's happy, though. Somewhere, whatever she's doing."

Ana judges the situation and she remembers that Saul's father hadn't even gone to his original trial and he had looked so desperate for a friendly face in that courtroom.

"Are you planning on seeing your dad?" She asks hesitantly, unsure of whether she is pushing things too fast.

"I would like to, but that's not a good idea. He won't see me. I haven't heard from since.....and he won't change his mind."

"You won't know unless you try, Saul." She answers, her voice rich in support.

"He's in a care home and that's all I know. One of those government run places. He won't see me and there's no point in trying either."

She is lost in her own thoughts and looks at Saul with a blank expression as he interrupts her.

"Mind if I take a shower?"

"No, go right ahead." She   
answers."There's towels on the radiator and toiletries under the sink."

"Thanks."

She watches him as he leaves and heads upstairs and she desperately wants to help him, especially where his father is concerned. She can understood why the old man would turn his back on his own flesh and blood, but she can't understand why he would actually do it. Ana makes a note to call the care home and find out if he's still there and to arrange a talk with him, but at the same time she isn't hopeful. 

Early the next morning, Saul's parole officer had agreed that he could stay with Ana Nichols until he had the funds to move out on his own. Michelle Pope, his parole officer had also encouraged him to look for work and that she would see him the following week and with a parting word of advice, she advised him to attend the prisoner reform group that meets every Thursday night and with that, she left and bid Saul good luck for the future that he was so uncertain of. 

***

The classified and job advertisement section of the local newspaper is vandalised with circles around prospective jobs and more are scrubbed out within minutes of enquiring about the position. He sighs in frustration as the person on the other end of the phone hangs up and he glances down at the newspaper, desperate for a break of some kind and his hopes are dashed quickly when he explains that he was just released from prison. 

Ana cheerily comes into the kitchen, dressed in a grey pant suit for work with a white blouse underneath and Saul envies her. 

"Good morning." She says with a smile as she pours some coffee into a mug and as she turns around, she notices the look of defeat in his eyes."Why the long face?"

"Just looking for a job."

"No luck?" She asks sympathetically.

"Oh, they're all desperate to hire me until I tell them I was in prison."

"That isn't right." She answers."They can't refuse to give you a job because of your history."

"They can if they think it's going to interfere with the job."

"What are you applying for?" Ana asks and grabs the newspaper, reading all the circled advertisements and the ones he has been shunned from."You're better than this, Saul."

"You're the only one who seems to think so. I'm going to go down the job agency tomorrow and maybe they can point me somewhere."

"You can't do jobs like washing dishes or working in McDonalds." She answers, a little more than disappointed in the system."You have degrees that would put most university students to shame and-"

"And in the real world it doesn't matter. I'm an ex-con and that's all there is to it. Doesn't matter what I'm qualified in."

Ana is about to continue, but a car out front honks it's horn and she has to go and at the same time, she doesn't want to.

"I'll see you when I get home. Make yourself at home."

"Sure. Thanks" He answers in reply as he punches in another phone number and sighs as the operator picks up, knowing he doesn't have a hope of a job anytime soon.

By lunch time, Saul has given up for the time being of looking for a job and flicks through the television channels in search of something to lift his depression. He feels incredibly alone as he settles on a cooking show and he starts to wonder if it was ever a good idea being released early or at all. No one wants to know and no one is prepared to give him a chance to allow him to prove everyone wrong and he understands, but it still hurts. He needs a job and soon, simply because he can't stay with Ana for too long and he needs to let her get on with her life and he knows her act of kindness is born out of pity. He doesn't want to rely on her or hurt her anymore than he has already done, but that's a growing risk he takes the longer he stays. 

***

Arriving home feels like heaven as Ana kicks off her shoes and dumps the bundle of paperwork on the sofa before she removes her coat. She is greeted instantly with a delicious smell as she follows it into the kitchen, where Saul is standing over the stove, adding cheese into a sauce.

"Hi." Ana says warily.

"Hey. I thought I would mac and cheese. Is that okay?"

"Yes, that's great. I'm absolutely starving." She answers as she sits down at the table, watching him as he pours the drained pasta into the cheese sauce.

"It's going to be about half an hour."

"That's fine." She smiles."That gives us a chance to talk. Any luck with finding a job?"

"No, nothing yet."

"Something will turn up." She says in hope and notices the defeat in his tone.

"Yeah, I guess so."

"I mean it." She responds genuinely."It's just going to take a little bit of time and anyway, it will give you a chance to enjoy things again." 

Saul turns and empties the pot of pasta and cheese sauce into a baking dish and slides it into the oven with breadcrumbs and cheese on top. He wipes his hands on a towel and reaches for his glass of orange juice, leaning against the counter as his other hand delves into his pocket and stays there. Ana can tell he's upset and she remembers figuring out the signs with Tim and Jesse, always looking for the physical sighs that link to the emotional. 

"I didn't mean to upset you."

"You didn't." He answers in surprise."Why would you think that?"

"I recognise the signs."

"The signs?" He asks curiously."What signs?"

"Your body language and your expression."

He nods once in silence as if understanding exactly what she means and looks down to the floor, sighing softly. He sets down the glass and folds his arms over his chest and he looks like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders.

"I'm your friend, Saul." She says gently and approaches him, resting her hand on his forearm."Talk to me. Maybe I can even help."

"A part of me thought that this was going to be easy. But I was wrong."  
"What's supposed to be easy?" She asks even thought she has an idea already. 

"I don't know....getting out, I guess. Surviving. Making a clean break, but no one let's you forget."

"Saul, you're right. Some people won't forget, but then there's those that don't care." She answers in reassurance."I know a lot of people that wouldn't care. Just like I don't."

He frowns and she notices the lines of maturity around his eyes, the wrinkles that make him even more handsome.

"Thanks." He says softly.

"Like I always told Jesse when he got scared, keep your chin up."


	7. Stroke Of Good Luck

Recovery, is something that she was told she would never experience unless she moved away from the area and Ana decided against her ex-husband's advice and remained in the city that she calls home. Tim had naturally been furious with her and then again, she was used to his temper tantrums and losing Jesse just seemed to make it worse. Tim never came out and said that he blamed his wife for their son's death, but she knew that he thought it and it hurt her more because there was nothing she could have done. And yet Tim still blames her for what happened and she will never be able to forgive him for it. Just like she won't be able to forgive herself.

****  
Ana cleans the surface of the mirror in the sitting room and glances at the carriage clock that sits on the mantelpiece, a gift to her from her parents on her first wedding anniversary and even though she and Tim had been divorced for quite some time, she couldn't pack it away in a box like most of the things from the old days. Right now Saul will be having his first job interview since getting released from prison and she hopes he does well. Being accepted and given a job is exactly what he needs to build up his self-esteem and having regular work will stop him from brooding on the past, which from experience she knows is dangerous. He had left early that morning, dressed in a suit and tie and desperate to make a good impression and even though he would just be delivering goods to customers, he still wanted to make a good impression at the interview. One thing that worries Ana is Saul's old habit of gambling, which essentially lead to the events that put him in prison and she prays that he doesn't return to that old habit because he's made good progress. 

Her own job, working with troubled youths in a facility that is a young offenders institution, which is a step away from prison leaves a lot to be desired as she sees the same faces returning and leaving and returning again. Some of the kids, all young males under twenty-one are there for different reasons and sentenced accordingly to their crimes on the outside, such as shoplifting, gang-banging and assaults, even drugs and dealing and any other kind of trouble, even committing the act of murder. She feels sorry for these kids who have no one to guide them, to teach them to stay out of trouble and she knows better than anyone that eighty-five perfect of the crimes committed by them are all gang related. She doesn't hold out very much hope for any of them, especially when they don't see anything wrong in what they are doing.

Ana thinks about the seventeen year old Marcus Thompson who was sentenced to a total of six years, some of which he would spend in an adult population for the rape of fourteen year old girl. She had spent some time taking to Marcus and wasn't at all surprised to find out that he was just another kid with the wrong attitude. Marcus Thompson had cockily gone into the unit thinking he would rule the roost, be a real top dog amongst the gangs and demand everyone's respect, but once everyone discovered what his crime was, he was abandoned and alone. It turned out that even the most hardened of criminals don't like sex predators, period.

Lost in her own little world, Ana let's out a deafening scream at the sight of Saul standing in the sitting room that she's been tidying.

"Are you trying to give me a heart attack?"

"No, nothing like that." He smiles and sniggers in response. "You looked miles away."

"I was just thinking about work stuff. Speaking of work stuff, how did the interview go?"

"I screwed up." He answers quietly with a sigh."At least I think I did."

"What makes you think that?"

"They asked about what I had been doing the last few years and I told them I was in prison. They would check it out anyway and once they knew that, it would be goodbye Saul and don't let the door hit you on the way out." He replies and undoes the tie, leaving it hanging loosely under the collar of his shirt.

"Something will turn up, I'm sure of it. You just have to believe that not everyone cares about your history, only that you're reformed and have been given a second chance."

"I wish everyone could see it like that." Saul says."I'm going to take a shower and then go for a walk or something."

Ana eyes him warily as she pours herself a fresh cup of coffee and stirs in cream and sugar. She feels bad for getting Saul's hopes up, but someone had to. She knew it would be difficult, but she truly believed that someone would at least give him a chance.

"Dinner will be ready around five-thirty and then I'll be going to work." She says out loud as he removes the suit jacket."Is quiche okay?"

"Sure, sounds great. I'll be there."

Ana sighs as Saul disappears upstairs and the creak of the floorboards above her head tells her that he's in the guest room, gathering his things and then heading into the bathroom. Something stirs inside of her that she can't fathom, a flicker of something pleasantly dangerous as she sips her coffee and contemplates a night-shift at the juvenile centre.

The bathroom is filled with a hot steam and the air is heavy with the scented shampoo and soap, his neck stiff as he let's the water cascade over his body and he wishes it could wash away his history and how dirty he feels. No amount of scrubbing can wash away how dirty his hands are and he won't ever be able to forget that as he's reminded every day. 

A light knock on the door makes him jump and he shuts off the water, wrapping a towel around his waist as he uses a smaller towel to dry his hair. He opens the door to see Ana standing there with some pamphlets in her hand. 

Ana awkwardly tries not to stare at Saul's very masculine and well build body, toned and muscled, but not so that it's unattractive. She has to remind herself to stop staring as he waves his hand in front of her face.

"Sorry." She mumbles and tries to hide the blush on her cheeks."I thought we could order out instead."

"Uh....sure, yeah that's fine."

"Good. Sorry, I'll let you get....sorted." She continues to mumble and moves away from the doorway. 

Saul shakes his head with a chuckle and goes back into the guest room, getting dressed in something more comfortable and splashes on some aftershave for some unknown reason. He says a quick goodbye to Ana and leaves the house, trying to shake the thoughts he's having from his mind as he takes a nice long walk. 

They had decided on ordering Chinese and chatted happily over their meal, but the atmosphere soon changed when Ana had to leave for work. The thought was truly depressing as Ana left the house and made her way to the centre and went through all the routine security checks. As she walked down the admin corridor, pure instinct and intuition guided her into the Warden's office and she spoke to Peter Simmons openly and walked out of his office with a good result and a wide smile.

***

Early the next morning, around ten-thirty Ana returned home and found Saul using her laptop to search for a job. Her heart went out to him as she watched him massage his temples and sigh in frustration.

"Good morning" She beams brightly.

"Aren't you happy this morning."

"I just happen to be in a very good mood." She explains with a warm smile, removing her coat and siting next to him."Want to know why I'm in such a good mood?"

"Sure. Go ahead and spill."

"Why don't you guess?" She smirks.

Saul can't help but mirror her smile and he thinks about what could have made Ana so happy this morning, especially after just leaving work and he assumes it's work related or the fact that someone from work has asked her out on a date, which actually isn't surprising.

"Did you get promoted?" He asks.

"Nope."

"Did you get a kid to come around to your way of thinking?" He probes with a chuckle.

"Still, it's a nope."

"Did someone ask you out on a date?" He laughs.

"What? No, no one asked me out on a date. Thank God. Do you give up?" 

"Yeah, I give up. What's made you so cheery?" He turns serious.

She turns to him with a wide grin and she can barely contain herself with the excitement. She had been so tempted to call him before now and tell him the good news, but really wanted to tell him in person.

"I've got you a job."


	8. Butterflies

"A job?" He asks, open mouthed in shock."What are you talking about?"

"I've got you a job."

"Where?" He probes further.

Ana can't resist grinning at his reaction and risks a small, nervous laugh as his wide eyes try to process what she's just revealed.

"At the centre." She explains."I spoke to the Warden last night and you are exactly what we are looking for."

"In what way, an ex con?" 

"Don't." She warns him sternly."You have various qualifications and degrees that allow you to work with the young offenders. Like a social worker as well as a guard."

"Don't you think that's a bit weird, ex-con turns guard to kids?"

"It's not just about locking them up." She answers."It's also about rehabilitation. A lot of these kids have preconceived ideas about prison and their lives of crimes and you can help change their way of thinking."

Saul looks at her for a minute and he is still struggling to process everything Ana is telling him. He can't quite believe what he's hearing and isn't sure whether this is some kind of trick, a cruel joke at his expense.

"How?" 

"You've been on the inside, Saul." Ana explains."There's a chance you can get through to these kids that being in prison isn't as glamorous as it sounds. You have really been there and you aren't someone who they are associated to, who won't let them think that spending most of their life is a good or normal thing."

"So, I go in and give them a talk?"

"Basically, yes." She confirms it."But you will also be looking after them like I do. The institute offers so many rehabilitation opportunities for these kids and so many of them come back. So many of them are destined for life in prison or worse."

Ana explains her role and what his role would be over coffee and Saul listens intently, unsure of why she is even offering him forward to speak to kids, to deal with kids who are messed up in things he has no experience of. He wonders why she is so determined to convince him to at least give things a go at the institute and she also explains that he isn't a standard prison guard, but a counsellor for the kids who are spending some of the best years of their lives in a concrete building as punishment for what they have done. He will be a mentor, someone to lead them towards the right path and he wonders how he is ever going to give advice to a kid when he got himself into so much trouble.

Saul finally agrees that he will at least think about the offer and turns in for the night to mull things over, spending most of the night tossing and turning as the offer keeps spiralling in his head. Meanwhile, downstairs Ana is sitting alone at the kitchen table as she longingly stares at the last picture of Jesse she had ever taken, the one where he had insisted on dressing up as an alien for halloween and won a prize in class for best homemade costume. Tears gather in her eyes as she affectionately runs her thumb over the glass, biting back a sob at the thought of everything that could have happened and should have been. One thing life had taught her was that nothing is ever safe and nothing should be taken for granted.

A firm hand gently shakes her shoulder and bleary eyed, she looks up at Saul and feels her neck aching with the slightest of movement. His eyes glance over the framed picture of Jesse and she tries to make a grab for it.

"I'm sorry." He says quietly, avoiding her eyes."You...It didn't look comfortable, sleeping on the table."

Saul turns and grabs a glass, filling it with water as he looks out the kitchen window and into a very pleasant morning and he just wishes it could be like that for everyone. He scratches his stubbly chin and forms a plan of action for the day, a battle plan to somehow get himself a job and a little money so he can pay Ana back and move out, letting her move on without him being a constant reminder of what had happened.

"I can't remember falling asleep." She says out loud with a yawn, her neck creaking."Ow! I'm glad you woke me."

"Don't mention it."

"You look like you've got the weight of the world on your shoulders." She says pointedly as she rubs her neck.

Saul turns his back to her as he takes out the filter on the coffee pot, throwing the stewed ground coffee into the trash to make another pot. 

He hardly slept, his dreams still   
haunted by the knock of desperation against a metal trunk that had jammed shut. He shakes his head, trying to shut out the pleas of a child who he had murdered.

"Saul?"

"Huh?" He asks, Ana's voice bringing him back to reality."Sorry, was miles away."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No." He answers quickly and scoops some coffee into the machine."No, I'm good. Really. I need to get going."

Ana frowns at the sudden awkwardness and evasiveness, positive that something is working away at her guest and she can't figure it out. She has no idea what's going on with him.

 

A graffitied newspaper sits on the edge of the table next to a cooling mug of coffee. Job vacancies and available apartments to rent are circled in black and every time he explained his past, he was shunned once again. Growing desperate, Saul wonders how he will ever be able to make it on the outside with his conviction, one stupid mistake driven by fear. Saul crunches up the newspaper and leaves the small diner, searching the windows of every shop in the street for wanted posters or job vacancy signs and when he eventually finds one, no one is interested. No one wants an ex-convict as an employee. Feeling deflated and miserable, kind of lost and stuck in some mental trance, he absent-mindedly goes back to the house, slinking into a depression. Saul thanks the powers that be that Ana has gone to work, so having some time by himself isn't as much as a problem. He likes Ana, he really does and he appreciates everything she's done for him, but she won't let him sit and stew in his own turmoil. 

*****

Things at the centre hadn't gone as smoothly as Ana had hoped when she left for work the previous evening and within two hours of her shift starting, all hell had broken loose and needed to be dealt with. Two kids from rival gangs had gone toe-to-toe in the large communal area that they slept in, which is of course monitored by CCTV and guards. The program allows the offenders to mingle and learn to live together, no matter the crime or their background and although everyone seemed to live relative harmony, temper's got pushed to breaking point and it spilled out sometimes. Lucky, no one was seriously hurt and the situation had been brought under control. Offering words of wisdom to some of the young men, still boys and children in her eyes took a lot out of Ana and it was purely because she could see how destructive they are and how they don't care. There is one kid who she can't seem to get through to and his face stays with her as she turns into the her street and parks in the driveway. 

Drained emotionally and physically, the pleasant aroma of freshly brewed coffee guides her into the kitchen on an invisible rope.

"Hi." She says as she grabs a cup from the draining board, knowing she could sound a little more enthusiastic.

"Bad night?"

"Like you wouldn't believe." She sighs, tired and done in."There was an incident, a fight between two boys who are rival gang members, who are so brainwashed into thinking that their causes are so damn important and all it really comes down to is schoolyard bullying. Maybe we're fighting a losing battle to help these kids because they certainly don't want help."

Saul allows her to rant and get her frustrations out in the open, knowing its better to get it off her chest than to keep it simmering away under the surface. He offers her some toast and cereal, but she declines and says she would rather go to bed and put last night behind her and sleep until well after noon. 

"The worst thing about it is that these kids have a real chance of making a difference, but they can do all the work with us and as soon as they're on the outside again, they're back to who they were before."

"A few guys were like that in prison." Saul says ruefully."They just came back badder and meaner. They didn't care who they stepped on. Real jail-birds, guys who got off on the reputation and then there was the guys who didn't know any better."

"Why didn't they know any better?"

"I guess 'cause no one showed them any different. No one to pull them aside and give them advice or to tell them how it really is." He shrugs as he answers."I guess a lot of the kids look for somewhere to belong."

"They don't care whether it's negative or positive attention, in their eyes it's sill attention."

"Yeah." Saul answers with a sober expression. "There was one guy who was in our block, always did the crimes and did the time and within a couple of days of getting out, he would be back in again."

"Institutionalised"

He nods silently in repose and when he thinks about it, a lot of the guys he was in with were like that. Whether their crimes were selling dope or jacking cars, holding up a bank or killing someone, nearly all of them would have a criminal record before then and maybe even a juvenile record. 

"I'm going to grab a shower and get some sleep." Ana announces before finishing her coffee. "It's been a long night."

"Are you working later?"

"No, which means I can finally do some of the things I've been meaning to do like laundry and cleaning." She answers, groaning as she stands up.

"It's already done. I did it all when you were out and I uh....left your...things in the laundry basket on your bed."

Ana has to stifle a laugh at the way his cheeks are flushing red and she wasn't even thinking about her underwear until he brought it up. Going behind him, she kisses him on the cheek and squeezes his shoulder.

"Thank you."

And with that, she turns to leave and Saul stops her with him calling her name. She comes back into the kitchen and looks at him as he stands awkwardly, fumbling with his own hands as he nervously rubs them.

"Is uh...that job still open?" He asks, glancing up at her from the floor."Cause I'd like to take it. Try it out, you know."

"I knew you would change your mind, Saul. I'll call the Warden later and set up an introduction to the centre, a tour. I'll see you later."

Saul flashes her an embarrassed smile as she disappears upstairs and his fingertips brush over the area she gently kisses, scalding his flesh as his stomach flutters uncontrollably. It's been a long time since he felt anything like that and he knows he shouldn't feel it towards Ana.


	9. D-Block

Ana had been very excited to introduce Saul to the Warden and give him a tour of the facility, explaining some of the rehabilitation programes of past and present and how well they were accepted by the population of teenage boys. Saul wasn't at all surprised to see boys at the lowest age for the facility and knew that if they didn't break out of the cycle now, then they never wood. Classes for the boys were a must, just like at school but on a mich stricter level and one dedicated teacher who taught an array of subjects spent most of her time teaching and trying to help. Three meals a day were served in a spacious dinning room with bolted down tables and chairs, just like in prison and snacks were allowed to be bought twice a week. He had shuddered at his own memory of having to wait in line at the vendor, where not just snacks could be bought but items like toothpaste and soap. These kids have it easy compared to how Saul had it. It was no wonder kids thought that prison was an easy life.

****

 

Saul clips on the identity badge to his belt and he sucks in a deep breath, trying to keep his trembling nerves at bay. The locker room smells of a mixture of hygiene products and he double checks that his own locker is secure. He knows prisons better than anyone and that the guards are just as capable of stealing than the inmates. Ana is waiting outside the locker room for him and they begin their journey to block D.

"How are you feeling?" She asks as she opens one of the internal security gates.

"Nervous. Kind of out of my depth."

"You won't feel like that forever." She answers with a smile. "You're going to be just fine. Just don't let them get to you because they will try and they can be creative about it."

He doesn't need to be told how creative they can really get because he knowals just fine. Thsy continue down a maze of locked corridors ans finally emerge into block D, where already the twenty boys are waiting to see what the fuss is about. Ana silences them and greets them pleasantly.

"Good morning." She says and gets a mumbling reponse. "As you know we have a new member to our staff and Mr Gregor :-)is going to work with us while you are here. Some of you may not like what his role is here, but he is here to help you. Mrs Powell, will also be taking a more active roll in your rehabilitation."

The group groan openly at the mention of Olivia Powell and Saul has already met her and agrees that she has a very difficult job. She helps them to apply for jobs, how to gain extra qualities an employer would look for, along with life skills. Her positive attitude was rarely met and it was a shame because these kids were offered help and they were too blinded not to take it.

"What does this guy know about it?" A kid with bad acne yells out, his group making sounds of agreement.

"He knows alot about it because he's just recentley been released from prison" Ana answers in general. "For murder."

Surprise makes it's way through the room and while some sit in shock, others show their support.

"Mr Gregor has the sams duties and responsibilities as the rest of the staff and he will do what he can to assist you." She explains and then adds with warning. "Within reason." 

Saul tries not to smile at the faces of the kids who had gotten their hopes up by Ana's statement and he knows some of them will still try and push the boundaries, no matter who sets them or who is in charge.

After the introductions are over, Saul heads to the main office and reads through block D's files. Many of the reports explain that instances of violencd ars thought to be gang related and no matter what's been put in place, the boys still act like they are on the streets. After reading the files and incident reports, Saul joins Ana out in the yard as it leads up to visiting time. The boys are allowed a maximum of two visitors at any one time and the visits are scheduled once a month. The relatives don't like or accept these rules, but there's nothing they can do about it. 

"How's it going?"

"It's okay, I guess." He answers and doesn't want to jinx it. "Went through the files. This kid called Marcus Thompson knows how to get into trouble.

" What was his last write up?"

"First it was fighting with another kid whose in a rival gang and then for attacking a guard." He replies as he tries to keep an eye open for any trouble during visiting.

"Marcus was inducted into ths gang at the age of nine after seeing a rival gang member shoot and kill his brother. He's been with us three times since and this is his longest time."

"Whose that with him?" Saul asks as they continue to monitor the yard.

"It's his grandmother. Old Aggie brings him in whatever he needs and brings in cookies. She's here every visiting no matter what and refuses to give up on him."

"He's lucky to have that." He agrees. "Alot of people don't have that. Not even in prison, unless it's mad girlfriends with a brood of kids."

"I did notice that."

Saul grows quiet as he focues on the kid Marcus and feels Ana's hand gently touch his, soft and warm and compassionate and he argues with himself that he doesn't deserve it.

"That wasn't me dragging up the past." She says seriously. "I just don't get why kids find prison and the lifestyle so glamerous. I don't think I'll ever be able to understand it."

"When they get older the crimes just get worse."

"I would say it's time for a break." Ana says as she glances at her watch. "And once they've had their lunch, we can sit down and talk to them. And don't worry, they don't bite."

He forces out a laugh, a nervous one and he can't let onto anyone how nervous he feels about talking to the kida who he is here to help. Inhaling a deep breath, he makes the decision to suck it up and do what he came here to do.

 

 

The group of adolescents are reasonably calm after lunch and openly show their displeasure at being grouped together in the teaching room. They don't want to sit around and listen to anyone and would rather play cards or spend heir time more freely before it's lights out. They can smell Saul's nervousness like an animal thatcan smell their pray in the wild. Saul starts to wonder if he will ever get out alive.

****

"It went better than I thought it would." Saul says as he kicks off his shoes at the front door.

"You did great and you didn't let them get to you."

"I'm not too sure about that." He laughs as they both seem to flop down on opposite ends of the sofa.

"I can't help but wonder what kind of parent would allow their child to live like that."

"The parents can't do much for them when they've got their minds made up." Saul answers. "The gangs get a hold of them a d who they were before are history. Doesn't matter what good thing they've got going"

Ana detects the bitterness in hia voice and she wonders where it's came from. It's unlike him to be so moody anx morose, and she doesn't like it. Instead of pushing the matter, she asks him if any of the kids spoke to him and he shakes his head with a sigh. He knows it will be a long and weary process to gain their trust and he will be viewed as an authority figure, someone who locks them up and let's them out. Saul can see himself helping no one.


	10. Tell It How It Is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback would be lovely guys. Feel free to be critical.

It's a warm early morning and it's only supposed to get hotter as the day carries on and the increase in humidity caused everyone to be more irritable and less tolerant. Already one of the boys from D-Block had been isolated in one of the holding cells for punching one of the other boys who had been quietly reading on his bed. Saul had noticed the reading kid before that incident and rightly had him pegged as a loner, not attached to any group of peers and only spoke to the other boys in the passing. Saul makes up his mind that Richard Matthews would rather stay out of trouble than confront it and his whole attitude and demeanor went against the crime he was charged with. Saul casually goes over to Richard Matthews and sits down on the bench next to him, still observant of everyone around him and the seventeen year old bookworm.

"How's the eye?" 

"I'll live." The kid answers dismissively and continues reading.

'You know, you really should have put some ice on it to help with the swelling."

"It's not too bad."Richard says. "Could have been worse."

"Any idea why Alonzo picked on you?"

Richard glances up to the small basketball court and counts out the five guys from Alonzo's crew. He isn't completely stupid to be seen talking to a guard, especially about the goings on'.

"No idea."

"If you're trying to protect them they aren't going to thank you for it." Saul answers as he eyes everyone on the court.

"I'm not protecting anyone."

"So, Alonzo just decided to punch you for no reason?" Saul words everything carefully and he knows the code better than anyone.

"He doesn't need any reasons to do anything."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. You know if there's any problems you can come and talk to me." The grown man says as he stands up."Got any mail that needs checked? Today's the last day and then it gets sent tomorrow "

"No, there's no one."

Saul returns back into the building as another guard takes over the over viewing of the boys and he can't help but feel sorry for Richard Matthews. He decides to look at his file and he wonders if there's any way for him to the lonesome teenager and when he reads the file, he realises exactly why Matthews is in the institution. 

 

"Mr Gregor, what's the point of all this rehabilitation bullshit?" A kid called Franklin asks, a kid who is here because he robbed a grocery store with a meat cleaver.

"The whole point of it is so that you guys go back out into society to live normal and respectable lives." Saul answers in quotation of the Warden.

A few of the boys laugh and make comments, bumping their fists together at the amusing little jokes. But Saul doesn't find it funny. He doesn't find any hilarity in the situation at all and folds his arms across his chest. Ana watches and listens from the small office, keeping a casual eye on things to see how Saul is doing.

"That's right, you guys are going to get out of here and then end up straight back here in a month." Saul says loudly, in a kind of mocking tone. "Truth is, you guys are beyond rehabilitation."

Ana can't help but smirk at the stunned expressions and the sudden quietness from the group. She mentally adds a point to her scoreboard for convincing Saul to take this job.

"What does that mean, man?" Alonzo asks with a simmered down attitude.

"I thought you all liked being the tough guys and after here its straight onto prison." Saul answers and he is giving the impression he doesn't give a damn about of them, but he feels completely the opposite 

"Prison ain't so bad." a Hispanic kid by the name of Roger says, already his shoulder is marked with the gang symbol.

"If prison isn't so bad, how come so many criminals avoid it?" Saul asks. "You don't see any rapists or murders or gangbangers waiting at the scene of the crime to get caught, do you? I mean what's not to like about prison, three meals a day, a roof to keep you dry, no personal effects or going for a shower or a shit when you feel like it, one hour a day maximum outside and three showers a week. What's not to love about prison?"

Another minute of silence passes over the group and even their usual murmurings are stalled by the harshness of Saul's voice.

"We've got our homies!" A black kid, who Saul doesn't know the name of yells out."We with them, nothings going to happen."

"You really think that?" Saul asks and he chuckles. "Man, you kids are deluded. Who told you that prison was a bed of roses, your homies?"

The black kid nods as he shares a nervous glance with his two buddies who look just as nervous as he does and Ana is seriously impressed with the way Saul is handling things. Especially when she or anyone else would have caused a riot, but Saul has one thing in his favour and that's why he WS convicted. To almost every gang out there, murder is the crime that's going to win you brownie points. 

"Well, it isn't." Saul answers in a matter of fact tone. "Most inmates share a cell with someone and sure, its probably someone from your own gang, but they aren't going to be around forever. While you're shacked up in your cosy little cell with a backed up toilet, not everyone is going to be pleased as your cell buddy to see you. There's rival gangs, not just ethnic differently gangs, but branches of the groups. The Hispanics have smaller groups, the blacks, the whites, everyone. So, if you want to survive prison don't go pissing anyone off."

"How do you not piss people off.?" Richard Matthews asks quietly from his seat.

"The only say is to die." Saul let's it sink in."You could be playing cards and some guy wants them, you tell him no and the next thing you know you have a shank stuck in your ribs. You address certain gang members by the wrong title and your throat gets slashed from eat to ear and by the time the guards get to you, you're dead."

For the next forty minutes, Saul recites every worst possible case scenario about life in prison and even though he's fabricated the stories, it does happen and he sees the fear and panic grow in many of the boys eyes.

****

"I am so glad today is over." Ana says with a deep sigh as she flops down onto the sofa."And my feet are killing me."

"Yeah, it was a pretty intense day."

"Remind me to never let you tell me a ghost story, Saul. I think you scared the pants off them." She says as she leans over to take off her boots and once they are off she wiggles her toes.

"I was just telling them how it was."

"And you did great." She answers with a yawn. "If you have to scare them just to get through to them go ahead."

Saul chuckles as he rubs his eyes, suddenly feeling mentally and physically exhausted. He goes into the kitchen and opens two beers, joining Ana on the sofa as she rubs the soles of her feet.

"Those kids are deluded into thinking that prison is some high status thing that makes you more respectable."

"And the truth is that it doesn't. It makes them the kind of people everyone else wants to stay away from." Ana answers thoughtfully. "Most of them are so institutionalised they can't function without it. They either don't know any better or they just accept that this is their life, in and our of jail. it's depressing."

"Try being there."

"Saul, I didn't mean anything by that." She says in genuine reassurance. "You did your time and you've come out a changed man. I mean look at what you're doing by trying to help kids, by giving it to them straight about the lives they're going into.You're taking the glamour and appeal away from it."

"And what if in the end they all come back or end up in body bags before they even do real jail time."

"All we can do is hope that they change their options." She answers with feeling."Some of them are just too blinded by what their gangs have said."

"There was this kid once who got straight out of some rehabilitation program and he ended up straight in with the big boys. He was tiny, one of those kids who thought thy knew it all cause they were in a gang. But the gangs on the inside were bigger."

"What happened to him?" She asks as she moved into a more comfortable position.

"It started off with the little stuff, like uh...taking the kids rationed soap and toothpaste of him and nudging him at meals. The kid started working in the laundry for some cash for the store and that was when he made his bog mistake."

"What mistake was that?" Ana presses with growing curiosity.

"He was just a kid who was shooting his mouth off against these two yahoos. He claimed he knew the leader from his gang on a personal level and it turned out, the guys he was working with were the rivals."

"And he got hurt?" She asks.

"Yeah, he. got worse than hurt. This rival gang weren't just regular guys, they were the sisters and they meant business. They were a group of guys who got sick of being treated like shit cause they were gay. They were brutal when it came to their punishments "

"Oh my God." She exclaims. "What did they do to him?"

"They raped him at first at any chance they could get and then the kid started fighting back."

"Which would have made it worse." She adds with a slight shake of her head, frowning.

"It made it a whole lot worse. They paid off a guard to look the other way, go for a walk and keep out of the way while they did the job. They cut off his junk and stuffed it in his mouth before slashing his throat."

Ana makes a face of disgust and she's genuinely sad for the boy who lost his life in such a brutal way. She wonders if his mother knew the extent of his injuries and the circumstances surrounding them and in the end if she even cared or washed her hands of him. She gets up from the sofa and goes into the kitchen as if she's on automatic pilor, her skin the colour of pale ash as she gets some water from the fridge. She tries to stop thinking about the boy in the prison and tries to push Jesse out of her mind. She prays that if he were still alive he wouldn't be involved in anything that could lead him to prison. Saul gently touches her arm.

"I'm sorry." He says softly. "I didn't mean to upset you."

"Its fine. I just.....It's just that I knew how it felt losing Jesse and I wonder how that boy's mother felt. Couldn't she have stopped him going down that path?"

"His mom didn't care about him. She visited once and that was it." He answers."Ana?"

He speaks to her as the tears start to fall and she collapses into his arms, both of them kneeling on the floor as violent sobs take over her body. Saul rubs her back and whispers to her that everything is going to be okay, but he isn't convinced that it really will be. He has no idea how this wonderfully strong woman can stand the sight of him after what he did, by taking the most precious thing in her life away and in his mind, whether it was an accident or not its unimportant. He killed her child.

 

Guilt is like quicksand, a substance that is equally powerful as it is dangerous and it pulls Saul under relentlessly as he sits on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands. The strength of the guilt gets stronger every day and it feels like he's got concrete blocks tied to his ankles, and he's sinking further and further into the guilt. The guilt has always been there. crushing him and he doesn't know how to pull himself out to make things right, but he doesn't even know if he wants the pressure in his skull to stop or the nauseating churning of his stomach to subside because its more than he deserves. He deserves this as punishment for what he did.

"Saul?"

Startled by the sudden intrusion, he looks up to see Ana standing in the doorway dressed in a robe. She smells like coconuts and her eyes are still puffy and red from crying. He meets her halfway and is ready to start grovelling, to say that he is packing his things and leaving and she can't stop him until she starts to speak, a tremor in her voice.

"I just wanted to thank you for what you did downstairs." 

"I...I didn't do anything." He says and is clearly confused as to shy she is thanking him.

"I'm thanking you because you were there. It was.....nice to cry and have someone there to just....hold me. I haven't felt like that in a long time."

He nods in silent understanding and it occurs to him that they need each other. He realises that it wasn't just Jesse who as taken away from her that day, but also her husband who had gone off and started a new life with someone else.

" Ana, I'm sorry that -" 

She cuts him off by giving him a soft kiss on the cheek that catches the corner of his mouth. She looks up at him and her voice is still shaky with emotion.

"Thank you." She says as she turns and leaves.

 

Saul can still feel the brush of her lips against his and once he' s in bed, settling down for the night and all he can think about is her lips.


	11. Between Two Worlds

Ana yawns as she pours herself some coffee and she knows that in an hour she will be thankful for the caffeine boost after such a restless night. She had tossed and turned the whole night, trying to get comfortable and to control the fleeting thoughts that swarmed around her head. She feels drained as she sips her coffee and it's a misty morning with a chill in the air, but she doesn't know if she's imagining it because of the thoughts that still plague her mind. His lips were soft and warm and it had been a long time since she felt anything towards another human being, especially a growing fondness that grew each and every day. 

Ana tries not to think about Saul as she pours some cereal into a bowl and she is so distracted by trying not to think about him, she spills milk all over the counter.

"Damn!" She curses under her breath as she reaches for a cloth.

It isn't like her to be so absentminded and she hopes that the coffee will at least help with how exhausted she feels. There is no sound coming from upstairs and she assumes that he is still asleep and that suits her fine because she doesn't know how to react after the accidental grazing of lips. She wishes she had the day off, but it would just make her brood over her irrational thoughts and she stops as she goes to open the fridge. The picture of Jesse smiles back at her as he hangs from the monkey bars at the park and she remembers taking the photo, how they had taken a picnic and then walked around the woods with Jesse telling her stories of adventures. She smiles sadly at the memory and she remembers how excited he had been as he told her about knights of the round table slaying dragons and rescuing damsels in distress, how he wanted to be a knight at Halloween and to get so much candy all his teeth would fall out. Jesse never got to eat the candy or dress up as a knight and she remembers how she had been so angry with the man who took her son from her and now, here she is thinking about him and his lips.

"Hi." Saul says as he comes into the kitchen, making her jump."Are you okay 'cause you don't look so good?"

"I'm fine. Just feeling a bit under the weather. So, how do you plan on spending your day off?"

Saul knows something is going on by the way she tries to prove that everything is okay, the chirpy attitude that is over exaggerated. He glances at the picture of Jesse and frowns, still unable to let the guilt leave him.

"Going to take a walk. Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine." She answers as she returns to her bowl of cereal. "I think it's just that virus that's going around."

"Maybe you should see a doctor."

"I don't need to see a doctor and I don't need you trying to tell me what I can and can't do." She snaps impatiently and then covers her face with her hands, trying to apologise. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap like that. I've just got a lot on my mind."

"It's okay. Is there anything I can do to help?"

She eyes him for a second as tears and guilt flush over her and she can hear Tim already making comments about how she became attracted to her son's killer. He would take great joy in telling everyone that since his new life was much happier.

"No, there's nothing you can do. But, thank you."

He nods and flashes her a nervous smile and grabs a mug from the draining board, filling it with coffee and then taking a seat at the table. Ana doesn't even eat her cereal and scoops it into the bin, but sits across from Saul and sips her drink.

"A walk sounds nice."

"You should come." He suggests.

"I have work to go to and besides, I wouldn't be very good company." 

"Maybe some other time." He says and feels a little disappointed and he has no idea why other than his growing feelings towards her and he reasons it's a good thing.

 

They sit in silence, just sipping coffee before Ana has to start getting ready for work and once she is gone, Saul is left alone with his own thoughts. He can't deny it to himself that there's something there for Ana, but no matter how much he cares about her he can't express it. Pulling on his coat, he decides to go for a log walk to clear his head and to forget about how good her lips felt on his and how good it felt to hold her in his arms.

****

The small staff room is quiet as Ana sits with one of her colleagues and best friend's, Gloria Stanford sit at the table with their lunches from home and mugs of stewed coffee. Gloria is naturally chatting happily about anything and everything as Ana stares at her tuna sandwiches with disgust, the very thought of eating making her feel sick. 

Suddenly, Gloria stops talking and turns with purpose and accusation to her friend. They had both become members of the team at the facility at the same time, Ana a guard and support officer and Gloria the head secretary, who also organised everything from vacation forms to wages.

"Okay, you're quiet and hardly said two words. What's going on?"

"Nothing." Ana answers defensively. 

"Yeah right and if you really expect me to believe that, you must think I was born yesterday. Did Tim call you again and start his crap?"

"No, it's not Tim." She says with a heavy sigh and she feels like she's got the weight of the world on her shoulders.

"This isn't like you to be so quiet, so I expect you to share whatever's got you worked up."

The slightly older woman with permed grey hair has a point and she waits for her you get friend to spill whatever's on her mind, but Ana doesn't even know where to begin. She doesn't know herself exactly how she feels and she has no idea how to tell someone else about it, but the bonus of confiding in Gloria is that she will understand and won't be judgemental about it.

"I don't know where to start."

"Try at the beginning." Gloria suggests as she cups her hands around her cup.

Ana feels stupid, like she's going insane and she can't seem to keep her emotions in check. Right this second she could see the look on Tim's face as she divulges the whole ugly story to her friend and waits for her reaction. Gloria is silent, as if processing the information and finally she pats Ana's hand.

"There's nothing wrong with how you feel."

"Then why do I feel so....." Ana tries to explain and looks away in shame. "Dirty?" 

"There's nothing to feel dirty about. You can't help how you feel towards someone."

"It just....It's not right." Ana finally says.

Gloria gently pats the younger woman's  
l hand and gives her a genuine smile, sincere and motherly and she has always been there when Ana needed her.

"And who gets to say what is right and wrong in this world?" Gloria continues. "If everyone did what was acceptable, there would be no adventure and discovery. You deserve some happiness in your life and if I were you, I would take it with both hands and never let go."

*** 

 

The house is in darkness by the time Ana returns home and she balances the bag of groceries on her hip as she opens the door and turns on the hallway light. She is late by an hour, having just spent that hour driving around and trying to collect her thoughts as Gloria's words start to make sense. Once the groceries are put away, she checks the answering machine and isn't surprised to have a message from Tim and he sounds angry, so she deletes the message and goes back into the kitchen. She isn't in the mood for Tim or his games or anything to do with him actually, and she makes a mental note to change her landline so he can't pester her every time he wants to yell at someone. Ana knows that's really when he calls, to take out his frustrations on her and to make her out to be the bad guy in every situation. Well, she's had enough. She's had enough of Tim and makes the decision to cut him out of her life, once and for all.

A faint glow of light tells him that Ana is home and he quietly let's himself in, taking off his shoes so he doesn't wake her as he goes into the kitchen and leaves the enormous bouquet of flowers on the table. He flinches in fright as the kitchen light snaps on and he turns to see Ana standing in the doorway with a confused expression.

"I...uh...bought you some flowers." He stutters out, nervously. "To say....sorry."

"What are you sorry for?"

Saul nervously wrings his hands together as if he's squeezing out moisture from his skin, his foot tapping against the floor.

"Saul?" She says his name gently as she approaches him. "What have you done that you are saying you're sorry."

"For everything. I.."

"You need to let go of it. " She answers and gently runs his upper arm. "You can't keep torturing yourself or you'll end up making yourself sick."

"If it wasn't for me you would still be married and have a husband, have a kid who would-" 

"Stop." Ana says without hesitation. "Tim and I werent happy and losing Jesse made us realise that. Yes, I wish Jesse was still here, but he isn't. I have to accept that and self-pity isn't going to change that."

"If I could change what happened, I would."

"I know you would." She answers. "And I thank you for it, but we can't change what happened. We just have to live with what we have left."

He nods silently and avoids her gaze, feeling the heat of her hand on his arm. 

"Jesse wouldn't want you feeling like this." Ana says with feeling. "He wouldn't want you doing this to yourself."

"I'm not helping you-"

"You are." She replies firmly. "Right now I can't tell you how much, but you really are. I hope one day I can tell you, but it's not right now."

 

Saul stares up at the ceiling, going over how he had tried to tell Ana that staying with her wasn't doing her any good. He could see that she was troubled, how he had caught her staring off into the distance or how she had snapped a little or even looked at him a certain way, but never once did she look at him in disgust or hatred and that's maybe what he doesn't undertand, how she had been able to forgive. He doesn't known if he will ever be able to understand.


	12. Second Chances

Never in a million years did Ana or Saul think they would have an unspoken mutual attraction towards the other and as the weeks passes, that attraction also grew and neither of them dared to act on it, but quietly acknowledged it. Ana had talked about her attraction to Saul with Gloria and the older and much wiser woman didn't see how admitting such feelings would be a problem, but Ana knew how severe the backlash could be from her ex-husband. Saul on the other hand had no one to voice his concerns with and decided to bury them in the recesses of his mind, choosing to focus on his job and helping the kids who needed it most. 

***

The first thing Saul notices as he steps out into the yard is that Richard Matthews has once again segregated himself from everyone else. In the last few weeks, he had tried repeatedly to get Richard to take part in something, whether it was some type of project or even playing basketball with some of the other boys, but every time he refused. 

Two weeks ago, Richard had received a letter and because the rules weren't as strict at the facility, his mail or anyone else's wasn't read in great detail and since then, he had withdrawn himself even further. Saul knew that whatever was in the correspondence had clearly upset Richard and as he crosses over to thin and wiry boy, he sits down on the grass next to him.

 

"How's it going?" 

"Okay, I guess." The boy answers with a shrug and doesn't say anymore.

"You look tense. And you've been like this since that letter arrived."

"So?" Richard snaps and mumbles something under his breath, something that sounded like it was none of his business.

"Must have been an interesting letter to get you riled up like this."

"What do you care?" The teenager snaps viciously and shakes his head. "You don't know a damn thing about it. You wouldn't understand."

"Help me understand. You know there's help here if you want it, but you've got to ask for it."

Saul gets up and starts to walk away when the boy calls him back and he naturally sits down, as if knowing that Richard is going to say whatever is on his mind.

"My mom wrote to me."

"She doesn't usually write to you" Saul answers with a nod and pauses as he tries to recall what the woman looked like, but he remembers that she never once visited. "Good news?"

"Not for me, man. She and her boyfriend are moving while I'm in here and she told me I'm not welcome there. They're moving closer to be with his family."

"And her leaving with her boyfriend is what's upset you?" The older man asks and waits for a reply.

"Ever since dad died she stopped caring about us. I got into trouble cause her getting mad at me was the only way she would talk to me."

"Yeah, families aren't perfect." Saul agrees. "But once you get released you can go out there and start a new life. Really make it work."

"She don't want me going there. She said I was just a disease that would infect their happy little lives, so I've to stay away.".

"That isn't fair because you're still her son, no matter what you do." Saul says with great sympathy for the boy. "Is she going to come see you before she goes?"

"Yeah, but it'll just be her screaming at me." 

"You don't know that. It happens all the time, how she blames me for everything bad in her life. It's not fair."

"Have you tried talking to her about how you feel?" he suggests to the boy and Richard sadly shakes his head.

"She wouldn't listen."

"You won't know unless you try." Saul answers as he gets up to leave. "Think about giving her a chance."

Eventually Richard Mathews had decided to give his mother one last chance and spoke yo Saul privately away from everyone else and Saul promised he would call the boy's mother, and when he did, he had to do his best to convince her that it was in both their interests. Later that day, there was a noticeable change in Richard because someone actually tried to help him and not because they had an ulterior motive, which he had found over the years rare. Saul knew how Richard must have felt when his mother turned her back on him because his own father had done exactly the same thing himself, turning his back on his own flesh and blood.

 

The meal in front of him looks delicious and appetising and he feels bad that he hasn't eaten a single mouthful of the pork chops and mashed potatoes. Ana knows something is bothering him and thinks of a way to approach the subject of what is on his mind. She had heard all about how Richard Matthews was finally getting a visit from his mom and that was down to Saul, who she knew saw a little of himself in the kid. As she sips wine, she can't help but think how things could have been if Saul hadn't come into their lives, and she starts to question whether she and Tim would still be together and would Jesse be mapping out his life for adventure. No, she can't think about it. Ana knows she is driving herself crazy with these thoughts, these day dreams that seem to happen without her wanting them to and she knows she is being too hard on herself. She knows she is punishing herself. 

"Are you okay?" 

"huh?" Saul answers I'm reply, looking up at her with a confused expression. 

"You look as if you have something on your mind." 

"Yeah, I guess I do." he mumbles. 

"Want to talk about it?"

He shrugs as a way of answering and Ana sighs, moving her own plate to the side.

"It might make you feel better." She suggests and takes a sip of her juice. "It's worth a try. Is it about Richard Matthews?"

"Yeah, I guess it's part of that."

"Tell me about it." Ana says gently.

"I don't know. I guess it's just knowing how the kid feels to have....your mom or your dad abandon you."

"Have you spoke to him since....it happened?." She asks.

Saul shakes his head, sadly. He goes onto explain that he had tried calling his dad and had written to him hundreds of times and he only ever got one letter in reply and that was to leave him alone, denouncing Saul as his son.

"Maybe you should try."

"He's stubborn and he won't see me. He wants nothing to do with me and I guess I just have to accept it." He says with a heavy sigh. "I don't think he ever knew how to be a dad. He always pushed me away at every chance he got and now, it's final."

"You made a mistake, Saul."

"And he believes I made a whole bunch of them, even being born." He says with heart wrenching revelation. "As soon as mom was gone, he figured everything was down to me."

"That's horrible. How can he say that when you are his son, regardless of what you've done."

"He doesn't have a son." Saul says and gets up from the table.

 

Ana watches Saul as he clears his plate and puts it into the dishwasher, watching him as he goes upstairs with a painful defeat in his eyes that matches the hurt in his heart. She could never imagine herself turning her back on Jesse because of what he had done and she doesn't understand why Saul's father has the compassion and maternal instincts of a plank of wood. She just doesn't get it.

***

The depression Saul had fallen into had Ana deeply worried as she stepped out into the cool and very refreshing morning air, her feet crunching on the gravel as she walks towards the main building. It had been a week since their conversation over dinner and since then, he had been pretty much mute unless he was at work and the strain on his face told her something else. Saul was hurting for his father, a loss that felt like a bereveament since he hadn't anything to do with his father since the incident. Ana approaches a portly nurse with wiry hair and introduces herself and is finally led down a maze of corridors and up flights of stairs. 

She is literally handed over to another nurse who leads her towards the recreation room.

"Mr Gregor can be a little..."She starts to say. "A little tetchy, but if he gives you any problems just let someone know."

"I will, thank you."

"He doesn't get any visitors does Mr Gregor." She goes on to explain. "Not a single one in all the time he's been here. Are you a relative?" 

"I'm a friend of his son. They haven't spoken in a while and I'm trying to get them to resolve their differences."

"Good luck to you, that's all I can say. He's a stubborn old fool and likes things done his way, right down to his laundry." The nurse says with a shake of her head. "Maybe hearing from his son will perk him right up. That's him in the armchair in front of the TV. He hardly moves from that thing."

"Thank you."

Ana tries not to show her apprehension as she walks slowly, but confidently to the old man with dark grey hair, a man who would have been bigger in his younger years and is now a bag of skin and bones. She watches the way he stares at the TV and she clears her throat, still being ignored. 

"Mr Gregor, I'm Ana. I'm here to talk to you if you could give me a few minutes of your time." She says softly and sighs when he continues to ignore her. "Mr Gregor, I'm here about your son, Saul."

The old man turns to her, glaring as hate builds like a volcano and is awaiting to erupt.

"Whatever he's done, I ain't interested."  
"He hasn't done anything, Mr Gregor. He's been released from prison and is rebuilding his life. I understand he wrote to you." Ana says, using a tons that is friendly and encouraging.

"He wrote to me and I threw them in the trash. Not worth reading. Why you here, lady?"

"I'm here to talk to you about you and Saul rebuilding the bridges. To have a relationship again." She answers.

"Ain't gonna happen. I want nothing to do with him. He's evil and you should stay away from him too."

"What makes you think he is evil, Mr Gregor?" She asks plainly, trying to mask every emotion from the old man.

"He killed that boy. He killed that clerk at the store. That's evil."

"Both were proven as accidents.Saul has served his time and is rebuilding his life." She explains firmly.

"Once a killer always a killer. A leopard don't change it's spots and neither will he. Why you getting involved for, lady? He tell you some story and you believed it? That boy should have got the needle and then saved and got the chair until he was dead."

"I'm involved because I'm a friend and I'm trying to help him and there was no sob stories to make me feel sorry for him." She replies.

"The best thing you could do was run a thousand miles away from him. He's poison."

Ana shakes her head in disagreement and stands there, never having seen so much hate from a man who directs it on his own child. 

"Everyone deserves a second chance." 

"Not evil." He answers. "Tell that to the mother of the boy he killed."

"You're looking right at her. Mr Gregor."


	13. Roll Of The Dice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback would be amazing and also ideas for one-shots would be greatly appreciated.

The old man looks up at her in amazement, bewildered at the revelation that she is the mother of the boy Saul killed and he can't fathom why she is here or why she is appearing to help him. He clears his throat and his hand shakes as he lifts the plastic beaker of water to his lips, some dribbling down his chin and dampening the front of his sweater. He is clearly confused and surprised that anyone would take an interest in Saul's life, especially after what he had done. 

Benjamin Gregor had never been maternal towards his son and belittled and bullied him whenever possible. The old man had been mortified when Saul was caught stealing the goods from lockups and they had to move on, Benjamin having found an old trailer to stay in. It was that very same night he had been woken up by the police and he sat on the broken sofa as they told him what his son had been involved in. They had arrested Saul as he wretched into a garbage can and didnt try to run or resist arrest, he simply let himself be taken to jail. 

 

Benjamin shivers at the memory of hearing the awful crimes his son had committed and knew that he was no angel, the odd black eyes or bleeding nose testified to that and he never knew what made him so desperate to rob a store, shoot a clerk and kidnap a child. At the time, the old man refused to read the story in the newspaper and on the news, knowing exactly how they twisted everything. All Saul's lawyer would tell him was that the younger Gregor was in serious trouble and was desperate and then the senior Gregor was told the verdict

"I don't know what you want." Mr Gregor says once he's quenched his thirst. "But I am sorry for your loss."

"Thank you. What I want is for you to listen, Mr Gregor. I want you to listen to what I have to say."

"About Saul?" He asks with a shake of his head. 'I'm not interested." 

"I think you should be interested because he is your son."

"He's no son of mine." He replies. "He's dead to me." 

Ana's patience is starting to wear thin as she pulls up a chair next to him and glances at the TV. 

The nurse was right when she called him a stubborn old fool and she wonders how his own father treated him growing up. She knows that the children pretty much grow into their parents, but Saul had been lucky and she assumes he is more like his mother.

"Mr Gregor, do you have any idea how it feels to lose a child?" She asks sharply, impatient and firmly. "Because I know better than anyone how that feels, what it's like to know you will never see them grow up and get married and have children of their own. I won't ever know what that's like and I find it hard to believe that you are willing to throw your own son to the wolves too easily."

The old man sits in silence, just staring at nothing as she continues. Some would say she is emotionally bullying the old man to listen to what she has to say and others would say she is telling him a few home truths that he should have been told a long time ago.

"Saul is an amazing man. He served his time and was ready to die, to pay for his crimes and he never once denied what he did. He never once tried to blame anyone else for what he did."

"Why did you save him when he killed your son?" Benjamin Gregor asks finally."Why didn't you just let him die, an eye for an eye and all that."

"Because two wrongs don't make a right and no matter what happened, it wouldn't bring my son back. Do you want to know what your son did in prison? He studied courses and earned his degrees, but for what reason? He knew he was going to die anyway. It was all just a waste of time and he helped a lot of the prisoners in his time there. He did what he could for them."

"Did he think it was going to change what he done?" He snaps. "Nothing he does can change what he done. Not one damn thing."

"How about when he took care of you. Mr Gregor. Doesn't that count for something?"

The old man presses his lips together into a thin line and ignores her question. He is done talking and he makes it perfectly clear that has is done talking about Saul and to her. Benjamin can't think for the life of him why she wants anything to do with Saul when he murdered her son, an innocent boy.

"Saul's changed. He goes to gambler addict therapy groups and he has a job, helping kids who are going down the wrong paths. He is good at what he does because he's been there and blaming him for something that happened between you and your wife isn't fair."

Ana turns and starts walking away, annoyed at herself for having lost her temper. The old man is more than just stubborn and he is possibly the most horrendous person she has ever met when it comes to compassion.

"Wait!" He yells out behind her and she walks back towards him. " Why are you doing this?"

"Because I care for him and he made a terrible mistake, we all do and he is never going go be allowed to forget it. Mr Gregor, he needs his father. He needs support and understanding and if I can do it, why can't you?"

"I can't." He mumbles and reaches for his water again. "What's done is done."

"You aren't going to last forever and when you die, Saul is going to be so traumatised because he never got to make things right with you. If you care about your son, at least give him that."

***

 

It had been a tough day at the facility, especially booking in new arrivals and having to deal with their cocky attitudes and personas that could intimidated people on the street, but in the facility it didn't have the same effect. Saul had ended up putting two boys in solitary for fighting with other boys and a third boy required immediate medical assistance, so he was transferred down to the medical wing for a few days. It had been an even tougher afternoon when the kids who normally played basketball decided to protest against their recreation time and were all threatened with an extra six months on their stay. It had worked, but Saul could see something nasty growing in the background, but he had no idea what. He knew it would materialise when the time came and he just hoped everyone was ready for it when it did explode.

 

The sound of the front door closing rouses Saul from his thoughts and he gets up from the table to start hearing up Ana's dinner that he had kept. She looks exhausted, deflated.and completely at her wits end about something and he wonders what she got up to on her day off.

'I made lasagne." He says as he puts the bubbling hot pasta dish on the table.

"Thanks. This looks really great."

She had forgotten to eat earlier because she had been so angry at what happened at the care home, now she had a headache and knew she couldn't tell Saul she was there. She eats the whole plate of pasta and wipes her mouth with a napkin, sipping at the glass of wine she had been given and she has to admit that she needs it now more than ever. 

He tidies up the kitchen as she finishes her glass and pours another, and he's concerned about how quiet she is. The whole day he had thought about her I. the most inappropriate of ways and he has to remind himself that she is less than ten metres away. 

"So, what did you do today?" 

"Oh, I went for a long walk and went window shopping." She answers with a tired sigh. 

'Sounds like hard work."

"You have no idea how hard it was." She continues and rubs her eyes. "It feels good to be home. Actually, I think I'm going to run a bath and get an early night. Thank you for dinner."

Saul flashes her a smile and gets the feeling that something is bothering her, but he is having trouble on how to approach the subject with her. The last thing he wants to do is force himself upon her and he would have gladly took her in his arms and tell her it would be okay, but only if this...attraction didn't surface and bubble beneath the surface.

 

****

 

 

Two Days Later

 

It is a miserable morning, complete with high winds and torrential rain and all that's missing is an evacuation warning for an awaiting natural disaster. The sky overhead is black and the streets are empty, even at eight-thirty in the morning, where normally people would be getting ready to start their day. Ana groans as she peers through the windscreen as the rain batters down on her car, making it difficult to see the road and she considers turning around and calling it a day, but she needs the distraction.

Two days ago she had met with Saul's father, a nasty piece of work called Benjamin who had the empathy and emotional range of a stone and since then the meeting had weighed heavily on her mind. She could understand why any parent could be angry at their child's choices, but she knows she never would have had it in her to turn her back on Jesse, no matter what he had done. Thankfully she gets to work in one piece and the quick dash across the forecourt leaves her soaked to the skin as she signs in and bumps into Gloria who is doing some filing.

"It's about time you got here."

"Why, what's wrong?" Ana asks curiously as she peels off her soaked raincoat.

"Chris Martinez killed himself last night. He slashed his wrists with a razor that he somehow managed to get hold of and he left a note, telling everyone of his innocence."

"What set him off?" The younger woman asks as she is handed a photocopied print out of the suicide note. 

"He was due in court next week and said he couldn't live with the shame of what he was accused of."

"Chris's story never changed and he beat up a kid when he got here for physically abusing his girlfriend." Ana says as she reads the note and her stomach churns and lurches.

"He always said it was his stepbrother who was into that stuff and I think he knew that mud would stick even if he was acquitted or found not guilty."

Ana nods sadly as she passes the letter back to Gloria and says she will do some digging with the other boys. They also believed he was being set up and didn't believe the charges against him and that really is a first. She goes through to the staff room where she hangs up her coat and she wonders about Chris Martinez who had taken his own life because he couldn't live with being falsely accused of owning child pornography. She sighs as she puts her bag into her locker and goes out to start the day.

 

Every boy in D-Block said exactly the same as each other when it came to talking to them. None of them believed that Chris Martinez was guilty of what he was accused of. Everyone is naturally subdued and sharing the grief that is thick in the air and the staff are monitoring every interaction carefully in case something happens and a brawl erupts amongst them. With flaring tempers and unpredictable emotions, it isn't always easy to tell what is going to happen and it could lead to be a potentially dangerous situation. As the day goes on, the depressed young men keep themselves to themselves and avoid any contact with anyone else. 

**

 

As Ana gets ready to leave and go home, Saul is just coming into the staff room and looks just as glum as everyone else. She had sent him a text explaining what had happened and he didn't reply back, but she knows by the look of him that something is on his mind. 

"Saul?" She asks as she gently touches his arm and she knows the sudden pull towards him is making it harder not to care. "Are you okay? You look a little distracted."

"I guess I am. I just wish I knew what was going on."

"What do you mean?" She probes gently.

"Pop called from the care home. Well, a nurse did."

"And what did the nurse say to you?" Ana asks and is ready for admitting her earlier visit to Benjamin Gregor.

"He wants to see me, to sit down and talk."

Ana breathes a small sigh of relief and rubs his arm supportively as a bell for six o'clock sounds overhead, marking the start of the evening's recreation time.

"Are you going to go?"

"I don't know." He answers quietly. 

"Saul, if you don't go I think you would regret it and you might not get this opportunity again."

"Maybe." He sighs. "Maybe it's just so he can tell me exactly where I went wrong."

"You don't know that. You were given a second chance and you owe it to yourself to do the same for someone else."

Before he can say anything, a few staff members come into the room and joke and laugh as they get ready to leave for another day and by the time Ana turns around, Saul is gone.


	14. Father and Son

Benjamin Gregor sits with his hands in his lap, twisting them nervously as he watches the flickering TV screen in the recreation room. Most of the residents, his friends and associates are participating in the art class and the chess game or completely doing their own thing, all activities that are supposed to keep their minds active. Benjamin would sometimes play chess or cards or sometimes read a book if he felt like it, but today the old man couldn't concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes. He looks down at the battered wrist watch and frowns at the waxy appearance of his skin, how frail he is compared to how he was when he arrived at the home. His days were mundane and unadventerous, really no big change from his time before. What he hated was being reminded of what he can and can't do, what he can and can't eat and what drives him crazy is that there is always someone treating him like a child. Medicine was checked and given to him at regular intervals and he was encouraged to socialise with the residents and he did when it suited him. Benjamin would rather sit in the faded brown armchair he had adopted and just watch day time television, watch the chat shows and then move onto the old dramas like the Walton's and M.A.S.H and then the odd movie about the wars and occasionally, even a documentary. The old man liked his routine just the way it is and some nurse would always upset the balance, like some of the residents. It hadn't been the first time that Benjamin had been involved in a verbal argument over the TV and which show should be watched, particularly by a new resident who forced themselves upon everyone else. Benjamin hated people like that and soon everyone except the nurses have him the space he wanted. The nurses called him stubborn and a handful and the residents called him a bitter old man, especially when he grumbled about everything when they joined him at the TV. However, they were used to it and would rather avoid any confrontation with him than sit in his company.

Benjamin looks at the time again and sighs quietly, wondering when his son is going to get here so he can deal with him and return to his routine without being pestered by what that woman had said. She was a pretty girl, obviously knew her apples from her oranges and he still can't think why she would want anything to do with Saul after what he had done. Saul had killed her son and she cared about him and to Benjamin, that was wrong. He sighs and glances towards the doorway where a nurse is bringing him a jug of fresh water and looks back at the TV. He isn't at all looking forward to meeting his son after all these years.

 

It's no surprise to Saul that the care home smells like disinfectant, stewed cabbage and human decay as he walks gingerly down the corridors towards a nurse's station and he wonders what his father wants to say to him after all this time. He can't rationalise the situation and wonders what's on the old man's mind. Saul walks into the TV room and spots his father instantly, the only occupant and he looks just the same as the last time he saw him, but older and frailer and much thinner. It takes everything in Saul to not go down on his hands and knees and beg for Benjamin Gregor's forgiveness and Saul knows that hell would have to freeze over before that happened.

"Pop?" Saul says with uncertaintity, his voice quivering.

The old man tells him to sit down without even looking at him and he leaves everything hanging in an awkward silence and let's Saul fill in the gaps. He isn't in the mood to play games with his father and decides to get straight to the point.

"I wrote to you and you never wrote back."

"I had no reason to." Gregor senior grumbles.

"And I tried calling you. But you never called back."

"Should I have done?" The old man asks with no remorse in his tone for letting years slip between them.

"You never cared, pop. Not even when I was a kid. Why didn't you...answer? "

Benjamin Gregor finally breaks his stare from the TV set and glares at his son.

"I'm ashamed of you, Saul. I'm ashamed of you. I don't know where I went wrong with you and you got worse after your mother left."

"So, you're still blaming me for mom leaving? " Saul asks, clearly hurt.

"We never wanted a family and then we found out she was pregnant with you and things were never the same. She changed and she put you first, putting all these....stories into your head of being something better than me. She didn't want you working a dead-end job like the man she married."

"I don't remember her leaving." The young Gregor admits quietly.

"It was in the Spring she left, packed up a suitcase and told me she couldn't stay. She said she couldn't you with her so it was up to me to raise you, but you got into more and more trouble."

"Why couldn't she stay? " Saul asks and he isn't sure if he wants to know the answer.

"Because of you. She gave birth to you and didn't love you enough to stay. The day you were born ruined us and I will never forgive you for that."

The old man looks back to the TV and the rolling credits of the show he had missed and this was naturally Saul's fault.

"Why did you want to see me, pop?"

"I want you gone for good." The old man says sternly. "I don't want to hear from you or see you ever again. You broke the family apart and you broke up someone else's. I always knew you were a bad apple and you can stay the hell away from everyone, in using your lady friend that you conned to come see me."

"Ana? "

"That's her. The mother of the kid you killed. She came by and convinced me to see you, so I have and now I can be left in peace. I don't know how you live with yourself after what you've done and I don't want to ever see you again. You're dead to me, Saul. You were dead to me the second you were born."

Benjamin Gregor grabs his walking stick and stiffly rises to his feet and takes one last look at his devastated son, his mouth in a thin sneer of disgust.

"You would do the whole world a favour by putting a gun in your mouth. No one is going to shed any tears over you."

 

***

It had turned out to be a lovely day and Ana had taken the opportunity to catch up on some chores. She is busy ironing when she hears the front door close and stairs creak with quiet footsteps and she wanders into the hallway, still folding some linen.

"Hey, how did it go?"

Saul stops and sighs, closing his eyes at the sound of Ana's voice and he had hoped he would have been able to sneak in and go to his room where he could gather his thoughts. He turns around and goes down the last few steps and she can tell by his expression that something is bothering him. 

"How did it go?" She asks again.

"Not great."

"What happened?" She asks as she lays the folded linen over the banister. "Saul?"

"Let's just say we cleared the air on a few things. It doesn't matter."

"It does matter because it's upsetting you." Ana counters. "What got cleared up?" 

"That's it."

"What's it?" She asks and is completely confused by his lack of willingness to talk about it and give her a straight answer.

"Pop, he uh...wants me out of his life, gone for good. He's ashamed of me, never wanted me and I ruined his life, so its better if I just...stay away."

She can see that he's hurting and wishes there was something she could do as she gently touches his arm.

"I'm sorry he said that, but you know he didn't mean all that."

"Oh, he did and more." He answers with a deep, tired and worn-out sigh."He told me straight that I was never wanted and that's why mom left 'cause she couldn't deal with me. Guess I'm just one big dissapointment."

"Saul, you were a kid. You can't take what he says seriously because he's bitter and feeling sorry for himself. There were problems between them before you came along and he's just using you as an excuse to justify his meanness and resentment of you."

"Whatever it is, he's probably right anyway." He says quietly, his lips pushing together as he remembers every argument and disagreement as a kid. "I'm this....monster who should have been left to rot and god knows why you care."

Ana watches him as he rubs his face and sniffs, close to the emotional breakdown she had been waiting on since he arrived home after his visit with his father.

"I care because....you're a friend, Saul." She answers softly. "That's what friends do."

"And friends look out each other and protect them from getting hurt, right?"

"That's what friends do." She confirms it.

"Well, you failed. You failed 'cause even after your little visit, here I am."

Saul has had enough dramatics for one day and storms off upstairs and leaves Ana standing there, a little shocked and hurt by his harsh words, but she knows she shouldn't have gone to see Benjamin Gregor without Saul knowing. She should have known the old man would have told his son, more to stay in control and cause hurt more than anything.


	15. Through The Glass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is anyone willing to give detailed feedback?

The cup of tea that is nestled between her hands has long gone cold and the ticking clock is barely registering as she tries to weigh up her options on how to fix the situation with Saul. She thought she was helping him by making the first move and she didn't exactly expect the old man to rat her out either. She just wanted Saul and Benjamin to put the past behind them and have some kind of peace within themselves before it was too late and she knew that the guilt of what had happened would be another dark cloud in Saul's mind. Ana realises that she was maybe expecting too much after what had happened and she knew that Saul was upset. She could hear him pacing the floor at all hours during the night and tossing and turning in bed, but in the end comfort didn't find him either and she felt just as exhausted and guilty. She had forced herself on Benjamin Gregor on Saul's behalf and it was Saul who was given the backlash of her pushing.

Ana decides to go and at least try and talk to him, so she goes to his room and knocks lightly on the door. She is greeted by an exhausted face and a thin layer of stubble peppering his face.

"I made some tea." She says hesitantly. "And I came to say that I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gotten involved and I shouldnt have gone and seen him. It was none of my business, I'm sorry."

Ana turns to leave as she feels his hand on her arm, turning her back to look at him and she can tell he's trying to piece together what's on his mind. It must have been hard talking to his father after all those years and she understands why he gave up on Benjamin Gregor a long time ago.

"I know." He says quietly. "And I know you didn't, I guess I would always be wondering what if. Now I know."

"I'm so sorry, Saul. I never meant for things to happen like they did and I wanted you two to at least talk and get everything out in the open. If I knew he was going to be like that I never would have gone."

"Pop made his choice before I was even born." He answers in a soft, but very tired tone. "That's not your fault. You did what I wanted to do and couldn't. Now I know there's no going back."

She nods in acceptance of his words and pulls him into a tight hug. He is warm and smells like soap and a delicate aftershave, her arms wrapping almost too perfectly around his waist. Saul closes his eyes at the contact and he knows that she is holding him like a mother would her child and his lips quiver, tempted to kiss the top of her head. At the same time they seem to look at one another, Saul's hands on her waist and hers pressed flatly against his chest and they must be thinking the same thing to lean closer like they are. Finally, their mouths meet in a soft kiss and they both kiss each other back, the kiss deepening to a soft and slow, but passionate rhythem. 

What's happening suddenly registers in his mind as he abruptly pulls away, his eyes frantically flickering as he tries to think of a way to apologise.

"I'm sorry. That shouldn't have happened." He says finally and is halfway down the hallway. "I'm sorry."

"Saul-"

"I'm sorry. I need to go." He cuts her off.

Ana stands in the open doorway with her mouth hanging open in dismay, a little shocked at what happened between them even though she wanted it to. She finally sighs and shakes her head, still in a daydream as she goes downstairs and it hits her that their feelings of attraction is mutual. She just hopes it doesn't ruin what they have, a now strained friendship.

***

"Cheer up, sweetie." Gloria says to Saul as she fills her cup with coffee."It could be worse."

"I'm not so sure about that."

Gloria waits until the third occupant has left the staffroom as she pulls out a chair next to him and offers him one of the cupcakes in the old biscuit tin someone on the staff had made. With a shake of his head, he goes back to twisting and folding the paper napkin.

"Are you going to tell me what's bothering you or am I going to have to beat it out of you?"

"It's complicated." He answers and there's no sign of any humour in his tone or expression.

"Sweetie, nothing is ever that bad. Talking about it will help you know and take it from someone who has been around the block a few dozen times."

"It's....personal." He mumbles and glances up at her with uncertaintity.

Saul has always liked Gloria and everyone on the staff and the inmates treat her like their grandmother because she is such a caring and wonderful person and the last thing he wants to do is put Gloria in a bad position.

"What's eating at you, sweetie?" She probs gently, having always called the male species sweetie. "I cant help you if you don't tell me what's going on."

"Ana and I....I guess we had a fight."

"What was it over?" Gloria asks and pats his hand in reassurance. "Come on, we're making progress here."

"She went and talked to my pop and he....wanted to see me to tell me that I was no son of his."

"All the usual jerk speech, right?" She asks and he nods in reply. "I've known Ana a long time and if she thought that would have happened, she wouldn't have let you go see him or even go herself."

"It wasn't that...I mean, I got mad and then earlier..."

"What happened earlier, Saul?" She patiently asks.

He looks down at her perfectly manicured nails and well looked after hands, smelling the faint mint from her hand cream as he sighs. How can he tell this lovely woman his dirty secret? How can he possibly admit that to the sweet old woman who treats everyone like they are her offspring? How he can tell her that he is deeply, maybe even loves the mother of the son he had murdered?

"Saul?"

Her sweet voice brings him back to the reality of the situation and his shoulders slump forwards in defeat, ready for the backlash of his actions.

"I kissed her. Well, she kissed me and...."

"You kissed each other?" Gloria asks for clarity to what he is saying and he nods, silently. "And what exactly is the problem with that?"

"It shouldn't have happened, Gloria. After everything she's been through and I go and pull a stunt like that."

"And why shouldn't it?" She asks. "It was bound to happen with you two attracted to each other. It was just a matter of time."

"What do you mean it was only a matter of time?"

"Saul, open your eyes. As time has gone on, Ana has grown attracted to you and I know this for a fact." She takes a sip of tea. "And I know by the way you look at her or how you speak around her. She does exactly the same, which makes it easier for an old woman to piece together. But neither the two of you were prepared to make your move. Why is that?"

Saul glances up at her and he tries to put what he thinks into words that aren't going to earn him a cuff around the head, but from Gloria he would gladly take it. She looks at him with growing impatience and drums her long nails on the table, simply waiting.

"What I did makes It all wrong. How can she feel attracted to me when I killed her son?" He asks, suddenly angry at himself and Gloria naturally soothes him with her words and taking his hand and hers.

"No one ever said love was perfect and you will be amazed at the people who love each other on this planet. I know you deeply care for Ana and she deeply cares for you, and what happened was an accident. If she really hadn't forgiven you she would never have welcomed you into her home or her life."

"What do I do?" Saul sighs in defeat."How do I fix this?"

Gloria rests her hand on his forearm and leans in close, a motherly gesture that he hasn't felt in years. 

"You go talk to her. You two get things straight and I have a very good feeling that everything is going to be okay. Trust an old woman."

 

The arrival of a new member of staff was something that grabbed everyone's attention and no one in the entire building, including inmates and staff would have their curiosities satisfied until they set eyes on the new meat. Within a single afternoon, mostly everyone had formed an opinion on Colin Walker. No one seemed to like him and it was because he had swaggered in with a judgemental attitude and no compassion, already treating his colleagues and the boys he was in charge of with contempt. Within a matter of hours he had already upset several people, including Gloria. And that didn't go down well with the rest of the staff. No one seemed to like him as he studied everyone with his weasel eyes. Saul had met guy's like him before, people who hide behind their position of authority and abuse it so willingly. Within minutes of meeting Colin Walker, Saul already didn't like him. But he had more pressing matters on his mind than the new guy who has a God complex and the sooner he's finished for the day, the sooner he can fix the situation with Ana.

**** 

She had cried and cried and cried at the situation she had got herself in and quickly composed herself when she heard the front door opening and closing. Ana wonders if Saul is even going to go into the sitting room or whatever he's going to retreat upstairs. She has no idea what to do, but she knows how she feels and that's what is important, knowing that she can't let an icy awkwardness grow between them to the point of resentment. It would be living with Tim in those months after losing Jesse all over again and she knows that her heart can't take it. She can't live with losing someone else she cares about.

Ana startles when she looks up to see him anxiously looking at the carpet.

"Hi." He says quietly, nervous and then he looks up at her. "Have you been crying?"

"Oh, it's nothing. I was watching an old movie and it always makes me cry."

"Oh, okay." Saul answers and he isn't convinced. "I...uh...need to talk to you...but I get it if you...don't want to."

"Come and sit down."

He nods and moves, sitting next to her as she just as awkwardly tries to focus on anything but his face. She knows she would just start crying again if she did.

" What do you want to talk about?" She asks.

"It's about....what happened earlier. Ana, I'm so sorry. I'm just back to get my stuff."

"Saul, you don't have to go." She says firmly. "I don't want you to go because you're a good friend and I like having you around and I know you really aren't sorry about the kiss. Do you regret it?"

He shakes his head, unable to look at her as she closes some of the distance between them.

"Good, because neither do I."

"What?" He looks up at her, shocked.

"I said I don't regret the kiss and I really don't want you to leave."

"You're not..." He gulps. "Mad?"

"I'm anything but mad at you. I probably should have tried harder to tell you this morning, but....I'm very attracted to you."

"You can't." He answers quietly. "It's wrong on so many levels."

"Why is it wrong?"

"You know why." Saul says quietly. 

"I don't care what other people think or what they say about this. You're a good guy and you need to start believing it. You need to start believing in yourself because I believe in you."

She stands barely a few inches from him and touches his cheek, gazing into his eyes for a flicker of recognition that she's right and she satisfyingly smiles.

"Do you feel the same way?" She asks softly, her gaze falling to his lips and she so badly wants to kiss him again.

"Yeah"

"Good." She smiles. "Now we know how each other feels-"

"Where do we go from here?"

"Yes." She looks back up into his eyes, feeling a warm hand on her cheek.

"I do care about you, Ana. I just didn't want to hurt you."

"I know." She says sympathetically."And I didn't want to hurt you either, but I know what my heart is telling me."

"What is it telling you?"

"That I need to take a leap of faith." Ana replies. "With you."

Saul nods and tries to ignore the butterflies in his stomach as they move closer together. He cares deeply about her and owes her everything and the last thing he wants to do is wreck it, but he decides to let his heart rule his judgement for once.

"Can I take you on a date?" He asks in an almost whisper.

"I would love that. I would really love to have a date with you."


	16. Difference of Opinions

One Week Later

 

It had happened before they even realised what hey were doing, enjoying the feel of skin on skin and lips on lips in a passionate embrace. It had been so long for them and the lust had grown to an eruption of need and want, making them act like two crazy teenagers in love for the first time and all their issues and problems and doubts faded away, melting away like ice on a hot day. Their date had gone exceptionally well with a meal at a seafood restaurant and then a walk to an ice-cream shop a few blocks away, and then they went and saw a movie and returned home where they made love until dawn. They were unable to control themselves and this time they didn't want to pull back on the reigns that had kept them apart before, they were both finally taking that leap of faith.

***

Ana is sitting in the staff room when the latest addition to the team, Colin Walker strolls in and gets himself a cup of coffee. She is still tired from losing so much sleep with Saul on their date night and wouldn't change it for the world, however she does wish that they hadnt worn themselves out to exhaustion. 

An uneasiness comes over her as she feels Colin staring at her from behind and since she first met him, she had been unsettled by him for whatever reason and she hasn't been able to say why.

"You look like you could use a vacation." 

"I think everyone could use one." She answers not commitedly, trying to concentrate on the paperwork in front of her.

"Sure, a vacation with plenty of fresh air is what everyone needs in this place."

"I won't disagree with you there." She answers again, drier than the last time.

Colin moves around to the other side of the table and sits down, watching her intently as she reads through the papers and she doesn't dare look up at him or give him any kind of recognition. Ana is looking through the proposal for new programs to help rehabilitate the youths they care for and to naturally research the success and failing rates, even visit a centre that already has the programs underway to see how well they work.  
Colin Walker's proposal for rehabilitation had been more like a military training exercise, pushing the kid's they were meant to be helping until they were exhausted and had no energy to do or say anything. Ana had already decided against his proposal and would say so at the staff meeting at seven that evening.

"Is there many proposals for a new program from the staff?" Colin asks suddenly, sipping his black coffee.

"Every staff member tries to submit something or at least supports an idea when it goes to discussion."

"I would say my program is exactly what these....youths need." He says with so much self-assurence and arrogance. "These do-gooder programs don't work and they need structure and discipline. These people are always going to be criminals and they won't stop until they are in for a long time."

"These programs do work, Colin. And we have proof of that, as does every other institute in the country. We need to engage them and teach them."

"And give them counselling services and a pat on the back when they do one thing good out of a hundred bad things?" He laughs cynically. "They don't need to be treated with kid-gloves. They made their choices and need to be punished, not treated like they're hard done by."

Ana still doesn't look at him because it would only make her want to slap him in the face. She has no idea why someone like him would even be consideted to be allowed to help rehabilitate offenders when he already had them set up as failures. She comes across Saul's proposal and gives it he same consideration as she has done to everyone else's.

"That's what's wrong with this country. People like him."

"People like who?" She asks with confusion and she wonders what he had been saying when she had been ignoring him.

"People like Gregor, people like Nokes and Morgan."

"They are good people who know the system and work to solely help the people we take care of." She answers plainly.

"They are do-gooders who end up putting bigger and grander ideas into their peanut sized brains that they can do better."

"Don't you believe that everyone can do better than the situation they are in?" She raises an eyebrow at him, finally looking into his cold grey eyes.

"No, I don't. These kids are damned to hell. That's where they belong." 

Ana hides her disgust by glaring at the papers in front of her as Colin finishes his coffee and gets up to leave. She can't believe anyone would let this psycho in charge of anyone never mind impressionable people, ones who were here to be helped.

"I'll see you around sweet cheeks."

She glares at him as she watches him leave and sighs, turning her attention back to her paperwork and she knows these kids don't have a chance with someone like him around.

 

The meeting that evening hadn't gone well at all and Ana throws her keys onto the counter in frustration. Everyone was eager to see new projects taken on for the youths in the facility and every idea and opinion was quashed by Colin Walker. She mentally curses him as she grabs her pack of stashed cigarettes and opens up the back door. The man simply infuriates her to the point where she would or will eventually physically lash out at him, but the annoyance and irritation from the day's events fade as she feels a pair of muscular arms wrap around her waist and a set of lips kissing her neck.

"Mmm this is how I wanted to be welcomed home." She giggles in response, feeig like that love sick teenager again. "How was your day?  
"  
"It was fine. I looked into that sports centre volunteering their time to show the kids how to rock climb and stuff and even offered some training. How was yours?"

"It wasn't so great." She says ruefully, sighing.

"What's the matter?"

"Colin Walker." She says dryly. "I swear that man is making it a mission to get up everyone's nose."

"Yeah, he's a real....I don't even know what to call him."

"He isn't interested one single bit in helping these kids with their rehabilitation." She says angrily. "He wants them to be on some sort of marine training program with lots and lots of discipline."

"And that's only going to make them resent us even more when we have to enforce it."

"That's if we enforce it." She answers.  
Saul turns her around to look at him and she catches the way his lips quirk upwards in a faint smile.

"What are you up to?"

"I'm not up to anything, but I do know that no one on the staff is going to support this....maniac's proposal."

"We're doing good with the kids we have and you're right, he's just going to tear down any progress we've made with them." He answers in agreement. "Makes our job ten times harder."

"You were in prison, Saul. Was there any officers like him?"

"Like Walker?" He asks with a small laugh. "Oh yeah, they all seemed to be the bully boy type."

"What was the discipline like? and I'm sorry for bringing it up."

"It's okay." He squeezes her hand gently. "There were rules, lots of them and they were big on contraband. Stuff like, cigarettes and alcohol, medications that weren't prescribed. But they tried to crack down on the gangs too." 

"And did it work?"

"Hardly ever." He says sadly. "But most of them were in too deep to get out anyway. In prison, it's a strange place to be in. You're in a gang whether you like it or not, or even grouped together by the colour of your skin or religion."

"I just don't get why people think that prison is such an appealing place. I don't think I will ever understand it."

"Even being in there doesn't help you understand it." Saul answers with a frown. "But most of these kids are told of exciting tales and they believe it. These gangs operate on fear and control."

Ana nods in understanding and stubs out her cigarette. She is naturally angry by Colin Walker's attitude towards rehabilitation and at the same time can understand his reservations. She has seen it herself, having first time offenders return periodically until they are incarcerated in a mainstream prison and then it's a different story. She wonders how many grieving families have to go to court to see their son or daughter's killer be punished, for the killer to treat it like an award rather than a punishment. She can't imagine how that feels and she knows how it feels to lose a child.

"So, how did this meeting of proposals go?"

"It was going okay, everyone had their ideas on what we could do and it was great. Everyone was taking an interest." She answers as she goes to the counter and makes them both some tea.

"There's a but in there."

"Oh, there is." She adds with a deep sigh. "It was all going smooth until sergeant major discipline gave his side of things. He wants the place turned into the marine corps not a place where people can be rehabilitated." 

Saul sighs and shakes his head. Everyone at the facility had been putting everyhing they had into helping the youths they cared for and if Walker got his way it would mean that all the trust and hard work would all be for nothing.

"No one is crazy enough to agree with Walker." He says in reassurance and he really does believe it.

"I hope you're right."

***

Tempers had certainly been fraying since Colin Walker's arrival and like everyone else, Ana had to work alongside him even if she thought he was an arrogant ass. So far he had managed to upset almost everyone on the staff and had been suspected of causing two vicious fights between two of the gangs and people on the staff suspected he was running with stories and egging the rivals on until they battled. Ana could see how such violence would only prove his opinion right about the youths needing discipline and constructed structured reigimes which would stroke his ego and not help the young men in he facility. But the youths who were there to be rehabilitated quickly caught on to Walker's games and refused to act upon anything he said, except the odd one or two who were looking for trouble either way, but generally they were wary of him and avoided him at all costs.

It's a dull day with no hopeful glimmers of sunshine and being cooped up inside because of the drizzle of rain and the awaiting storm isn't doing anyone any good. First thing, Saul and Georgina had set up a crafts class where everyone could at least do something as opposed to going to stir crazy and looking for ways to relieve the boredom. They responded well to it and then went to lunch. 

Saul stands with his arms folded across his chest and studies the room and faces of the youths who are in the recreation room, all bored out of their minds and trying to keep themselves busy. He watches with interest as one of the higher ranking members of a gang studies the book shelf in the corner. Truthfully, there isn't a great selection of books there and Saul wonders if someone could take him to the library and once he's talked to the young man, he sighs when Walker comes stomping down the corridor in true military fashion like a wounded elephant. 

*****

Ana passes by the shared bathroom and heard a muffled groan and naturally she pushes open the door, unsure of what could be taking place inside but she has a duty to investigate. For some reason she looks down and notices the teardrop trail of blood and her adrenaline peaks, ready to radio for backup and a medic, but she reasons that it could be a simple nose bleed. The painful hiss of air being exhaled through clenched teeth makes her stomach tighten as she stares at the topless young man in front of her.

"Lee, are you okay?" She asks in a panic, her voice deep with concern."Lee?"

"I'm okay."

"You don't look okay. Let me take a look at you." She eases him around and gasps. "Who did this?"

The boy stays silent and attempts to shrug, but even the slightest of movements made him ache in places he didn't think could hurt like this. His face is a mass of brushing and bloody gashes, angry welts and burst skin. Whoever had done this had made sure they had inflicted pain. Ana notices that his eyes are swollen shut and shoe prints from vicious kick pepper his bruised body.

"I need you to tell me who did this to you."

"Don't matter." He answers, muffled by the blood that keeps collecting in his mouth. 

"Of course it matters. You are seriously hurt and you know it. Don't be a fool and cover for whoever did this. Who was it?"

Lee Bryson looks up at her through swollen and bruised eyes, realising he is missing a tooth or two as he spits out the blood into the sink. When Ana hears what happened, she is absolutely furious.


	17. Letting the cat out of the bag

The on-duty doctor wasn't stupid where Lee Bryson is concerned and tried several times to coax out the truth about what happened and who had attacked him. Ana stood by and let the doctor examine the injured boy and fought with herself as whether to reveal what Lee had told her. There was no proof that it was Walker and she needed that proof, but she also knew that Bryson wouldn't speak out against Walker because the beating he had just received would be a paper cut to what would be in store for him. Ana had watched the doctor patch up his patient and then escorted him back to his block where he was allowed to continue his light duties if he was in one of the programs. She had watched him return to his group of friends and pick up in a card game.

Ana plotted the rest of her shift away on how she would prove that Colin Walker was a thug in a uniform, hiding behind a cause so he could inflict whatever punishments he saw fit and she knew that one day she would bring him to his knees and when that happened, she was going to make sure everyone was watching.

****

Goosebumps pepper his skin as he sips his coffee, relieved and thankful that the coffee machine can be set automatically for a time to start brewing. It's one of those mornings where Saul wishes he could go back to bed and just stay there for a little while longer, maybe until the day starts to brigten or the chill mellows and he know that his day-dreams are exactly that, just dreams. He runs his fingers through his hair with a yawn as he thinks about Ana who is still asleep upstairs and the odd mood she had come home in the night before. Something was bothering her, but she wouldn't tell him and he could hardly force it out of her and even if he tried, she would kick his ass. He knew that she would talk to him when she was ready. Saul studies the picture on the fridge of Ana and Jesse together, Tim having been torn out of it in a moment of hate when he abandoned his wife and blamed her. He wonders what Tim would think of their relationship now that Ana had quite literally taken her son's killer to bed and Saul shudders at the thought.

Deep down he knows that their relationship is wrong on so many levels, but they don't have anyone else except each other and they both know they need to stick together regardless. 

Behind him, he hears a shuffling of slippers as Ana tightens her robe around her waist and grabs a cup for coffee and he can tell that whatever was on her mind last night is still plaguing her.

"Morning."  
"Oh." She says a little dazed by his greeting."Good morning."

"Are you okay? You don't look so good."

"I'm probably coming down with something, one of those viruses that is going around." She explains and it certainly is rational and possible, but Saul doesn't believe it. "It's about time I caught something that everyone else has."

"Maybe you should call in sick or something and get some rest."

"No." She argues quickly. "I've got alot to do and it isn't fair to expect someone to do their job and mine. I'll be fine once I've had some coffee, took an aspirin and got today almost over with."

He nods quietly and he knows she is keeping something from him, but what it is he has no idea and hopes that whatever it is doesn't have her like this for long, uptight and anxious  
.  
"Sure, I'll make some oatmeal." He says and gets to work on preparing their breakfast.

 

Plans of revenge had never entered her mind once when Ana sat in on the trial of Saul, nor did she have those thoughts when he was sentenced to death and then when she stopped his execution. Now, those thoughts are running freely in her mind and they are against Colin Walker. She hates him for what he had done and his lack of care and compassion, but she knows that people like him very rarely, if ever change for the better, so she makes the decision to stay out of his way and to enjoy the violent thoughts she has against him. At least she is keeping them to herself and not confronting him which could do more damage. 

 

Today's creativity class had been painting and surprisingly, almost every boy from the block had shown some kind of interest in the activity which impressed the guards, admin and even the volunteering assistant who was trying to teach them the basics. Some of the canvases were graffiti art and others were funny caricatures and portraits of each other, some of then of the guards and it really seemed to raise everyone's spirits. So far, the activity had been an enormous success and Ana took the bow of pride as she laughed as one of the boy's portraits of the cooking staff in the kitchen, their bodies unproportioned in reality with some of their favourite sayings written. underneath. Even the Warden was impressed when he saw his, dressed in a frilly frock with matching socks and a bonnet and the main thing was that he took it in good fun and this made Colin Walker scowl even more.

Ana is gathering up bottles of the nontoxic paint cleaner from the cleaning cupboard when she turns around and walks straight into someone and drops the bottles.

"I'm so sorry!"

"Don't worry about it, sweet cheeks." Walker says with a grin as he helps her pick up the bottles."We have quite he bunch of comedians in there."

"I'm afraid we do and people would pay thousands for their work."

Ana puts the bottles in the cardboard box and turns back into the cupboard to find some containers and old rags to do the cleaning up, but she is uncomfortable by her newest colleague watching her and it's even worse when he gives her that sickly smile.

"You know that these activities and classes are a waste of time."

"I have to disagree with you on that." She answers, busy with her task and wanting to avoid him as much as she can.

"Sure, some of what they were doing was reasonably good, but allowing them to poke fun at us isn't a punishment."

"It's self-expression through art." Ana replies. "Some of if was very good and it let them blow off a little steam, some harmless fun."

"Was it harmless fun that led them here or are they going to be mollycoddled even more than what they are already are?"

"Excuse me?" She turns briefly to look at him as she starts to fill the box with things she needs. 

"These kids are going to leave her with some big ideas that they're going to make it on the outside, away from what put them here in the first place. But that won't last long cause they will be back eventually."

"You could have a little faith in them." She says dryly. "Everyone needs someone to believe in them."

"We both know they're all beyond help and that's why they're here. They broke the law and need to face the consequences, simple."

"It's not as simple as that." She argues. "There's a lot of unknown factors in a lot of these cases and yes, a lot of what we see is gang related but that's our job to help and to try and help them see sense."

Walker flashes her another sickly smile and leans against the door of the supply cupboard, almost trapping her in and the smell of some light body odour and aftershave uncomfortably sticks in her nose.

"Maybe you're right." He agrees in a much softer tone and then suggests they have dinner. "I know a great European place that makes the best food in this city."

"Sorry, but I'm not really interested."

"Oh come on, Ana. It's one dinner." He counters with that sick smile. "It's not like you've got anything better to do anyway."

Naturally, anger flushes in her face and she doesn't care whether she has everything she's been looking for because she needs to get out of there and pretty quickly at that.

"I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to turn down that offer."

"Are you at least going to give me a reason?" He asks, blocking her path and he is so intent on an answer it actually scares her.

"I'm in a relationship, but thank you."

"With who?" Walker's eyebrows knit together in confusion. 

"That really isn't any of your business, now I'm sorry but I have work to do."

Walker grits his teeth as his temper starts to simmer as he watches her walk away and he can't imagine who would take on such an opinionated woman with so much baggage to a personal tragedy. He decides to do some digging of his own and when he finds what he's looking for, he grins like the cat who has got the cream and he is going to make Ana Nicol pay for rejecting him. No one ever rejects him.

*****

Both Ana and Saul are surprised to see Walker talking to the group of young inmates collectively as a group and they hold back behind the iron sliding door to watch, to see whatever he is up to since he is actually engaging with them for a change. Normally they wouldn't walk into the block together, but their overlapping shifts and the verbal handover of the daily events is a must, instead of it all being written down in a book and misinterpreted by another guard. 

They watch silently as Walker marches the length of floor in front of the people he is responsible for.

"Every single one of you is here for a reason and that reason is to be punished for your crimes, but you already know that." He begins with his hands clasped behind his back."And we all know that there is no chance of any of you being rehabilitated into becoming upstanding members of society and good citizens who respect and abide by the law because you're all too far gone for that. But what I'm curious about is how you all feel about being guarded by someone who has themselves broken the law, committed an unspeakable crime. How would you feel?"

Walker is met with silence and Ana feels her stomach churning. She can't work out how Walker knew about Saul and she makes eye contact with the man, the man who she had rejected and she knows that this is a way of paying her back for humiliating him. Still, the room is silent as the guards share curious looks and the young men whisper amongst themselves.

"If I was to tell you that one guard who is here to help you committed the crime of murder, how would you feel?" Walker continues and adds."That this guard murdered a child. That this guard was rescued by the victim's mother and is in a relationship, the two of them together after what this guard did to a helpless child."

"Who is it?" One kid yells out from the group.

"Mr Gregor murdered Mrs Nicol's son and now they are in a relationship." Walker turns with a grin. "Is that what you call justice?"


	18. Conflicted.

Looks of shared outrage and disgust register on the faces of the young men and suddenly they are yelling their opinions, all talking over each other to be heard and Walker stands with a very satisfied smile at the chaos he has created. Ana feels her legs start to give way and the journey to the Warden's office is a complete blur, her hands shaking in her lap as Saul tries to coax her gently from whatever bubble she had put herself in. He is just as shocked and disgusted at Walker's announcement as Ana is and he knows that his career at the facility is over. Ana is staring straight ahead at the wall, lost in her own bubble of thoughts as she anxiously rubs her hands together and suddenly, she snaps out of it and looks at Saul.

"He told them."

"I know." He answers in agreement, his tone soft and full of sympathy and apology.

"He told them about Jesse. He told them about you and the accident."

"I know." He says again and squeezes her hand. "But they're not going to see it as an accident, Ana."

"But it was!"

"Not to them it isn't." He says sadly, wishing he could have avoided the whole situation.

"Do you have any idea why Colin would announce this?" The Warden asks as he hands Ana a tumbler with a little brandy in the bottom. "It's good for shock."

"I have no idea." Saul answers with a frown.

"I do." Ana says angrily, a fire igniting within her. "Walker came onto me earlier and asked me out and I rejected him. He obviously thought it was a good way to get back at me by telling everyone about us, about me and Saul."

"Jesus." The Warden exclaims and rubs his face. "How did he find that out?"

"I don't know." She admits quietly."We've always been discreet and anyway, it's none of his or anyone else's business."

Suddenly out of nowhere, an alarm starts to sound and the caged light in the corridors flash red and the three of the knows what this means. Someone in the facility has pressed the panic alarm and the rush of running feet sounds outside the office as the Warden checks the computer that monitors everything by the filing cabinet. 

"It's your block." He says with a sigh."I'm going to find out what's going on and I want you two to stay here."

They watch as the Warden leaves and they are left them two selves, stuck in an awkward silence.

"I can't believe that asshole!" Ana hisses angrily. "He told everyone because I rejected him. I didn't realise I was still in high school. This is all one big mess!"

Saul watches her as she buries her face in her hands and guilt quickly replaces the anger he has felt bubbling beneath the surface. He understands how Colin Walker must feel by being rejected, but telling everyone the extent of their relationship had broken a trust between the guards and subconciously, everyone would think that Walker is capable of divulging personal information to inmates if they dared to disagree with him.

"This can be fixed." He answers.  
"How?"

"I don't know." He admits quietly. "But we'll figure something out and this will all blow over."

"I only told him I was in a relationship with someone. I didn't say with who."

"You didn't do anything wrong." He adds. "This isn't your fault,Ana. The guy just doesn't like taking no for an answer."

"And that's no excuse for what he just did out there. Any confidences or relationships we've built with the boys has gone up in smoke. How can we get that back?"

"I wish I knew." Saul admits and sighs, looking up when the Warden reenters the office.

"Walker has been suspended for sharing confidential information." He says. "And the inmates are rioting, so everyone is suiting up."

"We better get ready." Saul says and stands up.

"I'm not letting you two anywhere near the block. Especially you Saul." The older man verbally stamps his authority. "You are one of the issues as to why they are rioting and it would be stupid and irresponsible to allow you anywhere near it. Same goes to you, Ana. I need you two safe."

"This is bullshit!" Saul argues and he feels like a child that has been reprimanded. "We can talk to them and explain."

"Not today, not now." The Warden argues. "I cant guarantee your safety out there and I'm not putting you or allowing you to put yourselves in the firing line and that's final." 

 

The revelation of Saul and Ana's relationship had spread like wildfire through the facility and it had taken four and a half hours for the guards to regain control of D-Block. Several of the troublemakers who had started the riot were put straight into isolation and their offences would be brought up in front of a panel to judge whether extra time would be added onto their original sentences. But the news of Colin Walker's suspension also circulated twice as quick for breaking confidentiality and insighting the riot by breaking confidences and as he left the facility, he curses Ana Nicol and Saul Gregor.

***

Within a few days, things had remarkably quietened down at the facility and the overworked and exhausted guards felt much better when they were told relief guards for D-Block were being drafted in,but unknown to them was the fact that they were all an investigation as to who told Colin Walker about Saul and Ana's relationship. Eventually they returned to work and the source of information was found, and everything went back to a relative normality. However, some of the guards barely acknowledged Ana or Saul and mumbled a greeting in the passing, and most of them talked in hushed whispers and gave them funny looks wherever they went and it was quickly starting to get to Ana. 

She throws her handbag onto the sofa and flops down with a sigh, angry at the way she is being made to feel by her colleagues and she feels like she is suffocating at work in the atmosphere. With a sigh, she picks up the stack of mail that Saul had left on the coffee table and goes through it, growing more and more irritable with the amount of junk mail that had been posted through her door. She gets up and wanders into the kitchen, opening the fridge to see it almost empty and she groans in frustration because she was meant to grab some shopping on the way home. She had simply forgot all about it and feels tears stinging her eyes, wiping them away quickly to sort out a list of what they need.

 

A distracted Ana pushes the cart around the store that is half full with shopping, her eyes scanning the several rows of cereal and suddenly she jolts forward as the cart crashes into another customer's

"I'm so sorry!" She says genuinely and looks up to see a colleague from the facility standing there. "Ted, how are you?"

"I'm not too bad considering I almost got run over."

"I'm so sorry." She says again, noticing the twinkle of humour in his blue eyes. "I was so distracted I didn't even see you."

"Don't worry about it."

She can't help but frown at Ted as he avoids humour, a normal in his conversations and he looks almost reserved as if he has something to say but won't say it. She assumes he is having problems again with his teenage daughter.

"I really am sorry. Are you working today?"

"No, I'm off until Friday and then nightshift." He answers, a little drier than usual and less bubbly.

"That's good. How has the place been?"

"Oh, much the same." He replies."We are short staffed with Colin being suspended."

"He deserves to be suspended after what he did."

"I disagree." Ted counters.

Ana's expression is a mixture of shock and hurt as she stares at one of her oldest colleague's and friends, unable to believe that he is disagreeing with her.

"Come on, Ana. We both know you and Saul never would have worked and it was stupid to get yourself involved with a guy like that, especially after what he did."

"It was an accident. He did his time." She points out.

"And how many times have we heard that? The kids we look after say it all the time and you never believed it then, so why believe it now? He is a killer."

"It was an accident, Ted. I know him and I know he isn't capable of doing that to deliberately hurt anyone." She continues.

"Isn't that what they all say? It was an accident. Ana, you have to understand that this guy isn't good for you. Being with him isn't going to bring back your son and I think it's pretty weird shacking up with his killer."

"Saul is not a killer!" She snaps viciously in retaliation. "It was an accident and he is sorry for what happened and I believe him."

"You're a fool, Ana. We both know that people like him are only ever sorry when it suits them, like in court or waiting to be sentenced. People like him don't change."

"Don't stand there and tell me who and what he is because you don't even know him,Ted. Saul is an amazingly sweet man." She tells him."And I care about him."

"You need help and you won't accept it. Whatever happens, you have to remember he killed your son." 

Seething, she watches him as he walks away shaking his head and his hurtful summary of the situation pains her as she tries to compose herself enough to finish shopping.   
She makes a promise to herself that she is going to end the speculative rumours once and for all, as soon as she gets back to work.

**

If looks could kill, she would be dead a thousand times over. Ana tries not to react at the whispered comments and dirt looks, but by the end of her shift she is feeling battered and bruised. Some of her colleagues shared the same opinion of the boys they care for and twice in one day Ana had walked into the staff room to see dirty looks and hushed whispers, nudges and small shakes of the head. By the end of her shift, Ana was truly upset and it was Gloria who stepped in as a true friend.

"They don't understand, Ana." Gloria says as she sips her drink. "That's why they're being so hostile."

"They don't need to understand anything because it's none of their business. This is all down to Walker."

"You're right, but what they don't understand is how you can forgive." The older woman explains. "They can't understand why anyone would want to forgive anyone who committed such a crime, even though it was an accident. But not everyone sees it as an accident, Ana."

"I know."

"Not everything looks how you say it is." She explains and puts down her empty glass. "Not everyone will feel the same as you do."

Ana sighs and waves to the barman to bring them some more drinks and she considers what Gloria has said carefully. She understands, but she doesn't want to accept everyone else's opinion on her relationship and her life. She doesn't need anyone dictating what she can and can't do, what she should and shouldn't do.She just doesn't need or want it.

The official looking envelope sits flat on the kitchen table next to a half consumed cup of coffee and cold, uneaten toast. Breakfast is long forgotten and worry grows like a seed in his mind, all different scenarios and versions of what the letter contains swirling through his mind. He stares at the letter as if he is willing the envelope to open and whatever it entails will ease or continue to worry him. Saul licks his lips and sighs as he picks up the letter, the sound of ripping paper filling his ears as he reads the official stamped letter.


	19. Conversations That Rock  the boat

The Warden's expression is grim as Saul is welcomed into his office and told to take a seat, and he does and he knows something is going on. Saul knows the signs of what someone looks like when they are bent over a barrel and the Warden looks troubled.  
Saul hadn't told Ana about the letter to meet with the Warden and he knows he probably should have, but he didn't want to worry her anymore after what had already taken place. Even arriving and facing the whispers and dirty looks of disgust had made Saul feel physically sick and he was relieved that none of the prisoners saw him.

"How are you, Saul?" The Warden asks in a friendly tone.

"I've been better. What's all this about?"

"I'll get to that in a second." The older man answers. "Right now I want to know how you and Ana are doing."

Saul shrugs and bites at the skin around the edge of his thumbnail. 

 

They've both been better, a hell of a lot better and he tells his senior officer this and the old man isn't surprised after what Walker had divulged and what had transpired after it. It seemed that all hell had broken lose after Walker's confession.

"Saul, the reason I called you in here is because we need to have a very serious conversation."

"About?" Saul asks, his chin resting on his closed fist.

"About what Colin Walker told the boys and how they reacted to the news. I need you to understand the seriousness of what's happened here and how I can't afford for to allow the trouble to happen again."

"I understand." Saul says."Is that all you wanted to say, Warden?"

"No, it isn't. I'm afraid I don't have any alternatives on how to extinguish this mess. It hasn't been an easy decision to me and believe me, I talked myself out of it more times than I care to admit."

"Talk yourself out of what?" The younger man probes.

"I hate having to do this, but I can't allow you to be here at the facility. I can't have you working here when....this situation is a reason for the people I am charged with to riot."

Saul's mouth falls open, his eyes wide and his palms are suddenly sweaty as he looks at the older man in bewilderment. He isn't sure if he has heard correctly or is day dreaming then whole conversation and will come to in the reception area.

"What?"

"I'm sorry, but I can't have you here." The Warden says regretfully. "I cant risk having more trouble-"

"This is bullshit!"

"I know you're upset, but I have no choice." The older man explains. "I have the safety of the other officers and youths to consider. I can't have your past insighting a riot."

"So, I'm fired?"

"I'm afraid so." He answers with a frown. "Of course you will be provided with an excellent reference."

"What's the point when the same thing is going to happen again and again? To go from job to job until someone finds out my dirty little secret. What's going to happen when anyone asks why I was fired from here?"

"Not everyone is as narrow-minded as you think, Saul." The Warden states. "I will do what I can, where I can. But I can't make any promises. I'm very sorry."

"And what about Ana?"

The older man sighs and admires Saul's concern for his lover and he really doesn't know how he can explain the next part of what he has to say.

"You have to understand that many people view Ana as the victim. I can't change their minds and great sympathy has been expressed."

"So everyone's thinking that I somehow managed to lure her into bed, brainwash her?" Saul asks and the Warden nods. "So, now what do I do? What about Walker? He made this mess!"

"Colin Walker has been transferred to a maximum security facility elsewhere and I don't know how to advise you."

"Wait, so Walker tells everyone confidential information and starts a riot and he has his job." Saul states angrily, enraged by what's happened."And I'm being fired, how is that fair?"

"I never said it was fair. I agree with you, but Walker's career route wasn't mine to meddle in. I'm sorry."

 

The grass is damp from a shower of rain that had fallen earlier in a mist that could barely be seen by the human eye. Commuters walk by him in a varying range of rainwear and he feels like he is stuck on pause while the world around him is on fast forward. The anger is now simmering and now grief overwhelms him, smothering him as he studies the individual blades of grass. Saul is crushed, completely devastated at the turn of events and he doesn't know how he is going to tell Ana. She is going to blame herself and he knows it and he won't let her and the more he tries to think of ways to break the news, the more he doesn't want to. A cool dampness kisses his skin and he looks upwards to see grey clouds blocking out the sun and it reminds him of a time when he was a kid, riding his bike until the tyres went bald and his dad told him that he wasn't replacing them, the bike a final gift from his mother. He still remembers that day when he watched his father sell the bike to someone in the neighbourhood and it broke his heart because it was more sentimental value than anything. Saul doesn't know why he is remembering this and the events of the day is weighing heavy on his mind, even once he is back at the house and he knows what he has to do.

 

*****

The wine is a refreshing change from the overly brewed coffee at work and the delightful lunch at the Tapas restaurant won over sandwiches and potato chips any day, and what made the outing better is that it is absolutely miserable outside. Ana sets down her glass and sighs happily, content with a full stomach and the company is also an added bonus. Gloria had called the night before and demanded that Ana used her day off constructively and she finally agreed after alot of persuasion. So far they had window shopped in the expensive designer outlets and laughed like school girls as they tried on clothes that they didn't feel that flattered them, giggling that most of the stock looked like curtains from the fifties. They had then moved on to other stores and made some purchased, really treating themselves before finding somewhere to have a coffee and then the shopping spree resumed and then they sought out somewhere for lunch. 

Ana and Gloria had been sitting a table for the last two hours and because the restaurant was quiet, the staff didn't mind and it only encouraged them to enjoy their girly day even more.

"Why did I let you talk me into this?" Ana asks and shakes her head as the barman sets down another pitcher of sangria. "You're one seriously bad influence."

"Oh, you have no idea. We need to make the most of it before we go back to work and back to the grind."

"That's true." The younger woman laughs. "And I have a feeling I am going to have one serious headache tomorrow, which is all your fault."

"No one made you drink."

Both women erupt in laughter and pour the delicious drink into their glasses, ordering some little nibbles to soak up the alcohol and Gloria grins in satisfaction once the pitcher is empty and another is brought over. Both of them are on their way to being very drunk.

"I propose a toast!" Gloria says as she raises her glass. "To life"

"To life!"

Their glasses clink together and the restaurant starts to get busier with the dinner rush, the waiters rushing around to serve the diners quickly. After agreeing that they should really get going, they decide to go to Gloria's for a night cap and the two women begin talking over a stiff brandy.

"You know, after what happened I never thought I would ever feel happy again." Ana says, maudlin. "All at once I lost Jesse and Tim, all in the blink of an eye. But I do feel happy and I'm glad."

"Everyone deserves to be happy and you two are quite the couple, dear."

"Sometimes I ask myself if I made the wrong decision to get involved with Saul." She confesses. "What do you think?". 

"Ana, do you love him?"

"Yes, of course." Ana answers.

"Then there's your answer. Love isn't something that is neat and tidy because it can be messy and complicated. But as long as you know how you feel then it's worth holding onto."

"I just wonder sometimes what it would have been like if I never went to the store that day." She says quietly. "And I don't blame Saul, not now."

"It's easy to look back in hindsight and wonder what if. Everyone does it and it doesn't do anything to help you because it just makes you sadder."

Ana nods in agreement and finishes the dribble of brandy that is in her glass, Gloria instantly refilling it.

"Are you trying to get me drunk?"

"Of course not, dear." Gloria mirrors Ana's laugh. "I'm just making sure that we're both going to sleep tonight since we are off tomorrow. We may as well make the most of it."

"You're a terrible influence."

"You haven't told me anything I haven't heard before." The older woman adds. "If I'm going to enjoy myself, I'm doing it with style."

 

***

The sun is too bright and it feels like she has concrete blocks attached to her limbs as she unsteadily goes down the street. Last night she had gone back to Gloria's for a night cap and that's all she can seem to remember, but every so often a blurred memory makes her remember briefly how drunk she was. Queasy and feeling tired, Ana wishes she hasn't agreed to the opening of a bottle of wine after the brandy and she couldn't help herself but laugh when she woke up to see an even sicker Gloria nursing a cup of water and some aspirin. Ana had laughed at the sorry state she was in and decided to also have some pain relief for the headache and some water for her parched mouth. Eventually they had both started laughing at how exhausted and hungover they looked, making a joint promise not to overdo the brandy again next time.

Even the simple smells of the street is turning Ana's stomach and she clutches her stomach when a boy and a soaking wet dog pass her, the smell going straight up her nose and hitting her empty stomach. She keeps on walking and is relieved when her little house is in sight, sure that at some point during their girly day she had run a marathon and her body is paying for it. It had, however had been a great day out and it felt good to contect with someone and Ana had told her drinking partner that she had always thought of Gloria as a mother figure and this brought tears to the old lady's eyes, happy to hear such a lovely thing.

Ana unlocks the door and rubs her tired eyes as she pulls off her coat, falling into the comfortable sofa and she looks around, a little confused at why Saul hasn't greeted her yet since he isn't working today either. She shrugs it off and makes a mental list of what to do in preperaion for their romantic dinner and she won't be doing it until she is at least feeling a little bit better.

 

Car headlights shine through the window and Ana squirms as she tries to cover her face, suddenly aware that it is much later than she had expected. She can't even remember falling asleep and sits up, feeling less hungover than she did earlier. The entire house is quiet and it rouses a feeling of concern as she goes upstairs. Their bed looks as if it hasn't been slept in and for some reason, something makes her check the closet and all of Saul's clothing is gone. Ana races downstairs and searches for a note or a letter of some kind, knowing that he wouldn't just take off without telling her and she finds the note on the fridge. Her heart stalls as she opens the envelope and starts to read, the sicky feeling returning. She starts to read it.

 

Dear Ana,

I'm sorry that it had to be this way, but I didn't know what else to do. As you can see, I've gone. Things were never going to work out how we wanted them to and it wasn't fair to have you hurt all because of me. I was stupid to think we could actually work and cause everyone knows at work, I don't have a job and I'm sorry for laying crap at your door.

Ana, you're the kindest and sweetest person I've ever met and you gave me all the chances a man could wish for, and I don't know how to repay you for that, but I want to say thanks. I've left because I cant put you through the shit storm at work or anymore and I know you wish Jesse was here, and I do. I'm so sorry for everything and I've done a lot of stupid things, but that day I made it worse. Pop was right, should have let them do it and I wish you had.

One day you're going to meet an amazing guy who won't ever hurt you or let you down, he's going to do a lot better than I ever could and I just want you to know I want you to be happy.

Forever, Saul.

 

Ana reads the letter a second and third time, emotion swelling inside of her at the realisation of the letter and what it means. Saul is gone, the one man that she has been able to love is gone. Putting the letter on the table, she grabs the phone and calks Gloria.

"I need your help. Saul's gone."


	20. Muddy Waters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where has Saul gone?

Her blood boils as she marches through the corridors with purpose, ignoring the greetings of colleagues as she barges into the Warden's office and all of the directors physically jump and stare at the mad woman who has interrupted their monthly meeting.

"I need to talk to you. Now." Ana spits and glares back at the suits in front of her.

"Ana, please." The Warden says gently, apologetically and tries to usher her into the reception area. "Give me an hour and I'll be right with you. This is a very important meeting-".

"I'm not leaving until you tell me what the hell is going on here." She demands angrily. "You fired Saul and I want to know why."

"Ana, you really need to calm down." The Warden answers.

"Calm down? I'm furious and I want answers." She answers heatedly.

"Alright, give me two minutes and I'll explain everything."

Ana turns around and waits in the abandoned reception area, her arms folded tightly against her chest in stubbornness and she reasons that giving him two minutes to make an excuse from his meeting is more generous than she feels like being. Eventually, the older man comes out and offers her a seat, but she tells him that she would rather stand because she doesn't plan on being there long. 

She wants answers and she wants them now.

"Ana-"

"Don't." She snaps. "I don't need patronising or the crap, so just go ahead and tell me why you fired a good officer."

"Ana, you have to understand that Saul's history has knocked the balance we have all been fighting for with the boys and Saul continuing to be here would only make things worse."

"For who, exactly?" She demands."Who would this exactly make things worse for?"

"The facility, but mainly the boys. It has already caused problems and I don't want anymore of them. We've already had a riot."

"This has nothing to do with the boys." She says quickly. "This is so you don't have to deal with it."

"Don't be naïve, Ana. We both know they would burn this place down and everyone could get seriously hurt. Including your colleagues."

"You could have organised a transfer." She continues to argue, her voice getting louder. "But you didn't."

"Transferring Saul wasn't an option because no matter where he went, the inmates would always find out and would make his life a living hell."

"And I'm supposed go accept this as an act of kindness?" She snaps, even more furious than before.

"I would have thought you would have been a little more grateful that I assisted in this situation and spared you both any real harm."

"You firing Saul has caused plenty of harm." She answers dryly. "He's gone. He left a note, walked out and isn't coming back. Is that what you call sparing us of any harm?"

The Warden's expression is stony, unreadable as he sighs and looks at his colleague and she stares back at him with contempt. She no longer respects him, his opinions or authority.

"Ana, with everything you've been through, maybe what's happened is for the best and I know it doesn't seem like it now -"

"I'm not a child and I don't need patronising." She hisses, furiously with his attitude. "Because of you I lost someone who I love, someone I want to spend the rest of my life with and it's gone because of you."

"You came be seriously blaming me."

"I don't see anyone else standing here to blame." Ana remarks.

"Ana, I had no other choice and if you can't see that, then you aren't the person I thought you were. Didn't you realise this....this arrangement with Saul was only going to lead to trouble?"

She glares at him, hurt that he is saying all this and she wonders If he had been thinking this all along, even when he voiced support. Angry and troubled by his words, she turns around and stops as she gets to the door.

"I thought you were a friend."

"I am your friend, Ana." He says gently, sympathetically. "I always have been."

"Then you should have acted like one."

Outside, she breathes in several gulps of the air and the chill moves deeper inside of her as she checks her cell, no missed calls and no messages.

 

Her eyes are heavy as she parks in the driveway and switches off the ignition and sits there in silence to gather her thoughts. She doesn't know what she is going to do now, where to start in the search for Saul and she wonders what she is going to do if she can't find him, wondering what will happen. Right now she isn't even sure she has a job anymore and wonders what will become of her if she can't afford to pay the bills, whether she can afford to eat or simply live without dipping into her minimal savings and yet it doesn't seem important because all she needs and wants is Saul Gregor.

*****

The cold bites at his skin as he rubs his hands together, his gaze falling on the ever changing schedule board as buses spit out exhaust in rumbling gasps. He cups his hands together and blows into them to shift the stiffness that is settling in his body. His stomach rumbles and yet he doesn't dare get up to buy anything from the small shop, too busy trying to figure out where he can go and what he's going to do when he gets there. All his worldly possessions are in bags at his feet, his entire life put into three bags depresses him as he thinks about Ana.

Conflicted, he sighs and looks around the very old bus station and remembers how the place used to look when he was a kid, the complete opposite of how it is now and it saddens him to see the rot set in. That's how he looks at the differences from the present to his former existence before prison, everything having rotted and decayed with time. A bus wheezes to life across the depot and stops at the stance he is sitting at and he is surprised when the driver speaks to him.

"Where you heading?" The driver asks.

***

The insistent loud knocking and the irritating jingle of the doorbell pulls Ana from unconsciousness and into the real world, her hair messy and the clothes from yesterday creased as she staggers to the door and quickly moves aside as her friend comes into her home.

"What time is it?" Ana asks, groggy from lack of sleep and then exhaustion had took over and made her sleep.

"It's one-thirty. Have you heard anything?"

"Nothing." The younger woman shakes her head. "Not a single phone call or a text. Nothing. I just want him to let me know he is safe."

"He will once he's ready, dear."

"It's been three weeks, Gloria." Ana complains. "Three weeks and not a single word from him and for all we know he could be dead and we would never know."

"Have you reported him as a missing person?"

Ana sighs and nods, going into great detail how Saul wasn't considered a missing person because he had taken his belongings with him and he wasn't vulnerable or in any danger, so the police had no jurisdiction to open a new missing persons case and Ana had been sickened by the attitude of the local precinct. She tells Gloria everything, how she even tried calling Saul's father who would turn him away even if he was dying or on fire and she reasoned that Saul wouldn't go to the old man who had abandoned him. While Ana updated her friend, Gloria had made some tea and made Ana breakfast and pretty much forced her to eat every single bite, ignoring the protests.

"Does he have friends or family anywhere else?" The older woman muses.

"He has no one. He's always been here and his dad is the only one he has left, no life long friends to stay with."

"He could still be in the area." She suggests. "Lot's of little places where he could hide away in."

"You're right, maybe he is still in the area and I should make posters and put them everywhere. If the police aren't going to help, I'll do what I can to find him."

"And I'm going to help." Gloria says quickly. "Give me an hour and I'll go to the stationary store and get us some supplies, you find a good picture."

And with that the older woman is gone, leaving Ana to go through the very few pictures she has of Saul and as she sits at the table in the kitchen, she looks over to see Jesse smiling at her from the picture on the fridge. It seems she can never stop thinking about her son or relating to him in some way, wondering how he would react to exams at school or the school proms, how he would react at having to hold a girl's hand and if he would get married and have kids. Tears sting her eyes and she wipes them away because punishing herself isn't going to bring him back. Ana knows that if she can't find Saul, she will always be alone.

***

Rain falls in thick icy cold sheets, the wind starting to howl and making strong trees sway as anyone who is outside dashes for cover. The news forecast had predicted stormy weather and that it would last for several days and hopefully it would disperse.


	21. The road Is Dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback would be awesome!

For a week solid it had rained. It had rained and rained and rained, the drains overflowing and the sidewalks slippery. There's a chill in the air and the few people who are out and about at eight-thirty at night are desperately trying to get home and out of the rain. But there are those who don't have the opportunity to get out of the rain, to sit in a cosy little living room on an expensive leather sofa. There are some who don't know when the next meal is coming or how they are going to survive another night on the street, especially in the harsh Winter months. There are people in society who aren't as lucky or as fortunate as others and Saul feels like a fraud for pitching up camp under the bridge, his body cramped as he tries to keep out the cold. His stomach rumbles with hunger and he struggles to remember the last time he had eaten. He has money hidden in his shoe, but doesn't want to blow it all in a few days. He would rather starve himself for days until he can't take the pain anymore and then he would use some of his limited funds. 

Saul pulls his jacket tighter around himself and tucks the waterproof sleeping bag up to his chin, his teeth chattering together. Muffled, drunken laughter from the other end of the bridge erupts in the gloomy silence and Saul can't remember the last time he laughed. He guesses it was one of the last times he was with Ana before everything went wrong. And it had gone wrong like a landslide. He tries not to think about Ana and the mess he made of her life and he loves her unconditionally, but he knows he couldn't be with her and cause her any more trouble. Saul wonders what she is doing now, whether she is at work or making a meal for one and the thought depresses him further because he knows he had left her, but he rationalises it was for the best. He knows it is for the best.

****

Several phone books lay open on the kitchen table next to a laptop with a screen on standby, several scrunched up pieces of paper scattered over the surface. Ana glares at the list of addresses and phone numbers of hostels and halfway houses that she had crossed out, having already tried them and failed to find anyone matching Saul's description. 

The phone rings and Ana's heart skips a beat as she answers, hopeful of some kind of good news since she handed out her number to anyone who would listen, including the various charities and hostels and shelters.

"I always knew you and him would end in tears."

"Tim, what a pleasant surprise." She says sarcastically and she wishes she had checked called I.D because she doesn't need him or his opinions."What do you want?"

"I called to see how you were doing. I heard that he had run off and left you."

"We're facing some problems." She answers dryly. "Not that it's any of your business."

"We both knew this would happen eventually, Ana. I just don't know how you could be with him after what he did."

"Don't start all this again because I'm not in the mood for you or your crap." Ana replies. "I'm hanging up now because I have more important things to so than argue with you, goodbye."

"Did you even love Jesse?"

The question catches her off guard and she glares at the wall, imagining her ex-husband standing there with a smug look on his face that turns her stomach and makes her blood boil.

"What?"

"I asked If you ever loved Jesse." Tim repeats himself more clearly this time and waits for an answer.

"How dare you! How dare-"

"How dare you, Ana." He snaps viciously. "How dare you shack up with the man that killed our boy. How can you live with yourself after what he did?"

"It was an accident. Saul never meant for anyone to get hurt. He was scared, he panicked."

"And how do you think Jesse felt when he was grabbed and pushed into the trunk?" He yells angrily. "How do you think Jesse felt to be dying, scared and alone while your....your....play thing ran off. How do you think any of it's fair when that murdering bastard is breathing and our son isn't?!"

Ana can't stop the tears that are spilling down her cheeks and she can't find her voice to tell Tim to stop, unable to put the phone down as he rants on and on at her.

"This is all your fault!"

"How...." Ana croaks, a sob stuck in her throat. "How is it my fault?"

"You let that animal take him. You should have fought harder to get him back and you didn't. You're just as responsible as him and you two deserve each other you stupid bitch."

"I tried to stop him." She counters, but her words fall on deaf ears.

"You didn't try hard enough, did you? Jesse is gone and it's because of you. Do you know what everyone is saying about you? Everyone is asking how you could fuck the man who killed your son. That's what they're asking and I don't know how you can live yourself, Ana. It should be you in that cemetery."

The line goes dead and Ana clutches the phone to her chest, her legs giving way as an agonising cry breaks the silence and she falls to her knees with a dull thud. Never had Tim spoke to her like that or blamed her for what happened and she didn't need it because she did it herself, but hearing someone else say it only reopens the partially healed wounds that she had nursed painfully and slowly. Tim was right, it was all her fault and she could have done more to protect Jesse. She had been scared, petrified of the gun that shook in the young man's hand and a clerk was already bleeding out, gasping for air as the flustered mab grabbed the first thing closest to him and that was Jesse.  
Ana remembers the scared look in both their eyes, remembering how Jesse had cried for her and she couldn't will herself to move. She had frozen like a statue and watched a stranger with a gun haul her son out of the door, still not moving even once they were gone. She has always hated herself for that moment and wishes that she had let Jesse stay in the car instead. He would have been safe if only she hasn't forced him into going shopping.

 

"What on earth's happened?" Gloria exclaims loudly as she tries to help Ana up from the floor, guessing she had been there a while just sobbing."Ana, talk to me. What's happened?"

Even once she is perched on the edge of the sofa, her vacant glassy eyes give nothing away as she stares into the distance. The older woman goes into the kitchen and returns with a warm washcloth and starts wiping Ana's face, trying to bring her out of the state she is in. She doesn't know what else to do other than shake her hard and yell in her face, so she does and Ana slowly returns to the present and out of the episode.

"It's my fault. All of it's my fault."

"What's your fault?" Gloria asks as she kneels down in front of the young woman. "Ana?"

"Jesse. Tim is right, it was my fault. I should have protected him and I didn't. I let him be taken and I didn't try hard enough to stop it."

"Ana, you know Tim is wrong. Tim is wrong about all of it and I know you did what you could without making things worse." The older woman coos.

"How could it be any worse? Jesse is dead. My son is dead and then I fell in love with his killer. What kind of person am I? What kind of mother am I?"

It takes everything in Gloria to stop herself from slapping Ana and the more she argues against it, the more she wants to do it. Never has she seen her younger friend and colleague lose control like this and it scares her, but she has to talk reason and sense into the upset woman.

"Ana, I need you to listen to me and I need you to listen hard." Gloria tells her, not waiting for a response. "You are not a bad mother and you certainly aren't a bad person, despite what that ex-husband of yours says. None of what happened is your fault and you need to stop blaming yourself. You did everything you could to protect Jesse and that's all that matters."

"I love his killer. I fell in love with Saul."

"And that's the difference between you and Tim, because you can forgive and no one can control who they love." The older woman explains rationally. "What Tim told you wasn't true and you need to believe it."

The younger woman looks up, licking her lips as she swallows down the tears that threatened to start all over again. She can't quite find the words she feels she needs to say as her hands anxiously knit together.

"I do love him." She says. "I never thought I could love anyone again and I did. I fell in love with Saul. After the accident, Tim started working more and after a few months I knew he had someone else, but I couldn't end it. I needed him."

"It's normal to feel like that. I don't know a single person who doesn't feel like that at one time in their lives. But Tim doesn't matter anymore, Saul does."

"You're right." Ana agrees. "Everything he said sounded like what I used to tell myself."

"And that's why you believed it more because someone else said it. But you need to start telling yourself it wasn't your fault and it's okay to love Saul."

"I do love him." She answers thoughtfully. "I've never loved anyone like this, not Tim or anyone before him. It's different."

"Then let's go find him and tell him how you feel. Come on, let's get going."

****

Her legs are stiff and feel heavy, the soles of her feet burning with every step that she takes and it feels like she's climbed a mountain ten times over and mentally she has. The throbbing is worse when she stops to talk to people who are passing by, showing them pictures and asking of they had seen him or if they knew where Saul might be and every negative response filled her with dread and disappointment. Ana decides to walk the back alleyways to talk to some of the homeless people, ask them about squats if there are any and if she had to go into every derelict building she would do it, regardless of the risks involved. She is past the stage of caring for her safety.

Gloria rubs her tired eyes as she hears the front door open and looks up to see an exhausted and soaked Ana standing in the kitchen doorway, looking as if she has had the stuffing knocked out of her

"Any luck?"

"None." Ana says with a sigh ans winces as she sits down at the table."Not a single thing.It's like he just vanished into thin air."

"Something will turn up I'm sure of it."

"The longer he's gone the less I'm sure of it." The exhausted woman says, yawning her head off. "I've tried everywhere I could think of, squats and abandoned buildings, alleyways and doorways and there's nothing. No one has seen him or at least noticed him."

"I think that's because he doesn't want to be found and he could in a motel under a false name."

"It happens all the time." Ana agrees.

"I'm pretty sure he is safe wherever he is."

"I hope so, Gloria. I really hope so." Ana says, hopeful.

***-

Saul's stomach rumbles uncontrollably as he pulls up the sleeping bag to his stubbled chin, his eyes heavy with tiredness and yet he is afraid to go to sleep under the bridge. Voices drift in the air and ghoulish cackles of the drunks and addicts fill his ears, sometimes moving closer and sometimes moving further away. He would prefer to have the space to himself and he would be stupid to try and discourage anyone else from setting up camp for the night. He doesn't trust them and that's why he's so tired, having to look over his shoulder every so often, just like he did in prison. Saul's body tenses suddenly as the drunk voices and laughter he heard earlier move towards him, hearing someone stumble and then more laughter as plastic bags and newspapers rustle together into a makeshift bed. After a few minutes, the men are settled down for the night and whispering quietly as they share the last of their cheap cider, guzzling it down before sleep takes hold. Saul hadn't realised he had been holding his breath and wonders if the drunks are even aware that he is there, trying to force his eyes closed for just a few minutes and he quickly drifts off.

A blood curling howl erupts in the darkness, jolting him violently awake from sleep as he looks around wildly for the source of the noise. In the shadows of dawn he watches silently as two of the drunks beat a third, raining punches and kicks on the defenceless man's head and once their anger is spent, they go through his pockets and take anything of value and move on. Saul stays quiet until he hears a muffled groan from the man under the cardboard and he wonders what the two men to lash out at the third and at the same time he doesn't want to know. Gathering up his things, he decides to move on too and considers going to one of the shelters where food is served and blankets are given out, the men and women who volunteer at the shelter generous with their charity, but he feels as if he doesn't deserve it and refuses to go as he pulls on the backpack and starts walking.


	22. Searching

The hairs on her arm rise as it sneaks out from underneath the duvet and clumsily grasps the ringing phone, her skin kissed by the cool air. Groggily Ana listens to the caller and sits upright quickly, screwing up her eyes and wincing as she snaps on the bedside lamp and glances at the time. It's six-thirty and she should still be asleep, but the caller has grabbed her attention.

"I saw the posters you put up all over." The old voice says politely, surprisingly not laced by the long term use of alcohol or drugs. "He's lucky to have a friend whose looking for him. Not everyone has people looking for them." 

"I'm so pleased you called....."

"The name's Frank, but everyone calls me Frankie." He responds. "And I've seen the guy around a few times. Nice guy, quiet and troubled."

"And is he okay? Is he hurt?"

"He's a little dirty, but most street people are. He isn't one of them who scrimps and saves to drink or get high." Frankie says. "He just wants to have a meal now and again, stay dry."

"So I'm assuming you know where he is?"

"Sure." The old, kind hearted voice agrees. "I can take you to him if you want, but that depends if he's moved on from the alleyway."

Something clicks in Ana's mind and she should be wary about meeting a complete stranger somewhere that she isn't familiar with, but common sense isn't coming into it as she continues to worry.

"I would be so grateful if you could take me, Frankie." She agrees warmly."I don't know how to tell you I appreciate your help."

"Don't you worry about it, sweetheart. Do you know the old cinema on Bank street?"

"That's the one that closed down after that fire a few years ago, right" She asks. "The one that's been declared unsafe?"

"That's the one. If you can meet me out there around nine-thirty and it's still quiet, most don't move on until later so we can hopefully find your friend." 

"I'll be there, thank you." She tells him and guarantees she will be there, and the wariness comes back at full throttle.

***  
For the last twenty-five years, the small businesses and apartments in Bank Street became empty when families were forced to move by the city to safer accommodation. Families complained to the housing association that mould grew on the interior walls and the floorboards were starting to rot with damp, the roof leaking and the boilers that rarely worked produced hardly any heat on a good day. What made the street worse was the families who tried to simply survive, some having only ever known their apartments as the one home they ever had. Even while families still lived there, the small shops like the grocers and bakers had all closed down due to demanding bills and the infestation of pests. Eventually, one by one everywhere closed down and the cinema that sat in the middle of the street stopped entertaining and closed it's doors in finality. A few years ago, the building that had been the cinema had been broken into and set in fire by bored kids and there was rumour to suggest it had been grown men who wanted to flush out the homeless people who were inhabitants of the derelict and abandoned buildings. 

The squats were never a nice place to venture into, mostly housing the mentally ill, men and women who were afflicted by their addictions and used wherever they could to stay dry and warm. It hadn't been the first time chaos had erupted inside the buildings, one person stealing off another out of pure need and want and while the world goes on, people barely notice.

Ana zips up her jacket and shoves her hands deep into her pockets, unsure of what she is getting herself into. She's early and hasn't seen a single sign of life since arriving, but she can feel eyes on her all the same. She glances around the trash covered street, looking up at the old boarded windows and graffiti covered doors and smashed windows, unable to imagine what it must be like to know this is your only and last chance. Ana is so disturbed by the look of the street she hasn't heard someone approaching and flinches involuntarily when a hand gently touches her shoulder.

"I'm sorry I scared you." The old man says apologetically, the same man who had called her earlier that morning.

"It's alright. I'm just a little on edge."

"I would be worried if you weren't." He flashes her a yellow grin and scratches his mop of greasy hair. "You can't be too careful around these parts, especially later in the day once everyone's woke up."

"I'm sorry.....I didn't realise...."

The old man's face is worn and lined with age, thick smears of dirt in the crevices of his skin as he looks at her thoughtfully in understanding.

"You didn't realise I was homeless too?"

"Yes." She admits, embarassed. "I'm sorry."

"I wouldn't worry about it if I were you. Finding your friend is more important right now, let's go."

Ana feels stupid and foolish for thinking that the man who had called her had been an upstanding citizen and she follows Frankie with a heavy heart, up the street and to the left.

"You won't find your friend near this street." He says as he slows his pace to wait for her. "Too many addicts who will rob and steal, too many trouble makers."

"It sounds like you know what you're talking about."

"I've been homeless for the last twenty years, lady." He chuckles."I used to move around the city until I got too old and settled down here. The place isn't the worst, but it's not good either."

"How have you managed to stay alive this long, Frankie?"

"I would do what I could to make an extra few dollars, something I could save up every few days and take maybe somewhere to get a hot meal." He explains. "But now most places won't let even me in and that's cause they want respectable customers."

"Being homeless doesn't make you unrespectable."

"Everyone got tarred by the same brush. Everyone was looking to get high or get drunk. All I was looking for was company." Frankie explains his story as they walk up and down more streets. "People got businesses to run and having a bunch of train wrecks camping outside your door doesn't exactly encourage people to come by."

"I guess it doesn't."

Derelict buildings stand on either side of the alleyway and the little narrow path is dark and menacing, too many crevices to hide for Ana's liking as she follows Frankie into a building. The sour smell of body odour and decay rises up to meet them as they step over the threshold, her feet damp from the puddles of water that had leaked through the ceiling from broken pipes. Something scuttles by her and she releases her grip on the kind stranger, attempting to regroup her shot nerves as the low murmurings of men and women grow louder in the lower part of the building. Her blood freezes in panic at what she will find in there, but finding Saul is far more important to her right now and she desperately needs to find him. She can see several shapes under mounds of layers and the smell keeps getting worse as they venture further and further in.

"Most of them are okay." Frankie says and she nods in reply, scared out of her wits. "This lot are the ones who move around a lot from place to place."

"And upstairs?"

Ana pauses as her foot connects with the first step and the wood groans with effort, a musty damp smell hitting her nose like a cloud of dust. She sucks in a breath as she moves onwards and upwards, stepping over discarded clothing and smashed bottles and empty cans of chilli and potatoes, feeling all the warmth drain out of her. Frankie tells her that the residents on the second level are the long stayers, the ones to ask questions and she approaches the most sober person she can find and Frankie introduces them. 

The man amongst the stained rags unzips the sleeping bag and she says a worn face beneath layers of filth, a greying beard that needs to be combed and washed. Hell, she thinks he needs a wash full stop and could be doing with a hot meal while he's at it.

"What do ya want?" The man growls out through rotten teeth. 

"I'm looking for my friend." 

Before Ana can say anything, Frankie butts in and announces the old guy as as Pete and she nods in reply.

"Whose ya friend?" Pete asks as he sits up, wiping sleep from his eyes.

Every movement in the room makes the stink of human decay fresher, wafting it right up Ana's nose and she does everything she can to stop herself gagging. The stench is horrible and when Pete pulls back the sleeping bag, she notices a damp patch on his trousers and he or anyone else doesn't seem to care.

"Saul. He has short dark hair and his left eye is damaged." She tells him and waits for a reply.

"Oh him. I seen him a couple times."

"Really?" She asks. "Where?"

The old man licks his dried lips and Ana starts to worry that she is going to be led on a wild goose chase with his so called information, but then she starts to wonder what would happen if she doubted it.

"Couple days ago." Pete answers."Saw him across the street from the Prentice Mission."

The Prentice mission is a homeless hostel where many men and women gather for the night with their belongings, given a little shelter from draped tarpaulin and warmth from fires set around the courtyard. Food is also served to those who are hungry and she questions why Saul would be simply standing across the road instead of going in. 

"Those guys are good and could tell you more than I could." The man yawns and stretches. "They'll know. They take everyone."

 

On the drive over to the Prentice mission, Frankie filled Ana in on the history of the shelter and how so many people didn't know about it because the people who lived in and out of there didn't want anyone to know. Frankie had admitted to using the mission himself when times were hard and the people who worked there managed to restore the little faith he had in humanity left and that wasn't much to start off with, but they offered somewhere a little safer than the streets and a meal and a little comfort where they could. But for some it was the only kindness they could be shown and some exploited it.

 

Ana and Frankie slowly walk through the clusters of homeless people that are sheltered underneath plastic sheeting stretched over them like a canopy. It's the best thatcsn be done to shield them from the elements and as Ana slowly goes by them, she studies their hardened faces and wonders what led them to their current fate. She can't help but feel sorry for them and her heart breaks when she notices a mother cradling a baby under layers of dirty blankets, trying to coax the child to drink the milk she had been given. Suddenly, she feels overwhelmed and disgusted that a child should be allowed to be raised in such appalling conditions and she is yet grateful for the life she had and for the life she had managed to give her son, although neither of those examples were perfect.

"A lot of them done like pity, so don't show it." Frankie whispers to her as they walk.

"There's so many."

"Everywhere has it's undesirables." He answers quickly. "But not everywhere has a place like this. All of them have a story to tell and too many of them are identical."

"And what's your story?"

The older man stops and rubs his stubbly chin as he glances around, looking very undecided as to whether he should tell her his story or to keep it to himself. He suggests they leave it for now and she reluctantly agrees when one of the aiders comes over and introduces herself as Donna Leishman.

"Can I help you?" The aider asks.

"Yes, I hope so. I'm looking for my friend and I wonder If you've seen him or if anyone knows where he might be."

"A picture would help, but then so many people pass in and out." Donna explains kindly and frowns. "But you just never know."

Ana hands over a picture of Saul and her stomach flips and drops as the woman studies it. She hopes that her prayers have been answered and her stomach drops quickly when Donna shakes her head.

"I'm sorry, but I don't recognise him. He might have been here once or twice and I'm sorry I can't say for sure."

"It's okay, thank you for talking to us." Ana answers quietly, saddened and feeling deflated. "If you see him could you give me a call?"

"Of course. Let me take a photocopy of the picture and I'll ask the other volunteers."

She nods as the aider takes the photograph and returns a few minutes later, wishing them well on their journey to find their missing friend and she wonders herself if there will ever be that happy reunion.

"Don't beat yourself up about it." Frankie says suddenly, breaking the silence. "There's more than one way to skin a cat. Just because you haven't found him yet doesn't mean you never will."

"I know and it scares me that he could be anywhere or anything could have happened to him and I would never know. It just doesn't seem fair."

"Life isn't fair." He says. "Killing yourself over it isn't worth it and besides he's a local kid, so he knows where he's going and where to be safe."

She knows deep down that he is right, that Saul would use his local knowledge to get somewhere safe if anything was to happen and she knows he can look after himself to a certain extent, and as quickly as the positive scenarios flood her mind, so does the negative. It's like a natural disaster that can't be stopped and it pushes her to search until she has found him.

***

Frankie had left her to her own devices when she argued that she was going to keep looking, disregarding the homeless man's advice and payed him kindly with a hot meal and a thick jacket from a thrift store. He had given her a look of pity when she told him she was going to keep searching and he would have offered to help, but she needed to make the next part of the journey on her own. He knew she would be filled with anger, sadness and disappointment when every possibility turned out to be a dead end and he knew that she would then become bitter and eventually she would give up. His last words of wisdom before they parted were harsh, a reality that she would have to face sooner or later and that harsh reality was that not everyone wants to be found and there's nothing she can do about it.

 

Ana peels off her soaked clothes and leaves them in a bundle at the front door, running upstairs to step into a hot shower to wash out the cold that has penetrated her bones and made them ache. It's past midnight and her stomach rumbles over the noise of the running water, but eating makes her feel queasy. Ana just wants to go to sleep and to wake up, feeling refreshed and to realise that Saul leaving had all been one bad dream and he would be next to her snoring. She misses it even though it irritated her and she misses the smell of his aftershave and shower gel mixed with his own scent, a smell that made her weak at the knees. Wrapped in only a towel, she sits on the edge of the bed and stifles a small unintelligible sob as she picks up the photograph of them together. She wishes he was here with her. She wishes he hasn't gone.


	23. Understanding, one step at a time

Ana groans loudly in frustration at the singing alarm clock, glaring fiercely and tiredly at the offending noise, wishing that she had gotten just a little more sleep. She had seen every hour pass during the night as she moved from one uncomfortable position to another and now didn't have a choice to get up or else she would be late for work, finally feeling like she could close her eyes for an eternity. Like every other night she had gone out searching for Saul and had finally gave in to her exhaustion when she fell asleep whilst driving and was thankful not to have caused some kind of accident. She is torn between trying to find him and giving up on him because it is torturing her physically and mentally, her breaking point ebbing closer as each wary day passes. Ana showers and dresses and checks her answering machine for any left messages, particularly in the hope that someone had seen Saul or was answering her missing persons appeal, but the machine's recordings are empty. Disheartened and upset, she goes off to work and isn't at all ready for what is about to happen. 

Ana walks into the recently refurbished day room with an air of authority and purpose and then turns to her class of social misfits who were engaging on a new program to help rehabilitate them. She is naturally nervous about taking the leading role and is apprehensive about the boy's reactions to the classes, especially since it's the program's first day of running and of course she can read the shared glances and snickers.

"Good morning." She greets them in an even, but friendly voice and they all reply in unison. "Okay, now before we begin this morning's session, do you all know why we are here?" 

"Because we're made to?" One kid answers and earns a few laughs.

"Besides that." She says, amused."Every one of you are here because we at the facility believe that with the right tools and guidance, you have what it takes to start afresh once you're released. You will be given options instead of single choices, to turn your backs once and for all on what put you here. Any questions so far?"

"How we going to do that?" The same kid as before asks, a kid called Marty.

"By learning life skills." She tells him and addresses the rest of the group."How many of you are expecting to achieve your high school diplomas or any kind of qualification?"

No one raises their hands.

"In this program, you are going to learn basic living skills like filling in applications for jobs and how to prepare for a new life on the outside." Ana explains with enthusiasm. "For example, Ricky if you wanted to be a computer programmer we would help you get the qualifications and experience an employer would want. We are going to help you learn and improve your skills so you can all achieve more for yourselves."

"What's the point?" A kid called Ernie shouts out. "We all learning it for nothing anyways. No one wants to give people like us a chance, no jobs or nothing."

Quickly, Ana feels like she is out of her depth and understands why the boys are so against the course and it's because the course and different classes won't make society change its mind about them. She understands how someone can leave the facility after a lot of hard work and is forced back into their former life, simply because no one will take a chance on a troubled kid. She understands that many people in society would rather employ hard working and decent citizens than boys who have already been in and out of juvenile prison.

She is about to surrender and give up when Richard Matthews raises his hand and she gives him a curt nod to begin, wanting the discussion to be over.

"Is Mr Gregor going to be coming back?"

"I'm...." She begins and falters. "I'm sorry, but no he won't be returning to the facility."

"He was a good guy."

The comment earns Richard a few raised eyebrows and he stands up to continue, which takes Ana aback slightly.

"Mr Gregor was a good guy and we all know it." He says directly to the other boys. "We all liked him, could talk to him and he helped alot of us start talking to our families again. He helped us do that."

"What's your point?" Ernie calls out.

"He never once judged us for what we had done and he told us straight what our futures held if we kept doing the bad stuff we are doing." Richard explains. "He never cared, but he wanted to help and we all started making trouble 'cause we didn't like his crime."

"He killed a kid, man." A Hispanic kid adds. "That's sick."

"He did his time for it and almost died for his mistake, an accident." Richard argues, ignoring the scoffing and sarcastic comments. "But don't you think if anyone should hate him it should be Ms Nichols? And she don't. She forgave him and we shouldn't be able to judge anyone after the stuff we've done either. He never doubted us, wanted to do nothing but keep us out of jail and if Ms Nichols can forgive him and trust him, then so should we."

 

Ana and another member of staff stand together, talking quietly as they supervise the afternoon visiting and both of them are just as pleased to see that everyone is on their best behaviour. But even though everyone is calm, it can change in a heartbeat. Keith Brisbane, her backup for the afternoon chews on a toothpick with his arms folded across his chest, an ex-serving soldier who had taken early retirement thanks to several injuries he had sustained in a conflict.

"You're good with them." He says suddenly. "They respect you and you can get through to them which is why everyone agreed you were the best person for the program."

"I'm not so sure everyone's made the right decision, but I appreciate the vote of confidence."

"Well, we're all sure we have and you better start believing it." He says casually, his teeth grinding against the slither of wood.

"It sounds like everyone's done alot of talking about me by the sound of things."

"It sounds worse than it is, really." he says genuinely and she actually believes him. "A few of us were talking about what a rough time you were having, what with that creep and then him telling everyone about Saul's past."

"It's been tough, but that's life."

"Nah, that ain't life." He corrects her."You're brave for what you did, for realising that saving his life was the right thing to do. Once the action is done, there's no going back from it."  
Ana regards him cautiously and she has no idea why he is telling her all of this and she fears that it's some kind of trap. But she doesn't say anything and keeps up the friendly pretense.

"Sounds like you know what you're talking about." She says.

"I ain't no expert, but I guess you can say I have experience. My son and my brother were both executed two years ago."

"I'm sorry." She tells him. "What happened?"

"My brother was around when my kids were growing up more than I was and Johnny always looked up to him more than he did me. Johnny started getting into trouble and my ex, she sent him off to me and the wife and he settled down until Bill came on the scene and ruined it."

"What did your brother do?" She asks softly, her eyes watching every movement from the young men she is charged with.

"Bill had always had some far out opinions, especially ones against any kind of authority and I didn't realise how bad they were together until I found Johnny so trashed he couldn't walk or speak. Bill said he let him feel how it was to be a real man."

"You must have been furious with your brother." She states.

"Hell yeah, and it got worse after that. Johnny was only nineteen and he lost his job and got heavier into this...this....lifestyle that he had never knew before. He got into all kinds of trouble with Bill and then...."

"You really don't have to tell me this. I understand." Ana says gently, placing her hand on his forearm.

"I need you to understand....So, I came home from work one night, it had been a real crappy shift at the Foreland facility, two attempted suicides and an assault against a guard."

The Foreland facility handled adult men and women who have psychiatric issues and are classed as criminally insane by the court, incompetent to stand trial and face the music for their crimes, but locked up for society and their own protection. Ana shudders as she remembers the stories and she can't imagine how it must feel for the staff to work in that kind if enviroment, to constantly not know If you would be walking out or not.

"I went home and the front door was wide open, neighbours around the gate and the place was crawling with cops." He explains, the memory just like it happened yesterday. "So I told this cop it was my house and next thing I know I was being told that my wife had been murdered."

"Oh my god!"

"Cops said it was a break in gone wrong and they were going to dust the place for prints, so I went and stayed with family until it was sorted out." Keith recalls sadly. 

"And then what happened?"

"Cops came and told me they had arrested two people, got them through their prints and were charging them." He says quietly."It was Bill and Johnny."

She doesn't know what to say to her colleague and the pain is clear as the nose on his face.

"Why did they do It?"

"They were high and wanted money, but she resisted and fought back." he answers, a tremor of emotion in his voice. "And they were given the death penalty and I believed that it would somehow make things easier, make the pain go away."

"And it didn't?" 

"Not even close. I was angrier at myself than I was at them and I had grown up believing that the bible was right when it said an eye for an eye." Keith explains sadly. "I lost three people I cared about in one situation and I wish I had the courage to forgive like you did. I regret not stepping in and stopping it, to appeal for a longer sentence instead of the final one. You should be proud of yourself and I know your boy would be proud of you too."

"Keith, I'm sorry you had to go through that and this situation is a little different."

"Not really." He shrugs and turns to walk away. "Because love for a son or a brother is the same love and emotion we have for a partner, just on a different scale."

Ana watched Keith Brisbane as he walks towards one of the boys who seems to be losing his temper with his visitor, his mother who hadn't visited in months because her boyfriend said she wasn't to visit her son. Ana thinks about what Keith had told her and she can't imagine how it must feel to be responsible for someone's death, whether it was accidental or deliberate and she starts to understand the reasons why Saul had been in so much pain and why he felt so guilty. Finally understanding, it makes her more determined than ever to find him.

 

***

Saul sits at the picnic bench table, squashed with two other people on either side of him and he is disgusted at his own behaviour as he shovels fork full after fork full of stew, potatoes and bread into his mouth. The headaches had started weeks ago and the stomach cramps soon after, forcing him to stay in one place underneath a sleeping back and some cardboard because he didn't have the energy to move on to somewhere else. He, like everyone else in the shelter is barely tasting the meal and is eating as much as they can as quick as they can, survival at it's best. 

With a full belly and feeling much better than he did before, Saul allows himself to camp out at the shelter underneath manmade canopies of sheet metal and cardboard boxes. He snuggles into a corner, his private space shared with other homeless people and he realises how bad things really are. He's dirty and smells, his hair greasy and his beard matted. He looks around at the other people who are setting up their spot for the night and his heart breaks when he sees a mother and a very young family try to find somewhere a little drier than the open space of the courtyard as the rain starts to drizzle.

Feeling bad, he gets up and walks over to the mother who is juggling a baby, a toddler and two other children, trying to convince them that the bowls of stew is too hot to eat quickly.

"Hi."

"What do you want?" She says in alarm, harassed. "I don't got no money for you."

"Woah, wait a second. I wasn't asking for money."

"Then what do you want?" She eyes him suspiciously as one of the workers come over with a box of blankets and things.

"I got a spot right over there under the roof and I want you and the kids to have it."

"You're giving up your spot?" She asks, shocked.

"Yeah, I'm giving up my spot. The kids could use somewhere dry and it's pretty cosy in there."

"And where are you going to go?" She asks.

"I'll stay out here. I've got a waterproof sleeping bag and jacket, you and the kids don't. And I don't want you or your babies getting sick."

"Why....thank you." She says with feeling. "Thank you so much."

Saul then helps the woman set up a comfortable living space for her and her children and he lays out his sleeping back on the ground, crawling into it as he pulls up the hood of his jacket and positions some plastic sheeting over his body and head to keep out the rain. And as the temperature drops and the rain lashes down, Saul knows he did the right thing by giving up the spot under the canopy.


	24. It's not over

It had rained and poured and then it had rained some more, bringing with it an icy wind that dampened everyone's spirits and spoiled many's plans, but there are those who seem totally unaffected by the weather and Saul watches them in fascination from the space under the canopy he had managed to squeeze into. He holds the cup of hot soup in both hands, trying to force the chill from his stiff fingers and he stares off into the distance and retreats into his own private prison. He had listened to the demented cries of anguish throughput the night and had heard soft mutterings of reassurence that couldn't be guaranteed, just more diminished hope going down the drain. Saul had slept relatively well considering he had been outside, but having warmth and a full belly made a difference and although he is grateful, he doesn't want to take advantage because in his eyes there are people worse off than him. In a little while it would be breakfast, some of the other homeless say that the oatmeal isn't half bad, but then they would welcome any hot meal with open arms. He watches as some of the older men, the men who don't want to have to rely on charity start packing up their things and head for the exit. They ignore the protests from the volunteers of staying a while longer, to eat and bathe and get a change of clothes and Saul watches as the old men wave them off and go on their way. Saul Gregor can't help but wonder if that's going to be his own fate, to simply wander through existence in search of a meal and a dry spot to sleep and he knows he doesn't deserve anyone's sympathy because he chose to walk out on Ana and the guilt crushes him.

Morning turns into afternoon and the sky clears, a chill still present but at least it's stopped raining and some of the children are playing with the few toys that were donated to the shelter. Everything, right down from the food and blankets to the bundles of clothes, all of it donations from generous people and the receivers are grateful for their generosity.  
Saul chews slowly as he watches some of the older men around him practically inhale their meal, stuffing it in so quickly they would surely choke, but none of them do. Saul has experienced hunger, not starvation and he wonders how long he would last out there without so much as a bite to eat and he knows he would probably look like the other men, starving. 

Donna and two of the other voluneteers are collecting the empty plates and bowls, asking each and every person if they have had enough to eat, if they are warm enough and if they need to see a doctor and Donna stops in front of Saul and studies him closely.

"Have you had enough to eat and are you warm enough?" She asks kindly.

"I'm good, thank you."

"You're new around here, aren't you?" She asks and then answers her own question. "Of course you are. I've been doing this for six years and never came across your face before."

"I guess you're just lucky."

"Luck has nothing to do with it. As you can tell we have our regulars." She tells him. "So, what brings you here?"

He knows she is only trying to be friendly, but three something about the way she looked at him before, like she had seen him somewhere. He brushes off the strange feeling and sighs.

"I just fell on hard times."

"Seems to be the way of the world." She agrees. "The main thing is that people who are down on their luck, who are living on the streets can come here and we help as much as we can."

"You guys do a great job. I don't know how you do it."

"I was homeless myself a long time ago and I know how it feels to have no one to rely on or to even help." Donna says gently. "Do you have any friends or family around here?"

"I did, but it got complicated and I had to leave."

"I'm sorry." She says and she means it."It must have been hard. You do know you can always try to amend things."

"Fixing it wouldn't do either of us any good. It's better this way."

"It shouldn't have to be like that." She admits and turns around as one of the other volunteers call on her. "I'll come check on you in a little while."

She is undoubtedly, absolutely certain that it's him and she rushes into the admin office to make a phone call. Donna grows impatient as the other end rings and rings, and she is ready to give up when a woman answers the other end.

"Hello?"

"Ms Nicols, It's Donna from the shelter." Donna begins and then says excitedly. "He's here. Saul is here and you need to get here right away."

*****

Up until now the search for Saul had been fruitless and Ana tries not to build up her hopes in fear of disappointment, fearing that by the time she got there he would gone. However the bubble of excitement refuses to settle and the yearning is driving her crazy at finally being able to see him after so long and the constant worry would be minimal. But what she also fears is that if he chooses to stay and to abandons any chance of them reuniting.  
She parks abruptly down the street and hurriedly makes her way into the shelter, meeting Donna and another volunteer who points out Saul in the crowd of people. Her heart leaps in joy and then quivers in anguish at the sight of him, unkempt and scruffy and thin. 

She quietly approaches him and when she realises he is asleep, she gently shakes his shoulder. His eyes flutter open and then widen in surprise, his mouth falling agape.

"Ana, what are you doing here?" He asks quickly. "How did you find me?"

"Donna called me and said you were here."

"She had no right." He argues.

"She had every right because I asked her to. Saul, I've been worried sick and been looking everywhere for you."

"Why?" He asks quietly, his eyes downcast to the ground.

"Because I love you. I love you Saul, I love you so much that being apart from you kills me."

"You shouldn't." He tells her. "You don't need this. You don't need me."

"Damn it, I do need you. I've been going crazy without you and I've never needed anyone like this before. I need and want you."

Saul looks up at her and seeing her teary eyes makes him feel guilty. He loves her and he hates himself for hurting her, but he didn't feel he had any choice. He still thinks he has no other choice. Ana kneels down next to him and she sighs softly, watching him for a few seconds. She loves him and nothing will change that. Not a single thing.

"I've missed you." He admits quietly, not lookingup at her. "But I had to go."

"But why?"

"It's better this way, Ana." He explains"I shouldn't have let things go so far. I was stupid to think we could work."

"You're being stupid by thinking we couldn't. What made you leave, Saul?"

Now is the time for complete honesty and he knows what he did was cowardly, but he believes he left for the right reasons.

"I was a reminder of what you lost and me being around affected everything. You were having problems at work when everyone found out and your friends weren't your friends anymore and that was down to me. I was just a dead end."

"You weren't a dead end to me." She answers gently, meaning it. "I wanted us to have a future together and I always knew we could. I still want that." 

"I don't think you can with me. There's too much that's happened and it isn't fair on you to go through more heartache."

"That should be my decision and not anyone else's, and besides I'm not the only person who would miss you." Ana touches his hand, her tone warm and affectionate. "And I really mean it. The boys at the facility miss you."

"No they don't."

"I promise you that you are and they want you back as much as I do." She says positively. "And they all came around to understanding that you made a mistake, just like they have and are allowed to move on from it."

"How did they get to that conclusion?"

She understands his scepticism and she would be feeling exactly the same way if she was in his position and she remembers what it was like to be blamed and found guilty for a mistake. She had been blamed and found guilty by the man she had married and once loved with all her heart, but he had been looking for someone else to blame because he had made excuses to avoid going to the grocery store and wouldn't take Jesse with him. 

Ana sighs and runs her fingers through her damp hair from her shower and she finally manages to get Saul to meet her eyes.

"Richard Matthews stood up for you and he got everyone else to agree that what happened was an accident." She tells him with sincerity. "He really looks up to you, you know and you've made progress with him where no one else has. The boys miss you as much as I do."

"I can't see anyone else happy if I did go back there. The Warden will make sure that I never work again, never mind going back to the facility."

"You leave the Warden to me." She answers. "Are you going to come with me?"

 

******

After a shave, a hot shower and a hot meal, Saul closes his eyes briefly as he relaxes into the sofa and he realises how much he has missed all the comforts of a civilised life, but at the same time it has made him appreciate them more. He definitely does appreciate the little things like hot water and soap, especially when he didn't have it and he wonders how anyone can live in an unclean manner and he reasons that they have to be aware of their body odour.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Ana asks sweetly as she sits down next to him, her face still flushed after their reunion which had ended in the bedroom.

"I'm just thinking."

"What about?" She asks curiously.

"Just....how lucky we are to have a roof over our heads and how we can wash when we feel like it and eat when we're hungry."

"You're thinking about all those people in the shelter, aren't you?" Ana asks with understanding as he nods.

"It's stupid, but some of them seemed happy and I was just miserable."

"It's not stupid at all. Not one tiny bit." She adds gently. "For some of them, the others are all they have and the shelter is one place where they can all be together. I think they all get miserable about their situation, but they don't show it the same."

"Hardened by the streets, right?"

"Exactly like that." Ana explains and gently squeezes his hand in a supportive gesture. "Some of them believe they only have this life because they can't do anything to change it and they all have their own situations and reasons for being where they are. Did you get any trouble while you were....here?"

Saul remembers an argument with his father, more the old man preaching than anything and the young Gregor still remembers how bitter his father had been at the world and how everyone in it was just as bad. Being the hormonal teenager, Saul had then asked where his mother was and that really escalated things. Saul knew he was unwanted and resented by his father, but he was the only person he had in his life and cutting himself off would be a lonely place.

"Hmm?" He asks as he snaps out of it."What did you say?"

"I asked If you had gotten into any trouble while you were out there."

"Thankfully, I didn't." He tells her honestly and she believes him. "I've had enough trouble to last me a lifetime and I don't want anymore."

"I just wish I had found you sooner. Anything could gave happened to you and I wouldn't have known. I've been so worried."

"I'm sorry I worried you." He answers queitely. "I didn't mean for that to happen." 

"I know you didn't and I only worried because I cared."

"I've been worried about you too." He says and then goes on to explain sheepishly. "I was worried about how everyone was treating you and how you were since.....since I left."

Ana decides to be brutally honest with Saul and he needs to know how scared and worried she was, just like how he needs to tell her how guilty he felt. This would be the makings or a new start for them and whether either of them grasped it with both hands would be a different story entirely.

"I've been miserable." She tells him, her voice straining with emotion. "I've been so miserable I couldn't sleep or eat or concentrate at work. It felt like my entire world had fallen apart."

"But you've survived worse."

"I have." She wipes her weepy eyes."But it felt like losing Jesse all over again, Saul."

"I'm sorry. I never meant for you to feel like that. I promise you I didn't. I.. I thought I was doing the right thing."

"I know you didnt." Ana sighs softly."I know you thought you were doing the right thing. How did you feel when we were apart?"

"Guilty. I felt guilty after everything that's happened and then I run out on you. I felt guilty because the hurt wasn't going to stop and.....and I so down all the time. I missed you. I thought about calling you or showing up on your doorstep, but I couldn't do it."

"Why couldn't you?" She asks, afraid to know the answer. 

"I didn't know If you would see me or turn me away."

"I would never turn you away, not ever." She answers. "I love you too much to let that happen."

To most, their conversation would sound like they were repeating themselves and going around in circles, but they have to talk about their feelings in order to understand them and to make things right between them. Their relationship and lives wouldn't go back to normal straight away, but they agreed that they would happily give things another try and this time they would be open and honest and they even agreed to talk to a professional who helped couples analyse and fix their problems. It would be worth a try at least. Anything would be worth a try to salvage their relationship and sanity.

****

Over the course of the next few days, everyone including her colleagues and boys she cares for sees a massive change in Ana and they make the right assumption by saying that she and Saul had obviously patched things up, but it's the warden who is making things difficult and Ana decides to be adult about it, by acting as normal as possible. She doesn't know why he is suddenly being so counterproductive and she wonders if the department's petty politics are in play and it wouldn't be the first time either. She can't stand the beurocratic policies and bullshit that go along with it.

Ana knocks on the wardens door and enters without being asked to and already she knows she is going to have to play her cards carefully and keep some of them close to her chest until they are needed. His face is a picture of surprise as she closes the door behind her and she doesn't bother to sit down, but to tower over his desk even though she is smaller than him when standing.

"What can I do for you, Ana?"

"Saul and I have managed to patch things up." She tells him and she has a feeling that he already knows. "And I think Saul should be reinstated in his position here at the facility."

"And what makes you think that?"

"Saul got a good response not only from his colleagues but the boys too." She explains calmly, ignoring the glint in her superiors eyes. "He got through to them in ways in which many of the others failed. They responded well to his methods and some of then are considering new opportunities for when they are released. Two of the boys, Devon and Mitchell are in jobs and are studying community college. He's good at his job."

"I disagree."

"About what?" Ana asks impatiently, knowing that she was going to have some kind of fight on her hands. 

"You also didn't mention how his criminal past affected this facility and made it a laughing stock in the department-"

"Which everyone knew when he was hired." She counters quickly.

"I haven't finished yet and you've had your say, so now it's mine. Saul made this facility a laughing stock and it's fine reputation has been brought into question. The revelation about his criminal past and the news of your involvement and the circumstances surrounding it has done nothing but cause trouble and unrest amongst the boys."

"It wasn't any of us who told the boys and you knew about it from the beginning." She reminds him.

"True, but it wasn't a security issue at the time. I owe it to other members of staff to ensure their safety and I can't do that when there are riots."

"There was hardly riots." She snorts sarcastically.

"Either way people could have gotten hurt. I expected you to respect my decision, Ana and I suggest if you value your position here you will forget all about Saul Gregor returning to this facility."

 

Ana's blood boils as she stomps down the corridor and slams the staff room office door closed, sending the noise and vibrations further along the hallway. She doesn't care who hears if, but she does care about her role that she had worked so hard for and suddenly she feels guilty for not considering the possibility of losing her job, in the end choosing between the job she loves or the man she loves is much easier decision than she thought it would be. She just hopes it doesn't come to that.


	25. Setting Up A Master Plan

Chapter Twenty Five

Everyone has a past and there is no thing surer in the world, that everyone has skeletons hiding in their closets. Everyone has made mistakes and paid for them to certain degrees, everyone having their secrets that they will take to the grave and they hope that no one will ever find out about what they had once done. It proves that no one on earth is perfect or righteous, not the mayor or the court's judge or a soldier or a supermarket clerk, but what is worse than the revelation of a person's past and mistakes is them not being allowed to forget it even though they have learned from it. Some would say that the skeletons being brought to life and released from their dark tombs was God's way of weeding out the evil, but most people know that God has nothing to do with people being persecuted because of their past, it's people who are to blame and always will be to blame.

****

Ana's eyes water as she roughly dices onions, almost turning them into a pile of mush because she is so distracted about her meeting with the Warden. She can't help but think of anything else and she wonders aimlessly what she is going to do now, but no answers come to her. Ana sweats off the onions and adds the browned beef mince to the pot, adding some tomato puree and some garlic before doing the washing up, allowing the meat to soak up some flavour. She had decided on the drive home that a decent home cooked meal is exactly what they both need, especially after everything they had gone through the last few weeks. Saul hadn't been the only one to lose weight and Ana had shed a few pounds she didn't need to lose through the upheaval of Saul going missing. Ana gives the contents of the pot a quick stir and dries her hands on a towel, considering whether to open a bottle of Merlot and to have a few glasses, which she decides against since she needs to be clearheaded. She is going to have to really come up with something to make the Warden change his mind about Saul's employment at the facility and to do it quickly. An idea strikes her as she grabs the package of pasta from the cupboard and she plots silently on how to make her idea the reality.

"Something smells good." Saul says as he shrugs off his jacket.

"It's only spaghetti, Saul. It's hardly restaurant standard."

"You're a great cook and everything you make is great." He tells her. "Is it almost ready?"

"It won't be long, but why don't you tell me where you've been the last hour?"

"I took a walk and then sat in the park for a while." He shrugs as if it's no big deal. "The job columns are worse than I thought. They all want people who are trained in whatever field and my qualifications don't go for much."

"You're just as qualified as anyone, more so."

"It's because of my record. I called and applied for a few positions, but as soon as they asked If I had a record and I told them what for, they hung up." Saul answers with a deep sigh. "I even called about a job in a toothpaste factory and they still hung up." 

"I'm sorry, Saul. I know it isn't easy looking for work and there's too many bigotted people out there who aren't willing to give anyone a chance, even if they are qualified for the job."

"There's always flipping burgers at McDonalds." He teases, but he has resigned himself to the fact that it's a possibility of work if he can't find anything else.

"Don't talk like that because I know something is going to turn up."

"Sure." he answers with a shrug. "If you say so."

****THREE DAYS LATER ***

An uncomfortable uneasiness had developed within the facility and the Warden had quickly found out why when he was bombarded with pleas of reconsideration where Saul Gregor's position was concerned and he turned all of them away. The unrest didn't stop there, especially when the youths at the facility found out and many of them voiced the progress they had made with Saul and they were still ignored by the man in the suit who is in charge. But the unrest had already started to branch out and the staff at the facility called a strike, one which the department would not be pleased with and that was genuinely the whole idea of it. The staff had downed tools and walked out, refusing to return unless Saul had been reinstated and even the boys took note of what was going on and called a strike of their own, still desperately trying to force the Warden's hand. Without staff there would be no discipline and no rehabilitation, nothing physically there to keep everyone in check and the department would be less enthralled at someone being hurt or refused proper care because the man in charge couldn't round up his staff and to get them to their jobs. Some of the boys would get fed up with the cause they were standing up for and others would remain loyal to the end, just like the staff and while the teenagers are cooped up like animals, they can always find trouble and it could have been avoided.

*******

 

"Shouldn't you be at work?"

"I have the day off since all the extracurricular activities have been cancelled and they have enough minders on." She answers as she stirs sugar into her coffee. "Since the trouble a few days ago with the boys, their privileges have been cancelled until the Warden says."

"What did they do that was so bad?"

"There was a food fight in the dinning room, some property damaged and he wants to make them realise they were wrong to act like that." Ana answers, not wanting him to know the reasons why.

"They've done that before and he hasn't acted like that."

"You're right, but he is probably trying to send them some kind of message." She answers with a sigh."Which they will just ignore."

"Sounds like every typical kid."

"It is." She agrees quietly.

Saul suddenly realises what he has said and instantly regrets saying it, whether it's true or not is irrelevant and it's clearly upset Ana. He feels like he is doing it more and more and is always doing something or saying something to turn her usually good mood into a soured one, usually because he doesn't think before he speaks. Saul sighs softly and offers her the cookie jar from the top of the fridge.

"I didn't mean to say what I did." He tells, a sad expression mirroring her own. "I just.....say things without thinking."

"It isn't about Jesse, Saul. I'm just thinking about something one of the boys had said."

"Is it that bad?" He asks.

"No, it isn't that bad and I think it's very nice. Remember Liam?"

"Liam Burrows?" Saul asks, intrigued.

"Yes. Everyone had taken part in a group discussion and we got onto the subject of parents. He said he wished you were his father. Liam told everyone that he thought you would make a good dad."

"I....He's wrong." He tells her quickly, flustered. "He doesn't know anything...He doesn't know a damn thing."

Ana is surprised by his reaction to the compliment and can see that he is visibly upset for some reason and yet, she can't see how when Liam had been so honest about his thoughts and respect towards Saul. She stands in front of her partner and shakes her head as she speaks, lowering her voice to a sincere and soothing whisper.

"I think Liam is right. You would be a good dad and you shouldn't be upset by it."

Saul glances up at Ana for all of a second and shrugs his shoulders in response. Having kids had certainly never been part of the plan and he certainly hadn't intended for the boys at the facility to look on him as a father figure. Ana on the other hand agrees with the boys and she isn't afraid to say so, especially after everything they had been through and Ana had come to terms with her circumstances and so did he. Over the course of their time together, Saul had improved where his guilt was concerned and he displayed it less openly and even seemed happier, but there would always be the darker moments where the doubts of his existence slipped in and made him feel like he had to suffer. Saul had once admitted to Ana that he tortured himself because of his actions and she reassured him that she had forgiven him and he should forgive himself. Most of their talks started out and ended up the same way, constantly going around in the same circles and they had both grown equally exhausted because of it and they never seemed to move on from it.

 

*****

In the next week, Ana had pretended to go to work while she and her colleagues got together and worked on their next move in forcing the Warden to give Saul his position back and so far their strike had caused a lot of trouble, but the Warden wasn't bending and breaking as soon as they had hoped. The facility had been on lockdown except for the inmates to be taken to classes and meals, and then they were relocked in their dorms until it was time to be let out again and they used this as an excuse to misbehave and cause trouble. Ana and her colleagues had heard that several of the boys were facing extended time at the facility as punishment and they felt responsible and guilty, but the boys would make up their own minds and make their own decisions and if they got into more trouble, for most of them it was no big deal.

Eleven members of staff who had agreed to the strike are sitting in the living room of one of their colleague's homes, each of them strategically going over the recent events and discussing ways on how they could break the Warden's resolve. Many good and bad ideas are being passed around and it's difficult to agree on some of the more extreme actions, but everyone is trying to club together regardless.

"We could go to the press and reveal what's happened." Angela Deans suggests. "We could explain Saul's story and how he's been unfairly treated by the department and is considered a condemned man despite their purpose of rehabilitation."

"That's good, but there is a problem." Answers Joanie Hart. "If we expose Saul's past criminal convictions, it could also bring more trouble to his door because a lot of people will say that he's just a violent criminal."

"Or we could drop an anonymous letter to the local newspaper and they could print the story without any names." Ted Grierson says.

"But people will put two and two together and there's always going to be someone who is willing to talk." Angela answers with a sigh. "What if we were to temporarily resign until Saul is reinstated?"

"And most of us have families." Craig Dempsey argues quickly. "Being out of work would mean no food on the table, unpaid bills and losing the roofs over our heads."

It is agreed that resigning from their positions isn't an option and it would be a stupid move because it wouldn't guarantee Saul's return. They throw around a few more ideas and they discuss the pros and cons of those lines of actions and the possible consequences, but they are still spinning their wheels and still going around in circles. During their meeting, Alison Humphries rushes out of the room to answer a phone call and returns minutes later with an ashen expression.

"Everything okay?" Richard asks as he refills everyone's coffee mugs.

"No, not really." Alison answers sadly, clearly distraught about something."That was Dave...... Anthony Paige hung himself."

"Jesus. Why would he do that?" Bert Simms asks. "He was being released in a few weeks and was going to be making a go of it."

"There was also a note, stating that he had done it as an act of defiance and said he and everyone else were on strike until Mr Gregor was brought back." Alison tells them and looks around to see the stunned faces. "He said he was making a point, a stand against the Warden and his death would be his fault."


	26. Mystery

Chapter Twenty Six

The Warden glares angrily at the eleven members of his staff who have so rudely barged into his office as he ends his call to the deperartment and sets down the phone. The group can only imagine what the department might be thinking by the intrusion, maybe not even aware of the situation they have been put in.

"What the hell do you think you're doing by barging in here like a pack of wild animals?"

"We're here about Anthony Paige." Ted Grierson announces, a very reasonable man.

"Yes, a terrible tragedy. His parents will be informed in due course."

"I'm assuming they don't know about his letter." Ana says out loud. "I don't think even the department know that he left a suicide note and what was in it."

"You're overstepping the line here, Ana. Now, get out of my office if you want to keep your position here and that goes for every single one of you."

Not a single person in front of the Warden moves. They are defiant and angry that he could be so callous about Anthony Paige's suicide and not inform the department of the real reason why the youth took his own life. Their unified front only makes the Warden even angrier as he picks up the phone and tells his receptionist that he wants security and he is told that security are guarding the youths, his orders.

"Everyone here can see that not having Saul as part of the team is impacting the running of the facility. There hasn't been any progress with the kids and they're good behaviour has gone downhill." Joanie speaks directly and honestly. "All his colleagues are fighting for his return and even you can't argue that he made incredible progress and constructive changes with the boys."

"Someone like that shouldn't be allowed to work in this kind of environment. He should be in prison where he belongs and I expected better from you, Ana."

"Before Saul was employed here, you knew the history we had. You knew everything, every detail and you let him work here. The boys have really opened up with him and are actually wanting to learn, to be better." Ana says, her insides churning. "You never once had a problem with what had happened in the past and all of a sudden you did, because the boys found out and even they understood and want him back. They have gone on strike to get Saul back here and Anthony Paige even killed himself to have Saul back."

"Maybe this will speed up your change of heart, Warden. Two letters have been sent out, one to the national papers and the other to the department with photocopies of Anthony Paige's suicide note." Richard bluffs and is very convincing. "We can retract them if you reach the right decision."

"I won't be blackmailed. Have your pathetic strike, go to the department and papers, but I can promise that a child killer will never ever work again."

The eleven had angrily stomped out of the Warden's office and decided over a round of drinks at a nearby bar that they would have to carry out their threats to overrule the Warden's decision. It wouldn't be easy for Ana to see her life in the newspapers again, but she knows that it is for a good cause and she is willing to make the sacrifice. Some of her colleagues aren't feeling too positive about the decision and are already worrying about their jobs and how they're going to support their families. Ana tells them that they haven't to put their careers on the line for her and Saul, but all ten of her colleagues tell her that they are willing to take the risk and fight with her against the Warden.

The sofa is so comfortable she hasn't realised she had fallen asleep and is surprised to find a cover over her shoulders and the sound of movement coming from the kitchen. With the cover still wrapped around her she goes in, squinting at the bright light and sees Saul making dinner.

"What time is it?"

"It's almost six." He tells her and offers her a smile. "You've slept since you got back."

"Four hours is too long for a nap. Maybe I'm coming down with someone."

"Let me see." Saul says as he goes to her and presses his hand to her skin. "You feel normal. Relax, I'll make dinner."

"Saul, there's something I need to talk to you about and I was hoping I could have kept it from you." 

"What's wrong?" Saul asks, worriedly.

"Anthony Paige committed suicide."

"Jesus. Did he leave a note or tell any of the kids why?" he asks and Ana nods sadly. "What don't you want to tell me?"

"Everyone has been protesting in your defense to get you reinstated at the facility and we were coming up with something to really force the Warden's hand, when we were told about Anthony. He killed himself in an act if defiance, to have you back."

"He....he killed himself.....for me?" He stammers and needs to sit down. "You should have told me about this sooner."

"And you would have tried to talk me and everyone else out of it. I've already spoken to Anthony Paige's mother and she's writing to the Governor about this, that her son felt so strongly about one thing he took his own life."

"This is crazy, Ana." He tells her, raw shock turning into shocked nerves. "Do you have any idea how this whole mess looks and sounds? I went to jail because I killed someone. That's all there is to it."

"No, that isn't all there is to it and you need to pull your head out of your ass if you see us having a future. We are all fighting for you to go back to the facility and help more kids like Anthony Paige. They looked up to you, respected you and trusted you. Those kids need you. This isn't about what you did anymore or Jesse. Think about it."

Ana goes to bed early and spends the best part of three hours on the phone to her colleagues, all of them eager to devise some sort of plan against the Warden. Every plan seems to turn sour and they can't risk the welfare of the boys they are entrusted with, but they still haven't come up with a helpful solution. Ana is surprised to find Saul getting into bed next to her and the atmosphere between them is frosty.

"Ana, I know what you and the rest of them have been trying to do and I appreciate it, but this isn't helping the kids." He says suddenly, softly. "Striking and not being there for them is just making things worse for them, not better."

"What do you suggest?"

"An independent investigation." Saul suggests. "A lawyer from the DA's investigation team will go in undercover and work like you do, but they're watching the management."

"The Warden isn't stupid enough to fall for a new face like that and he's pretty tight on anything that could be used against him. I....I just don't know what can be pinned on him."

"Let me worry about that, but you all have to go back to work and pretend everything is normal." He says.

"Noone is going back until you are reinstated."

"And the kids will suffer if you don't." he argues. "Do you really want the Warden to be looking after them? Ana, everhthing you've done for me means the world, but we have to think of those kids."

Ana eventually agreed that Saul was right and would call a meeting first thing in the morning, yet she allowed Saul make a few phonecalls and then they sat out in the yard and watched the sun go down. The scene looked like something from a movie, romantic and carefree but they both have the weight of the world on their shoulders. 

*****

The Warden looks like the cat that got the cream and this infuriates the young inmates when they see the regular but recently absent staff return to their block. Their outrage quickly disolves after breakfast once Ana and her colleagues explain that they aren't there and giving up, but are there and still fighting. The kids don't understand and ask for Saul Gregor. It quickly circulates that something else is going to be happening to reinstate Saul, but they have to be patient and it is asking almost too much of them, but they comply and behave for only their block officers. But the atmosphere is still tense and anything can happen.

"This is crazy." Gloria Stanford announces in the staff room to her audience of three."A boy killed himself to make his point and that stubborn old fool still thinks he knows what's best."

"What can we do?" Linda Crowley asks, the facilities probation and wellfare officer. "Everyone has gone on strike, tried bargaining with him and even a death to force his hand and still we are sitting here without Saul."

"It's a mess. This whole thing had been a disaster from the start." Ana professes and she feels as if it's all her fault for getting him the job. 

"Don't go there, Ana." Gloria states, reading the woman closely. "This isn't your fault and every single one of us is with you on this. Bringing Saul into this facility and into this environment has taught everyone something, from the boys to your friends and colleagues. He's part of the family like you are."

Emotion overwhelms Ana as she absorbs Gloria's heartfelt speech, a genuine one. She stifles a sob with her hand and nods in agreement as her colleagues and friends offer words of comfort. But recently she had been overly emotional over silly things, like spilling coffee on her shirt or forgetting to put fabric softener into the washing machine or to pick up eggs at the store. She doesn't understand it and puts it down to being so strung out with work and decides to lean on her friends when she needs to.

"It's almost lunch time." Craig says softly. "I wonder what's on the menu today."

"Probably the same as it was yesterday." Linda answers with mock excitement. "Tuna casserole and veggie casserole. I'm thankful I brought sandwiches."

The gathering in the staffroom breaks up and everyone goes their own ways and Gloria takes the opportunity to speak to Ana on her own. She had worried in a motherly way and puts her arm around the younger woman's shoulders. 

"You and Saul are coming over around six and you're going to relax and enjoy a good meal."

"Thanks Gloria, but I don't think I would be good company and there's a lot of things Saul and I need to talk about." She answers and feels bad about declining.

"Nonsense. You two are coming over and there's someone I want you to meet."

"If it's so important, we'll come." Ana relents and smiles, suddenly looking forward to spending some time away from her own four walls. "But I am insisting on bringing wine and desert."

"That's fine with me, honey. And remember, be comfortable. I hate it when guests come all dressed up and sit like stiff shirts all night. Come over around six and I might even open the sherry."

Gloria leaves Ana and she can hear the older woman laughing down the hallway. Gloria Stanford had never been a drinker where she would consume large amounts of alcohol, but she was partial to a drop of sherry. Ana dreads to think what Gloria would be like if she drank an entire bottle and laughs openly at the thought. But for some reason she can't settle at the idea of her having a trick up her sleeve and the curiosity turns to worry the rest of the afternoon and before she knows it, it's time to go home and prepare.

*******

On her way home Ana had popped into the bakery and bought a delicious apple caramel pie and a simply cherry pie for taking to Gloria's and then told Saul about the evening's plans. He hadn't been overly keen on going, but decided just to go or Ana would never hear the end of it from Gloria. At six, they arrive and are welcomed in and offered glasses of wine, making themselves comfortable. The mystery guest still isn't there and an anxious impatience radiates from the two dinner guests and they hold their breaths when the doorbell rings. A man in his forties with salt and pepper hair, chiseled good looks and very attractive for his age steps into the sitting room.

"This is Derek Connors." Gloria announces with a wide smile. "He's a lawyer and an investigator who works for the district attorney's office and in the government, bringing unwanted issues and corruption to attention. He is going to take on your case and fight."


	27. Power of Suggestion

Gloria had prepared and cooked a terrific meal which everyone had enjoyed, complete with a comforting desert of cherry pie and homemade custard. She had exceeded herself with the meal and then served coffee in the living room where Ana, Saul and Derek Connors could go over the details after already accepting to fight their corner. Connors already knows the story with Ana and Saul, everything right down to the latest development with the Warden threatening his staff with their jobs and and Anthony Paige's suicide. Ana and Saul reveal everything they can and Gloria fills in some blanks, then it's time for the famous Derek Connors to form the battle plan.

"Ana, was the Warden aware of the nature of what happened and why Saul was incarcerated?" 

"He knew from the start." Ana answers. "He even knew that I stepped in and stopped the execution, us eventually being in a relationship and he willingly employed Saul regardless of what happened."

"And you say that the Warden forced you out the door after the general population found out about the conviction. How did the young inmates react when they discovered this about Saul?" 

"They were angry, started rioting." Ana answers quietly and listed off all the problems that happened and then added. "But then something changed with them, they started to understand the situation and wanted Saul back at the facility. Several of the boys who had completely turned their lives around with Saul's help were the ones to convince the others. They all stood together and put on lockdown by the Warden because they protested to have him back." 

"And yourself and various members of the staff protested as well, am I right?"

"Yes, and we were threatened with our jobs and we were promised that things would be more difficult with the boys without us being there."

"I'm going to set up a meeting to interview the Warden and ask him about his previous actions, mostly why he so suddenly against Saul working there and why it was never a problem up until the inmates found out, and even they accepted it and moved on. The Warden doesn't seem to want to and I want to know why."

"So you really think you can help us?" Saul asks finally.

"Of course, Saul. There's something far bigger going on here and I intend to find out exactly whats going on, but it may take some time." 

"It doesn't matter how long it takes, Mr Connors." Saul answers. "But thank you."

Derek Connors left soon after finishing his fourth cup of coffee and promised to be in touch when he had made progress and Ana and Saul were elated with the outcome of the evening. They too soon left after thanking Gloria for a wonderful meal and for setting up the meeting, expressing their thanks over and over until the older woman threatened to throw them out if they didn't stop. They returned home optimistic and hopeful, but sadly any investigation took time and Saul was too impatient to wait, but he didn't have a choice until Connors made contact.

Hearing noises inside the house in the middle of the night is never a good thing and Ana gingerly goes downstairs with a baseball bat, ready to swing at the intruder. She is tired and will be getting up for work in seven hours and chasing a burglar from her home, then dealing with the police is not how she wants to spend those previous hours. The noise is coming from the kitchen and the door is partially closed over, the entire room in darkness. Her breaths are shaky, her hands sweaty as she grips the bat tighter and launches into the kitchen, turning on the light. Saul stands there with a sandwich in his hand, his other hand raised to protect himself from the bat.

"Fuck!" Saul yells, his entire body reconnecting with the floor. "What's got into you?"

"I heard noises and I thought it was a burglar. The door was half open and there were no lights on. I thought it was someone looking for something valuable."

"I was only making a sandwich." He points out and they both start laughing hysterically. "That would have been a great story if you hit me and I needed stitches."

"I'm sorry, but I didn't know who it was down here and I didn't expect it to be you."

"I'll forgive you, I guess." He laughs and takes the bat from her. "What's got you so on edge?"

"The last meeting with the Warden and everything that's happened, and now Derek Connors is involved it could make things a lot worse."

"How?" He wonders.

"I think he would know some pretty bad people who owe him favours and someone coming in here and fixing the problem would be perfect for him." 

"I don't think he's that stupid, Ana. It would all point back to him if something did happen." He replies.

"If there's proof of it."

"Yeah, maybe something like that could happen, but we shouldn't worry about it until it happens." He takes a bite of his sandwich and suddenly doesn't want it. "You're working later, go back to bed."

Saul watches her as she goes upstairs and wraps the barely touched sandwich in plastic wrap and puts it in the fridge. He knows Ana is right and that the Warden could have an army of devious and dangerous people under his influence and with the stir they are causing, they are making themselves prime targets. He joins her in bed and they are both restless from worry. They can't seem to settle, tossing and turning and eventually they exhaust themselves by making love and falling soundly asleep.

****

Ana hobbles into the staff room and earns a concerned look from several of her colleagues and Gloria. Due to staff shortages it is her turn to do a triple shift and already half way into the back shift, Ana's ready for throwing in the towel. For the second time that day, some of the rebel group have congregated, having already discussed the meeting with Derek Connors and agreed to keep it a secret. But there's nothing other than work being discussed.

"My feet are killing me." Ana complains as she slides off her shoes and removes her socks. "It feels like I've been walking on hot coals all day and then someone's rubbed ghost chilli into the burns."

"Steep your feet in some cool water." Angela Deans says and puts a basin of cool water in front of Ana. "When I was having the kids I found this was the best cure for it."

"Thanks, Angela." Ana says and slides her feet into the cold water, shuddering internally. "Did the transfer papers come in for the new arrivals tomorrow?"

"Hand delivered, copies of the transfers with the boys and their personal files are already here." Craig fills them in. "Did a quick flick through and we're going to have trouble on our hands."

"What makes you say that?" Ana queries.

"Three newcomers, all fresh faced and never been in trouble up until now. The file says they're awaiting a trial, but they've never been in trouble once." Craig replies. "Strange how they're accused of robbing an old lady, the shock of the attack actually killing her."

"That doesn't sound right, does it?" Gloria interjects and shakes her head. "That doesn't sound right that three boys who have never been in an ounce of trouble would do that." 

"I agree." Ana says.

"I do too, but the investigating officer claims they're a considerable risk to society if they aren't monitored." Dempsey recalls clearly from the report. "The board and the judge agreed to send them here and one of the kids has already tried to kill himself."

"Wonderful." Joanie Hart shakes her head. "And this boy could potentially succeed in his attempt and his life be made a misery because of his crime, or accused crime."

"This whole system stinks." Ana says suddenly. "Put the boys into the medical wing and take it from there." 

"At least we can keep an eye on them there." Angela agrees and scratches her head. "I wonder if we're actually helping them by locking them up like animals."

The group continue discussing the pros and cons of the current system, all agreeing that the medieval punishments were thankfully a thing of the past and rehabilitation worked much better. Age also mattered because a criminal in his sixties saw it as impossible to change his life, where a teenager has a bigger opportunity to get help and support to make the changes. But they all agree that they can't help the young inmates under the current reigeme imposed by the Warden.

******

"Are you okay, Ana?" Gloria asks suddenly as she hands over paperwork to the younger woman. "You look a little off colour."

"I'm fine, just an unsettled stomach. It's maybe been lunch."

"Yes, the food isn't always the best." The older woman agrees. "Because....."

"Because what?"

"I have a built in radar for these things and I'm convinced that it isn't just an upset stomach." She explains. 

"Well, what do you think is wrong with me?"

"You've been tetchy, running to the toilet a lot and you said you needed to go on a diet." Gloria points out. "Could you be pregnant?"

"Of course not. I'm too old to be pregnant, Gloria. Besides, I'm sure I would know if I was."

"It was just an observation, but you should do a test." She replies.

"I'll do one later because right now I don't have time for this."

Ana had left Gloria's small office, flustered and irritated and she can't think of a single reason why. Gloria was only concerned and Ana knows fine well that she had picked up on pregnancies before, and even the new mothers didn't know. On her lunch break, she decided to buy a test and would do it when she was halfway through the last leg of her shift, a night shift. She would get some alone time to do the test and to gather her thoughts depending on the results.

The entire facility is quiet and for that, Ana is thankful. She isn't in the mood to deal with boisterous youths who want to flex their muscles and she is even more relieved that she is on shift with three other workers that she likes. Getting on with someone you work with is half the battle. She sneaks off to the bathroom with the pregnancy test wrapped in a folded newspaper, wary of anyone who might see it. She thinks she is being stupid after Gloria planted that seed in her head that she could be pregnant and there's only one way to prove or disprove the suggestion. Ana breathes out a long sigh as she holds the used test in her hand and stares down at it in awe.


	28. Insecure

So many things are going through her mind at this one particular time and she can't distract herself and escape it. She has to face it, whether she likes it or not and she really doesn't feel ready for this possibility. Ana feels her own hands shaking as she turns the test over and reads the result.

****

The Warden sits with an unreadable expression after first being so charming to his visitor. He had heard of Derek Connors before and knew vaguely of his reputation, but that really didn't interest the Warden in the slightest. He isn't sure what this meeting is about but had been assured that it would be in his best interests, so he reluctantly agreed and invited the lawyer into his office.

"I'm impressed with what I've seen here. It can't be easy looking after kids that come from troubled backgrounds." 

"It can be difficult, but I have a good team of staff under me and that's what makes the difference." The Warden answers. "I've been told that you have interviewed many of my staff already at their homes and I'm curious as to what this is all leading to."

"I'm going to be honest with you here or at least as much as I can without breaking confidentiality. There has been complaints about the way you run things here-"

"And you've already found out that they're all lies." He finishes, smug.

"I wish I could say that's what my findings were, but many of your staff have genuine concerns over the way things are run here, particularly your role as Warden."

"That's ridiculous!" The man argues. "I don't know who you've been talking to, but I can assure you that it's all been a waste of your time."

"I've found that it isn't and after further investigation, these concerns from members of your staff are well founded. Actually, as a human being I agree with their concerns."

"And what is your so called findings from your investigation?" He queries, treating the whole meeting like a joke. 

"You employed a member of staff who proved to be popular with the residents, one who they felt they could all turn to and even helped them. This employee's career was cut short because of information about his own criminal past had been exposed-" 

"And caused upset for staff and inmates alike." The Warden snaps. "And I don't see why this is at all relevant. It was a security risk."

"But wouldn't he have been a security risk from the very start and shouldn't have been employed in the first place if you believed this was so?" 

"I didn't know about his previous activities." He replies.

"That's very strange, because I have written testimonies that stand in a court of law by several members of your staff who say they knew about this individuals previous incarceration during his employment and before it was made public knowledge by a bitter guard who was rejected by Ms Nichols. I also have official documentation saying that you and the department knew of this invaceratuon and still allowed him to work here. Now, if he was that much of a security risk, why would he be allowed e to work here in the first place?" 

The Warden is turning a bright shade of red and grinding his teeth together in anger. He is furious. He is so livid that he could throw the lawyer out of how office, but know it wouldn't help him in the slightest. He clenches his fists underneath the desk.

"Tell me about how you cancelled all privileges for the inmates and how they came to be on lock down." Derek Connors asks. 

"They were rioting because of the relegation about Saul Gregor's criminal record and went crazy."

"But they settled down after discussing it amongst themselves and talking to various members of staff about the incident. So why are they on continued lock down and when your staff threatened to strike until something was done, why did you threaten them with their jobs when they refused to back down? And you also promised to make the inmates's lives a misery." Connors recites expertly from his notes.

"I need staff to run this place and it's their jobs to care for the boys we have here. The boys were rebellious and dangerous. I locked the unit for my staff's safety."

"But the boys weren't being cared for because they were denied visiting, education, free time out of their dorms. You denied each and every one of them their basic human right."

"It was a punishment!"

"And if it was a punishment like you say, why wasn't the adolescent court notified of this and suitable, lawful punishments were given if they were so out of control and dangerous? Why weren't extra staff called in to help maintain order?" The Lawyer asks.

"I didn't want to bother the adolescent panel with this kind of nonsense, a minor hiccup."

"Yet you took it upon yourself to be the judge, jury and executioner." Derek continues. "The death of an imate in your care was also failed by your system when he committed suicide-" 

"That was an act of defiance!"

"It was an act of protest to have Saul back at the unit, which his later also states very clearly." Connors argues. "Why wasn't his history taken into consideration before he was put into lockdown?"

"History?"

"Yes, several times in the past he had tried to commit suicide in segregation and the resident psychiatrist had recommended alternative punishments to seclusion since being alone with nothing to occupy him made him maudlin." The lawyer replies and keeps pushing. "His death could have been prevented."

"His death had nothing to do with his previous attempts. You said it yourself that he did it as an act of protest."

"Yet, as you have a duty of care for this boy and others like him he should never have been put in the situation where he could have harmed himself." Connors argues. "And as you have the duty of care to the entire facility, I feel that a written report to the district attorney's office exposing your negligence is what is going to happen as soon as I leave."

"Get out! Get the hell out of my prison! You do gooders always think you're so damn right, but let me tell you something.....You're wrong about all of it. Those boys aren't angels and they're here because they're a danger to society and if it was up to me they would be here forever! They should all be executed by lethal injection, just like Saul Gregor was supposed to. Scum! All of them are scum!"

"That's your opinion which you are entitled to." The lawyer answers. "But the district attorney will be receiving my report and so will the head of department into the goings on's here. You have a lot of questions to answer to and will probably face criminal charges."

"No! Just forget all about this and we can come to some sort of arrangement. Saul Gregor can have his position back, just leave all the documents here and I'll destroy them."

"Bribing any investigating official is a serious felony and destroying legal documentation is another." He tells the red faced Warden. "I'm sorry, but I can't allow myself to be corrupted and bribed."

"Mr Connors, you seem like a reasonable man. We can pay you whatever you want to make this problem go away. No one needs to know about this conversation."

"I'm afraid that this problem can't go away and it won't." Connors tells him and pops open his briefcase, revealing a tape recorder. "Our entire conversation is on tape and it will be used against you in court. Your charade here is over."

 

Within a matter of two hours of Derek Connors interviewing the Warden, he was suspended pending the enquiry into his negligence. The news spread like wildfire through the facility, the inmates and staff relieved and elated that something was finally being done. For the time being they would be given a substitute Warden from another facility until it was decided what was going to happen, but no one seemed to care who was in charge of them as long as the original tyrant didn't return. 

*******

The future for Saul is still uncertain despite the enquiry and it's left him in a strange mood. Since going to prison he had grown up in ways he never thought possible, now acting and even speaking differently from the days where he didn't care about anything other than winning money. He isn't sure why, but he hopes that he will get his job back at the facility and the truth is that he misses it and misses helping the kids. He had seen himself in many of the boys and his own mistakes had led him to a very sticky end if it wasn't for Ana, and he believes that they could also be in that position some day. But Ana had helped him rebuild himself to be a better person by burying the past, by accepting it. Saul has never been one for planning ten years down the line, but this time he is. He's planning everything out, where he wants to be in twenty years time and who he wants to spend his life with and that's Ana. As long as he has her, then that's all that matters to him.

 

Exhausted, Ana trudges up the hallway and collapses into the sofa with a deep sigh. She had been rushed off her feet the entire day as she ferried around department officials and then returned to her own duties in between, and now she wishes she had taken the day off. Saul comes downstairs just as she starts to fall asleep.

"Hey, you look really exhausted."

"I am." She answers, yawning. "It's been a long day, way too long. I've never seen so many suits in one place before. We were expecting them, but they wanted to talk to the boys and staff."

"Talk to the boys?"

"They were just checking up on them since they've been taken off lock down and given full privileges again." She tells him. "And they wanted to know exactly what it was like living under the lock down. The boys really stood up for themselves and said that the Warden was the one who decided who got punished and with what. They really gave the officials the full picture of what had been going on, even all those private chats in his office."

"Sounds like there was a lot of things going on that even we didn't know about."

"I don't think we'll ever really know, Saul." She agrees with him with an equally loud sigh. "We've always been about helping the boys and guiding them as best as we can before they're released, but it seems the Warden was using some of them to cause trouble. That's why so many programmes were closed down, because there was bad behaviour."

"That he influenced and created."

"This whole thing stinks and it explains so much, but the full story won't come out for a while." Ana replies and runs her fingers through her messy hair. 

"Go take a bath and I'll order a pizza, unless you want Chinese?"

"I'm not hungry." She tells him. "I've been kind of queasy all day and hardly eaten anything."

"It's maybe something you've ate. It could be that tuna pasta you had yesterday."

"It's a.....different kind of queasy, but I'll live." She says dismissively and tries to get off the subject. "I'm just run down and tired."

"Different, how?"

"I don't know. I'm not making much sense, am I?" She laughs and sees his eyes narrow. "It's nothing to worry about."

"Maybe you should see a doctor then. I can take you to the E.R since the office is closed and...."

"Saul, I don't need to see a doctor and I already know what's wrong with me." She blurts out in frustration. "Just please, let me work this out on my own."

Saul watches as she hauls herself to her feet and goes upstair, hearing the bath run and he takes it as a sign that there couldn't be anything seriously wrong or she would have told him. He puts it down to stress and worry, lack of sleep. She won't tell him what's going on until she is ready, and that could be any time.


	29. More than expected

Ana glides her thumb over the glass of the photograph and chokes with overwhelming emotion. The photograph is of Jesse, one that was taken just weeks before he died and she has kept it beside her bed ever since. She has been so busy lately that she has forgotten to say good morning and good night to the photo, even forgetting to tell the photo how her day has gone and there would be some people who think that Ana should belong in a mental hospital, but it would surprise people how many individuals grieved this way. They knew that their loved ones aren't physically there, but are listening somewhere. Ana holds the picture to her chest as she feels her entire body shake as a torrent of tears dampen her skin. She doesn't know what she is going to do and certainly hasn't worked out how she feels about it, but knows that eventually she will have to make some kind of choice. She kisses Jesse in the photo and holds it closely again, squeezing her eyes closed to stop the tears. She had pushed Saul away and she suddenly feels guilty, but tells herself that she isn't even sure what she wants before she tells him. After a good ten minutes, Ana composes herself enough to tell Saul where she's going and manages to drive there without any distractions and she feels like Gloria was expecting her visit.

Gloria has always believed that a strong cup of tea solves everything or at least helps clear the mind, so Ana isn't too surprised when a large teapot is placed on the table and two larger than normal mugs. Ana sips the hot tea and let's out a breath she had been holding since discovering she is pregnant.

"I'm thinking that you've done a test and got your answer?" Gloria says as she stirs a little lemon into her black tea. 

"Am I that easy to read?"

"No dear, I just know when someone is expecting. Like a glow around you, a change." She answers kindly. "How do you feel about it?"

"I'm not sure. I think it's maybe a good thing, but I don't know if I can go through all of that again. The check ups, the routine scans, the swollen feet and aching back. I'm just not sure."

"I don't think it's the physical effects of the pregnancy that's troubling you, Ana." The older woman announces in a matter of fact tone. "I think you're worried about the past more than anything, and of course what Saul will think."

"You're right and I don't know why I even tried to tell you anything different. I am worried about the past and Saul."

"Why are you so worried about the past?" Gloria asks.

"I don't know how Saul is going to react and I don't know if it's going to make him feel guilty or not. It's his baby and he's going to be protective over it, he's going to feel the same way I did if anyone hurt his baby."

"I think you're right about him going to feel guilty and protective over you and the baby, but that doesn't mean that history is going to repeat itself." She says kindly, patting Ana's hand. "You know what happened for Saul to be at that store and you two have come a long way since. Do you really think Jesse would want you to waste a chance of having another family because of a mistake?"

"I used to tell myself that Jesse wouldn't want me to say or do a lot of things, and I always did the right thing even if I didn't want to. He was such a sweet boy, a handful but he was so kind and caring. No one could ever replace him."

"And no one is asking you to." She agrees. "No one is asking you to do anything you don't want to, but I do believe that Jesse will live on through you by you living. He wouldn't want you to give up or be sad or even ruin a chance to be a mother again."

"You make it sound too simple, Gloria. Thank you. I think I know what I need to do, but doing it is going to be the hardest part. Saul and I, we never discussed having children and after Jesse.....it never crossed my mind."

"I'm a believer that everything happens for a reason, this included." The old woman says. "Go home to Saul and tell him the good news."

"I want to, but I just don't know how he's going to take it. We've never discussed having kids, not even getting married. We're happy with the way things are."

"Ana, you have to understand that things change unexpectedly and sometimes there's nothing you can do to stop it." Gloria says. "It will destroy you if you don't at least tell Saul about the baby, but whether you both decide to keep it is different. You don't have to make this choice on your own."

"Gloria, a big part of me wants this baby but I'm scared that this isn't what he wants and he leaves. I'm scared that he doesn't want it and leaves. I don't think I have it in me to abort this baby."

"Then you two have a lot of talking to do." Gloria leans over and squeezes the younger woman's hand. "I hope everything works out the way you want it to."

"I hope so too and thanks for listening to me, Gloria. You're a real friend and I really don't know what I would do without you."

"You wouldn't be as sane as you are now." She replies and walks Ana to the door. "Everything is going to work out, you'll see."

The journey home had been nerve wracking as she tried to weigh the outcomes of her revelation. Gloria was right, she is more scared of what Saul is going to think than the actual complications of the pregnancy, and not only that but she feels like she would be replacing Jesse. After losing her only son, she made a promise that she would never have any other children and now that promise is broken and she isn't at all sure how it happened since they were so careful. They never actually talked about it, but Ana took the pill religiously and Saul used protection. They were safe, but clearly something had happened along the way and just because they took precautions it didn't mean it was 100% safe. Ana let's herself into the house and sees Saul doing the laundry, pots in the stove already to be turned on and heated up.

"Hi, I didn't know when you would be back so I just took that stew out of the freezer." He says, feeling awkward.

"That's great. Stew sounds great, thank you."

"I'll take this lot upstairs." He says as he lifts the heavy laundry basket and is told to leave it where it is for the time being.

"We need to talk about something important and it can't wait."

"Are you okay?" He asks, clearly worried by her recent behaviour. 

"Right now, I don't know if I'm okay..I had to get out earlier to think about what I was going to do about this....new problem."

"Talk to me, Ana. I might not be able to do anything if you don't want me to, but at least tell me what's going on." He answers.

"I'm pregnant....and I want to keep this baby. I'm sorry if that's not what you want, but it's what I want. I can do this alone if I have to."

She closes her eyes and waits for some sort of explosive reaction, maybe even an angry reaction. She physically stiffens and waits for the blast and peeks out at him, trying to work out why he hadn't started shouting.

"Say something. Anything, please."

"You're pregnant?" He asks and recieves a nod as he grabs her in his arms and presses a firm kiss to her lips and then starts spinning her around. "I can't believe it! This is the best news ever!" 

"Put me down! So, you're okay?"

"Of course I'm okay, Ana." He beams excitedly. "Why wouldn't I be? I'm going to be a dad!"

"We never talked about the future like this and I was worried about how you were going to react to it. Are you really happy with the news?" 

"I'm over the moon,really. We're going to be parents, the best two out there. I'll take you to all this birthing classes and check-ups at the doctors, even take you shopping." His excitement can't be contained and he squeezes her, suddenly realising something. "You thought I would walk out on you because of the baby, didn't you?"

"Yes, but it's not how you think. I was so worried about how....we were both going to take the big lifestyle change."

"And you were thinking about Jesse." He doesn't even need to ask her how she feels about it and he sighs as he squeezes her hand. "How do you really feel about it?" 

"I'm scared that something might happen to the baby. I can't go through losing another child."

"Ana, nothing bad is going to happen." He tells her softly, his voice soothing as the immense feeling of guilt hits him like a brick. "I won't do anything to take another child from you."

"Oh, that's not what I mean, Saul. I know you would never do anything to put the baby or me at risk. I mean that what if something happened to the baby because of my age. I'm not a spring chicken anymore and I couldn't live with myself if I let something bad happen."

"You're still blaming yourself for that night in the store, with Jesse?" He asks and gets a nod from her as he gets up and starts pacing. "You weren't the one to blame there, Ana. I was stupid-"

"And you were scared. I remember how scared you were after the gun went off."

"And I grabbed an innocent kid and used him as a hostage. I never ever meant to hurt anyone, not the clerk or Jesse." He tells her, struggling to keep his emotions together. "I was going to let Jesse out somewhere where he could go to someone.....and it just happened so fast. I tried to get him out of the trunk, but it was stuck. I could hear him crying, calling for you and for someone to help. I couldn't help him. I killed an inoccent little kid. A big part of me still can't work out why you saved me, why you stopped it."

They are both emotional and it never mattered how many times they talked about that night, some of it was still raw and some of it felt like it didn't matter. Ana wipes her eyes and pulls Saul by the hand to sit down, holding onto him whether he likes it or not. She had stopped blaming him for Jesse's death, but he needed to stop blaming himself and the news of her pregnancy had sparked up those emotions for both of them. 

"For a long time I thought that it was the right thing to do, that it would make a difference to how I felt. I realised that.....allowing the execution to go ahead would never bring Jesse back." She explains. "I realised what happened was an accident. I was more clearheaded and I saw how sorry you were. I saw how much you hated yourself because of it and someone who had meant to kill someone, wouldn't feel like that. You seemed to welcome your punishment. It was like you wanted it to happen."

"I had done a terrible thing and was ready to do whatever I could to make things better. I just wanted to make things right, not with God of anyone else, just you."

"And I know now that I made the right choice." She says with a smile. "You made everything right. I want this baby Saul, I just need to know you want it too."

"I want to have this baby with you too. I love you."

"I love you too, Saul." She tells him, grinning like a Cheshire cat. "I can't wait until we become a slightly bigger family."

****

In the few days following the reality of being parents, Ana and Saul decided to spend some time together away from the house. Local reporters had been given a statement from the department and somehow their names were leaked unofficially, and the reporters want their story. Ana and Saul couldn't even go out into the yard or go to the store without someone hassling them and even had to call the police to remove them, but they just kept on coming back. Derek Connors had instructed both of them not to say anything to the press and to try and carry on as normal, but that was easier said than done. They were part of the local news that was growing bigger and bigger thanks to interest from nonlocal media and soon the story of corruption would be national.  
Since returning home, the majority of the reporters had taken the hint and left them alone, but there were still the odd few who hung around in hope of being given a statement or some information. 

Saul clears away the dirty dishes as Ana makes some coffee and grabs the cheesecake from the fridge. They had decided to spend the evening having a romantic dinner and then to snuggle up on the sofa and watch a movie, taking the opportunity to spend some time together in the peace and quiet. They are suddenly curious about who is at the door at this time of night and prepare themselves for another nosey reporter. They go together to answer the door.

"We're not making any comments to the press." Saul says sharply. 

"Mr Gregor, you won't know who I am but I can assure you that I'm not from the media." The man says. "I'm Cliff Rogers, head of the department of corrections."

"Oh, please come in." Ana says, go smacked by his visit and leads the stranger inside. "What can we do for you?"

"First, I'm here to apologise at the mistreatment you've both received and I can promise you this that heads are rolling for their part in it."

"Thank you, but I still don't understand why you're here." Ana tells him.

"I'm here because I have a proposition for you, a big one."

"If you're asking me to call off Derek Connors then you're wrong." She says, her tone even.

"I'm not asking that at all, Ana. I'm asking if you could consider being the new permanent warden at the facility."


	30. Exciting Going's on's

Cliff Rogers had made his reasoning behind the proposal very clear and now it's up to Ana as to whether she accepts it or turns it down. She had never envisioned herself as being a likely candidate for a position higher than her current role, but she can't help but feel good about the feedback she has been given about her work. The department want someone who wants to educate and rehabilitate the kids who is in their care and Ana had proven her dedication time and time again as she helped many of the boys in different ways, and she wasn't afraid to demand things that they could benefit from. But despite all the encouragement and praise, she is still undecided that the role of Warden is the right thing for her and her future. Ana then decides to ask someone who won't sugarcoat the situation, help her weigh up the pros and cons, and then help her make an independent decision. Ana finds Saul in the living room, watching a movie. She is grateful for the space he has given her and she feels guilty, simply because they should be celebrating and not brooding over something that could take weeks and months to set up. She goes and sits beside him and he looks over at her, knowing her all too well.

"Still thinking about what Rogers said?" 

"Am I that obvious?" She asks, nodding and answers him. "Yes, I am thinking about what he said and I'm not sure what to do, even though I should be."

"What do you mean you should be sure?"

"I should turn it down because I'm going to be pregnant and be a mother again." She says logically. "It wouldn't be fair on the baby to pass it off to a babysitter when we're at work."

"Then I'll quit. The boys will understand why, especially now that it's nothing to do with what's already been going on."

"There's no way I can even ask you to do that, Saul. You have every right to work there just as much as I do." She answers quickly, guiltily. "They'll find someone else for the job."

"But they really want you and I know you want to do it too. They need someone who cares and who isn't going to put up with their crap to look after them, and you're it."

"I'm not so confident as you are, but it does sound exciting and a new challenge." Ana says as she becomes distracted and then reverts back to bring sensible. "But I have bigger responsibilities than that and that's what matters, our family."

"Just because you take the job it doesn't mean you don't care about your family."

"It just seems selfish, especially if you were to give up your own job." She sighs. "I don't know what to do for the best anymore."

"Talk to Rogers about how you feel, about the baby and how you feel about me not going back. He might know a way around it."

"You're always know the right things to say." She beams. "But that's a good idea." 

"The sooner you talk to him, the sooner you can really think about what you want to do. But for what it's worth, I think they're doing the right thing by asking you to takeover."

"You would say that." She retorts with a smile. "And I do appreciate it."

"I'm just being honest. If you were to ask the kids who they would want as the new warden, they would vote for you hands down."

"Maybe they would, but I would only be there until I go onto maternity leave and then back after a year." She reminds him. 

"Talk to Rogers about it, Ana. He came all this way to offer you the job and I think he would listen to the reasons why you don't want to take the job." 

"Okay, you've won me over." She laughs softly.

"Great! It took longer than I thought it would."

"To what?" She asks, clearly puzzled.

"To convince you that the job is right for you." 

 

Later that week, Ana went and spoke to Cliff Rogers and explained her reservations about taking the position and he promised that she would need whatever time off she needed, whether it to be hospital appointments or because her baby has had a restless night and she's exhausted, he will support her and that convinced her to take the position of Warden. 

****

EIGHT MONTHS LATER

Seven months pregnant, the new Warden strolls around the facility after having meetings with her staff on how to better the care and rehabilitation the youths in their care are given. It had been a positive response and from the other side of the bars, there hadn't been any fights or major disruptions. There are more classes so the boys can obtain their high school diploma and courses that could help them get a job. Buy they were also given regular courses in every day life skills, like budgeting and how to run a home and manage medical insurance and other necessities of every day living. In the last six months, twelve boys who had been in and out of the facility, had been released and they hadn't returned. Their parole officers all reported that they were all doing exceptionally well and four of them were holding down full time jobs, six of them were furthering their education and the final two were joining the forces. Ana and every other staff member were overjoyed of the news and it proved that changes could be made and different lives could happen after a bad start and it showed everyone that the impossible was possible with the right help. 

Ana is tired and ready to call it a day. She is restless and uncomfortable with her swollen belly and is for a hot bath and a good night's sleep and maybe a neck and shoulder rub from Saul. She laughs as she thinks about him as she pours a cup of coffee, thinking about how excited he's been as her due date draws nearer and nearer. In four days they would be cherishing their newborn baby and she can't help but feel saddened because she had felt it before now. She has moved on considerably, but nothing would ever truly take away the pain she would always feel. Saul comes into the staff room and smiles brightly as soon as he sees Ana, but he can tell that she's brooding about something.

"Hey, you look like you've got something on your mind." 

"Who me?" She asks lightly and starts laughing. "I'm just thinking about all those sleepless nights, dirty diapers and vaccinations. I wish we could skip some of it."

"At least you know how to handle it. You've done it before and did great...."

"Saul, you don't have to stop talking just because there's a reference to Jesse." She tells him, going to him and hugging him tightly. "We promised each other we weren't going to dwell about the past and concentrate on the future, our future as a family."

"I'm sorry, but it's....hard sometimes to just forget."

"No one is asking you or me or anyone else to forget, but remember what that counsellor said?" She asks and goes on to remind him of what they were told. "We're always going to feel guilty and responsible for different things, especially what happened that night. But we owe it to Jesse to be happy and move on, but that doesn't mean we don't care. It just means we have learned to deal with it better. Now, promise me that you won't go all quiet and depressed on me."

"Okay, I promise."

"How are the two new boys doing in the block?" She asks, zapping her coffee in the microwave. "Are they settling in?" 

"Desmond is settling in pretty good, already made a few friends and actually listening to the rest of the group talk about their courses." 

"That's a good start. I think once he's been here a week or so, we should talk to him about visits." She says. "What about Bowen?" 

"That could be a different story. He's had all his privileges removed because of those fights he was trying to make happen. He knows that he's going into segregation if he keeps doing it."

"Good. We need to get through to him or at least try." Ana runs her forehead and squirms as she grows uncomfortable. "Keep working with him and see where it goes. You never know, he could just be acting out for the attention."

"Like we've never heard or seen that before."

"I think it happens in almost every case. Most of them come from troubled backgrounds, whether it's something they've grown up in or been dragged into socially." She agrees. "But I know you'll be able to help him get onto the right track."

"You have way too much confidence in me or are you just trying to be cute?"

"I'm being serious." She says defensively and then starts laughing. "And being cute all at the same time. I'll meet you at the car at five and then I'm going home to take a long hot bath." 

"After the last few months you deserve it and I might join you."

"No way are you going to fit in the tub with me and bubba." Ana laughs heartily. "But you can make me one of those smoothies and then rub my feet when we watch a movie."

"Sounds like a done deal. But try not to stress out too much in that meeting."

"I won't, besides everything is going just the way it always should have been." She says. "I just hope the department see it that way and tell me I'm doing a good job." 

*****

All through the meeting Ana had grown even more uncomfortable as she felt the baby turn and twist. She had been feeling uneasy just before lunch and knew that it was due to her being worried about the meeting with the department, and skipping lunch didn't help in the slightest. She had grown restless and couldn't find a comfortable position to sit or stand in, the members of the department worried that she would collapse, but Ana made it through the entire meeting and she felt like a massive weight had been lifted from her shoulders. The department were happy with the results Ana and her team were making, thrilled that they were finally making a difference and not making the problem worse by exposing the youths to an institution and giving them positive ideas about living a life of crime and Ana kept her promise to Saul by meeting him at the car on time.

 

"You must really have been hungry to eat two plates of spaghetti." Saul says as he gently rubs Ana's upper arm. "Feeling better?"

"The baby is doing aerobics against my bladder, but I don't feel as hungry and thank you, it was lovely."

"You're welcome." He smiles, sighing as he sees the title of the movie on the screen. "Are you serious?" 

"Hey, snow white and the seven dwarves is a classic. All Disney movies are classics and you should learn to appreciate them because our baby is going to grow up watching these movies."

"Oh great." He answers sarcastically, laughing. "Nothing beats scaring little kids more than the Disney baddies."

"Saul, our baby isn't going to be scared of the baddies and our baby is going go love sitting in between us, eating junk and watching the classics. Now be quiet, I want to see this."

He shakes his head, smiling. It isn't as if she hasn't seen the movie before and once snow white and the seven dwarves is done, she puts on beauty and the beast. Saul can't help but see the irony, how their relationship mirrors the storyline and the beginning, middle and end are almost identical, minus the men with pitchforks and talking furniture, but the symbolism is there. They are both ready to call it a night when Saul remembers that he had forgot to put on the washing machine and goes into the kitchen, leaving Ana comfortably on the sofa. She can hear him pottering away and flicks through the news channels, deciding that it's all too depressing to watch and sits up, stretching. 

"Ow!" She says as she rubs her large bump.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, just a strong kick." She replies and soon enough she feels her stomach cramp, realising the second plate of spaghetti really wasn't a good idea. 

"He's going to play soccer when he's older and be a real damn good player."

"It's going to be a she, so don't get your hopes up." She argues back. 

 

Ana rises to her feet and feels a sudden vacuum of pressure happening inside of her, the cramps still happening and thats when she realises that her waters have broken. She tries not to panic, but that's easier said than done. 

"Ana, you okay?" He calls through from the kitchen and then wanders through, severely panicked. "Oh, Jesus. I'll call an ambulance."

"It's not even that bad and I could have contractions for hours before the baby is ready."

"I don't think we should take that chance." He argues and sucks in a deep breath. 

"Saul, calm down or you're going to pass out. I'm fine and the baby is fine. I still need to pack a few things and then we'll go."

"I thought you already packed your hospital bag?" He asks, remembering helping her do it. 

"I unpacked it, repacked it, unpacked it and then repacked it again. I couldn't settle on if I had everything."

"Let go pack it and this time it's being done once and that's it." He says sternly.

"Whatever you say....daddy."

Saul smiles nervously as they pack the baby bag and Ana's hospital bag, managing to put everything in they think they are sure to need and if they've missed something, there's the little store in the foyer of the hospital. Very soon they are on their way and Ana is made comfortable in one of the single rooms in the maternity ward, the nurse and doctor checking on her every half hour. After four hours, she starts to experience much severer contractions and the midwife is happy with the progress and can't resist laughing at how the father to be is so jumpy and nervous.


	31. Meeting Baby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the second last chapter, so I hope you all enjoy.

Ana is uncomfortable and sweating profusely as the contractions grow in intensity. The midwife is exceptionally pleased that the time between each contraction is lessening, especially since the last four hours of contractions had promised a quick delivery. Ana had laughed when the midwife and her assistant, Christine and Tammy called her baby stubborn and sent Saul to the staff room to have a sandwich and a coffee. Before Ana knows it, Saul is at her side again and holding her hand. 

"How you feeling?" 

"Not too bad, but the worst is yet to come." She answers as she sips the plastic cup of chilled water. 

"But it's all going to be worth it, Ana. You're doing great." 

"You should go home and get some rest." She tells him. "I could be in labour for hours or even days. There's no point in two of us being exhausted."

"I'm staying with you and that's final. I'm with you every step of the way. Just try and relax, get some rest."

"Thank you." She leans over and kisses him. "You'll be the first to know when something happens."

"Good, cause I can't wait." 

"Neither can I, Saul." She beams. "You're going to be an amazing dad."

 

The expectant mother had managed to close her eyes and fall in and out of sleep. Saul on the other hand panicked every time one of the midwives or staff checked on Ana. Naturally he's nervous about being a father for the first time and doesn't know what to expect when the final stages of labour start happening. He had read books, read papers online and none of them had prepared him for the waiting and worrying. Christine, the midwife comes in and checks on the dilation process and checks Ana's blood pressure and pulse.

"Why didn't you press the buzzer for one of us?" The midwife asks, deciding to explain for Saul. "You're almost fully dilated and the contractions are getting closer together."

"I didn't want to cause a fuss." Ana replies, breathlessly.

"Okay, tell me on a scale of zero to ten how intense they are." Christine says. 

"Niinnne." The mother to be grinds out through gritted teeth. "Nearly ten."

"Remember your breathing, Ana. You're doing just great." She says and calls on her colleagues.

Saul is right there where he should be, holding Ana's hand and telling her that everything's going to be fine. He dabs her forehead with a cold compress and holds her hand, urging her on. It doesn't take long for the contractions to hit their peak and the midwifes instruct Ana to push on those contractions. 

"You're doing great, baby." He tells Ana, gripping her hand. "Keep breathing, just take it easy. You're doing great."

Through words of reassurances and gentle promoting, she groans and squeezes his hand tightly. She had forgotten how painful childbirth was, but definitely didn't believe it was that painful that she screamed the entire hospital down. With a midwife and her assistant between her knees, Ana pushes harder on each contraction and continues like that for fifteen minutes.

"So...so tired." She whispers to Saul. 

"You're doing amazing, Ana. You're almost there and then this is all going to be worth it." 

"All the pain....all the heartache.....it's all worth it." The words spill out through breathless grunts. "Aargh!" 

"The head is crowning." Christine announces. "One more big push Ana, then you can rest. One more push and it's over."

Ana gives an enormous push, moaning loudly which is quickly smothered by the sound of a baby crying. She collapses back, breathless and sweaty as she clutches the front of Saul's T-shirt. He moves her hair our of her face and repeatedly kisses her head. 

"You did it. You really did it." He beams with excitement. "That's our baby! And you did great, really great. I can't believe it."

"You better believe it daddy." Ana tells him, grinning. "We're finally parents."

"Congratulations." Christine says as she hands them their baby. "You have a healthy little girl. I can give you a few minutes and then we need to do a few standard tests and get her all cleaned up and warm."

Together, they hold their daughter against Ana's chest and nothing compares to what they are feeling. They are proud and knocked over mentally and physically with unconditional love already, savouring the first few precious moments. Ana kisses her daughter's head and Saul rests his hand over her, holding her gently against momma's chest. 

"She's so gorgeous, Ana. She's so damn beautiful." He says happily and presses a kiss to both their heads. "We're so lucky to have such a beautiful baby."

"You won't be saying that forever, especially those four am feeds. But she is our little princess."

"Those early wake up calls are going to be a piece of cake, aren't they?" He asks his daughter, who makes a squirmy noise in reply. "What are we going to name her?"

"I'm not sure. I like the name Elise or Rebecca. What do you think?"

"Both names are perfect." Saul answers and turns concerned when the nurses take their baby away from them.

"It's okay. We've got all the time in the world, a few minutes won't hurt."

 

The newborn is taken away, checked over and cleaned up. Ana goes through the final stages of delivery, cleaned up and made comfortable with Saul at her side. Mother, father and baby are taken to the aftercare wards in maternity so they can all rest after the exhausting experience of becoming parents and gush over their new addition to the family. 

"She's so perfect and beautiful." The proud father beams as he holds his daughter for the first time. "How are you feeling?" 

"Much better than I did in the delivery suite, but seeing you two together is all worth it."

"You did amazing, Ana. You really were amazing in there. I felt like a sap for complaining when you squeezed my hand." He says teasingly.

"I just thought I would share the physical side and make it a real experience."

"Oh oh, looks like I'm going to have two women to pick on me now." he directs the statement to the baby and smiles. "Do you remember what names we talked about?"

"Just wait until she's demanding bed time stories and horse back rides on you. Hmm, now that I see her I don't like any of those names."

"Me neither, but we have to agree on a name." He replies. "How about.....Lucy?"

"My ex-sister in law is called Lucy and I still hate the woman. How about Rachael?"

"Too common." He answers and then suggests. "Olivia?"

"No way! There is no way we're going to encourage other kids to pick on her because of her name."

"Isabella? Chloe? Imogen? Sarah?" He suggests. 

"No, no, no and no."

"At least we agree on those four." Saul laughs and hands her over to Ana as she starts to fuss. 

The baby is hungry and Ana has already argued with some of the midwifery staff that she is not breastfeeding. They had been trying to cajole her for weeks and still Ana hadn't budged. Christine appears after a few minutes of the buzzer going, leaves and returns with a warmed bottle of baby formula. She too had agreed that not all mothers felt they could breastfeed and it didn't make them a bad mother for using formula milk. Saul watches in awe as the baby guzzles down the warmed milk.

"Sophie." Ana says suddenly. "I like the name Sophie."

"She looks like a Sophie. What do you say, huh?"

The parents giggle lightly as the feeding baby girl makes a noise, a squeak they take for reassurence that they've picked the right name for her. Once she is fed, Saul is shown by Christine how to burp Sophie comfortably and then how to change a diaper, all the rest would come later. Ana cradles her baby in her arms and tears of joy slide down her cheeks. 

"Hey, what's the matter?" 

"I'm sorry." She says, clearly emotional. "This is such a special day and I don't want it to end." 

"I know, but we're going to have the rest of our lives to have special days. The rest of our lives."

"Saul, I always knew I could count on you to be there for me through thick and thin." She cries. "I'm the luckiest woman on earth and I love you."

"I love you too, Ana and I love you too, Sophie. I promise I won't let anything happen to either of you, ever."


	32. Bliss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final and last chapter of Ana and Saul's journey. 
> 
> Please leave feedback.

Saul Gregor had stared death in the face and had been saved by an angel. He was given a second chance at life and vowed to do everything in his power to stay on the right track, for him and his family. Fatherhood scared him every day because it was all too new and foreign, but Ana remained patient and understanding, even though their daughter had other ideas. Anyone who saw the couple or who knew their story would whisper to their friends or anyone who would listen, but Ana and Saul were solely focused on their daughter and keeping their family together. The couple were however faced with what they would do about their jobs because it didn't feel right to get a baby sitter, so an arrangement was made that Saul would work for a few hours every day for four days and Ana would return on a full time basis. Some would say it was selfish, but while Saul worked, Gloria took great pride in looking after the baby until he was done. Their arrangement benefited everyone and little Sophie didn't miss out on anything. Everything was perfect, simply perfect and everyone was healthy and happy.There would always be new challenges to face and fears to conquer, like Sophie walking and talking for the first time, then there would be when Sophie grew independent and didn't want mom or dad to hold her hand anymore. The rest of their lives would be filled with those moments, heartwarming and unforgettable memories that they would forever cherish, just like the moment she was born.


End file.
